How can I convince my mom (92) that her disabled daughter (57) can no longer be her caregiver?
My mother has owned and lived in her home for 70 years. My father died at a young age, leaving her with four young children. She worked hard to raise us and maintain the home. My youngest sister, (57yr), was born with an intellectual disability. She functions at a high level, worked 25 years, drives, but, has never lived outside the family home. Three years ago, my mother was hospitalized with a septic infection that left her severely deconditioned. After 8 mos of rehab, she was able to return home with CNA's 6hrs a day for personal care, light housekeeping, and meal prep. My sister is the care giver the rest of the day. This worked well for a while. However, my mother has many health issues, CHD, severe arthritis, macular degeneration. My sister is morbidly obese, arthritic, diabetic, and has an undiagnosed digestive problem. My mother has been unable to stand alone, consequently she needs help during the night to use a commode. So, my sister will sometimes be called every two hours during the night! The situation has them both stressed and depressed. However, my mother cannot see that my sister needs help as much as she does! Currently, my mother is in rehab again, after a gall bladder attack left her dehydrated and deconditioned. The facility she is in is the same as before, she knows and likes the people there. However, all she wants is to go back home. My sister wants to move to an assisted living facility herself. However, my mother told her that if she moved, and my mother had to stay at the nursing home she would die! I have been supportive of the community waiver, (I am POA), but, at this point, I truly feel that the situation is untenable. I don't know how to get my mother to see this, or, at least see the terrible position she has forced my poor sister into! Any insights/ or suggestions?
I am so grateful for this sight!
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However, at this age, it can be difficult to ask her to move to a nursing home.
A possible solution can be to arrange a 24 hour nurse for your mother at home. Once your mother is at ease with the nurse, you can ask your sister to move to an assisted living facility.
Then I said to her "Mom we're going to visit nursing homes today (3). I want you to pick out the one you like the best and think you will be happiest there." We did, she did and the rest is history.
Sounds like Mom is guilting your disabled Sis into thinking preventing Mom coming home becomes Sis's fault if Mom dies--which will happen one day, ANYway.
That's pretty sadly inappropriate of her to do, but kinda goes with the territory of an elder losing control of their abilities/freedoms, lashing and conniving at whoever they can, to get some sense of control back in their lives.
It sounds like your disabled Sis might be subject to more abusive verbals from Mom, if she stays too nearby.
Love that house burning down analogy!
But lets say, MAYBE with enough in-home care [24/7 !!!]
both of them could stay home.
It might not be the right thing; it might not work for them.
But let's pretend they are OK living under the same roof, --IF-- there were enough decent in-home care....
There might be a sizable amount of equity for it in the property, depending on location and condition of property.
What if...
the home were put into Reverse Mortgage, in BOTH their names.
...that means, both can use the equity to pay for expenses of 24/7 in-home care, instead of both of them going to facilities right away.
BOTH of them being on the Reverse Mortgage, means even when one dies, the one remaining still gets to stay there until they die.
[[or until both of them MUST go to a facility]]
THEN the property is either paid off by remaining heirs, or sold to satisfy the Reverse Mortgage.
At this time, I THINK that can be done with a Reverse Mortgage--I THINK it does not have to be only spouses that can do this--but you can sure check this with Legal consult at your local Area Agency on Aging.
OTH, if them being under same roof is a bad idea, even with 24/7 care there, get Sis moved out fast, to that facility that can care for her.
That just makes it impossible for Mom to move home alone [though she might try to convince everyone she can, or threaten to get herself out of where she is and get herself back into her house somehow].
Be sure to reassure Sis that Mom's health and eventual death are NOT her fault!
That's just Mom trying to get some sense of control back into her life, and speaks of her own fears.
Mom probably most desperately wants to keep at least some of her family together, in her familiar home of so many decades.
Letting go of that, means death is indeed, closer and more lonely for her in a facility, not how she pictured it.
Mom is afraid; that needs soothed, too.
It's OK for you to just firmly, calmly tell Mom, "you can't come home anymore; there's no one there to take care of you or help you", and, "it's illegal for you to be allowed to go home unassisted, and no one's there to take care of you anymore"--stuff like that.
She won't like it at all, but it looks like a fact-of-life.
Keep reassuring her she will have visitors, she is loved, and the care she is getting where she is, is the best thing for her--and your Sis.
Reassure her that Sis is getting better care she so badly needs, where she is.
This is one of the tough ones to handle. This generation is so stuck on being in their home. It's like the house owns them not the other way around. My mom called this morning crying and begging for me to come and get her and take her home. I just can't. Fortunately, the help at the home where I took her seems to be handling her very well since this is the first time she has called since being placed there. That makes me happy, but listening to the pleading and begging and tears makes me quite unhappy. But, it's part of what we have to do. Explaining to her that I can't take care of her any more is just leading up to that day when I'll have to tell her that she won't be coming back to her home at all. None of this is easy. It's nice to try to "convince", but sooner or later we all have to stop trying to convince and just lay it out like it is. You won't be coming back home. Hopefully, my mom, being a stoic, will finally accept things as they are and just enjoy the times we will have together when I visit and take her places for the day. I hope......
Right now she's also sick with a bad cough. She has COPD with chronic bronchitis and my daughter is also at home from school because she's sick. I'm taking my daughter to the doctor and have called MIL's doctor to have something called in for her. I wonder what would be the best approach to my MIL. She's one of the most stubborn people I've ever met. I love the woman dearly but she is extremely stubborn.
When the situation is serious and it is what it is, agreement is largely besides the point. If there's a painful reality I don't want to deal with, and you try to convince me about it, you actually undercut your own progress, in two ways.
One, you demonstrate by your attempt to convince me, that there's something to discuss about this reality, it's actually arguable, up for grabs. So I get to think maybe it's not that cut-and-dried after all, and maybe I can actually win this argument.
Two, you offer me a great way to NOT deal with the situation, NOT go in the direction that's needed. Instead of you just getting on with it and doing what needs to be done, there you are hung up on getting me to agree. And I can just keep not agreeing.
Here's a silly analogy: Suppose the house is on fire. You know it, but I don't know it or maybe I just can't deal with the idea. Please don't stand there and list all the reasons you think the house is on fire! Grab my arm and get me the heck out of there. I may or may not ever "get it" or thank you, but at least we'll both still be alive.
Somebody should be helping your sister get situated in a suitable facility.
Responsible parents of disabled children try to set them up for independent living, a group home, or make some other arrangement for them long before their own death. Whether your mother failed to do this out of denial, fear, selfishness, or ignorance is interesting to speculate about, but it doesn't change the fact that it is no longer appropriate (if it ever was) to expect Sister's role to be that of caregiver. Sister needs someone to assist her into a suitable living arrangement. If that can be you, awesome! If you or another family member can't/won't do it, please turn it over to professionals.
Mother needs more care than a 6-hour CNA. Can she afford to pay for more care in her home? Most of us would like to remain in our homes until we die. Sometimes that is not possible/practical. Your mother is right that she will die if she goes to a nursing home. But the fact is, she will die when the time comes no matter where she is. If the care Mom needs can be arranged for at home, great. If not other arrangements need to be made, whether Mom can be brought to understand the limits, needs, and rights of her youngest daughter or not.
It is grossly unfair of your mother to put the burden of guilt on any of you. Her deteriorating health and increasing needs is not the fault of any of you. Again, this is true no matter what is motivating Mother.
Whether Mother can be helped to accept the truth or not, her family needs to rally around to ensure that her needs are met and that her disabled daughter's needs are met.
I would call for professional help asap.....There is an "adult protective services" organization of some kind in your community . Also independent "elder care advisors" are available too.....Any nursing home office can direct you to this kind of help....If you call in professional help to remedy this situation, potentially you will not end up being the "bad guy"... Don't let your mother put your sister and herself in a dangerous situation for both of them.
Is your sister waiting for her mother's permission to take care of her own pressing need to move to assisted living? Will hell freeze over first? Can't you see that your mother has basically enslaved your sister, exploiting her disabilities? At the risk of sounding harsh, how can you be a party to this abuse?
The answer to why this situation exists may be that your mother -- as is typical of abusers -- has conditioned all of you over many years to bow to her demands. You also are her victim and perhaps are so used to it that you can't see clearly. Maybe you could benefit from counseling to help break this cycle.
Blessings to all of you for a rational resolution to this situation, whether your mother likes it or not.
That 'if I have to stay at the nursing home I'll die' comment is very common, especially for someone of that generation. Many nursing homes used to be very horrible places and were only a place that the forgotten and unloved went. That's another fear your mom may have.
It's possible that if you will discuss the change in living arrangements with her, let it 'sit' in her head for a while, then discuss it again, she might be more accepting. That had helped my mom several times with changes she didn't want to make but could slowly accept.
Good luck.
Now, my mom was not an only child and her 100% perfectly healthy brother lived 1 mile away for a majority of the time the situation went on. My dad worked 3rd shift and because my mom did not drive, dad would come in from a night of maual labor, clean up and sit for sometimes hours in a doctors office with my grandmother and mom. My uncle worked first shift but his wife was a stay at home mom with very little responsibilities and she drove.
When my mom went into severe renal faillure, my grandfather (who chose to be hold and disabled to escape responsibility but wasn't to old to walk to town everyday to shoot the bull with his buddies) told me it was now my responsibility at age 14 to take over.
This is not love. This is not love. This is not love. This is abuse. Everyone feels sorry for the elderly, feels sorry for children but rarely is a thought given to the caregiver who is disabled themselves. I honestly wish there was a law where doctors reported this kind of abuse on adult children in the role of caregiver.
Have your mom grow up before she dies. Give your blessed sister some happiness. Set her free.