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My 93 year old father-in-law (FIL) lives with us, as he fell on Christmas Eve and my husband had to leave the family on Christmas Day, 7 months ago now, to get him from the hospital. My FIL does not remember the fall and subsequent hospitalization and time in AL respite care while he recovered. No other family members will help. I cared for my MIL 2 years ago for several months before she passed away because my BIL and his wife would do nothing to help her, though they were freeloading in my in-law's house.

My problem now is that I need to have surgery on my foot and will be laid up for at least a month and my FIL is becoming more of a problem. He will not change his Depends more than once a day and yesterday there was a horrendous mess and stench in the guest room where he is staying because of a bad leakage. I spent a lot of time cleaning it up. He also does things like going through my kitchen drawers to find something to use as a tool, though I have asked him not to do this. I cannot get my husband to understand that I cannot care for his father, feel like my life now revolves around my FIL as I have to watch him and care for him while my husband is at work. I role my husband that there is no way I can care for my FIL while recovering from surgery. I'm not sure I can take care of myself even, as my doctor has said I will be in a cast and in a lot of pain. My daughter is getting married in a few months and I am helping to plan the wedding as well.

When my FIL was in AL he would not cooperate with the staff, refused to bathe for weeks, complained constantly and kept asking to get out of there. I feel burned out and depressed. My husband wants my FIL to continue living with us and I want him to go to AL. My husband will not force My FIL, though he definitely has cognitive decline and memory loss. I am feeling desperate. How do I convince my husband that I really need to have someone else care for my FIL so I can have my life back and recover form surgery? I get angry at him because he doesn't seem to care what it does to me. He only seem to care about his father, though I wind up doing most of the work. Please help.

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Your husband is letting you down. Period. If two people disagree about caring for a loved one in their home, the "no" is louder than the "yes"...most ESPECIALLY when the "no" is from the person doing most all the work.

Ask yourself: "Why am I cleaning up the stench and mess in the guest room? Why isn't his son doing that??" Let it stink. Let the stench fill the whole house. Stop enabling your father-in-law and stop enabling your son. Until you are willing to do that, you're stuck.

Tell your husband, "I'm done." But you'd better mean it. If you fold, you've lost.

This is not your problem. This is your HUSBAND'S problem.

PS -- If you have children, arrange to recuperate at their home. Your husband is being a jerk.
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There was a post awhile ago by someone in a situation very similar to yours. In her case she ended up deciding to take a vacation to get away and heal herself. She wasn't getting support and was at a critical burn-out point.

I think that given your husband's lack of support, you may have to tell him that you ARE NOT going to any more and WILL NOT take care of FIL after you have surgery, and that in fact you'll be needing help yourself. Perhaps your husband can take time off work to take care of FIL.

Ask your physician if it's possible to script for in-home nursing care and PT for yourself.

FIL's attitude is going to wear you down physically and mentally, and your husband's lack of support isn't helping any. You DO have the right to demand respect in your own house.

One way to force the issue is to start interviewing for in-home caregivers for FIL. There's no reason why you should continue doing what you've been doing, without respect and appreciation, especially when you're recovering from surgery.

It sounds as if the men in this family expect the women to be the clean-up and maintenance crew. Time to put a stop to that.

Tell your husband everything you do will have to be done by him or paid for by FIL with professional care. And don't back down or you'll find yourself with a foot that isn't healing properly as well as major level stress. You could add that it's about time his family stepped up to the plate and that he should discuss with them arrangements for taking FIL, at least while you're recovering from surgery. During that time they can evaluate putting him back in a facility.

Good luck, and remember to stand your ground and don't give in.
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I agree that your husband needs a reality check. Take your daughter and spend a few days in a nice motel after your surgery. You need the quiet to recuperate from the surgery and you won't be tempted to get up and move around too soon and jeopardize your recovery. I think that you are the type that can't stand to leave things "undone" and if there is cleaning to be done, you do it. Leaving your husband in charge of his father for a few days may be enough to cause him to re-think his position on an AL placement.
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BES997, no wonder your husband won't put his Dad into an assistant living facility, YOU ARE DOING ALL THE WORK !! My gosh, I got exhausted just reading about all the things you do for your father-in-law. You got to slow down, I know that's not easy, but if the laundry doesn't get done, so be it. If father-in-law wants to go somewhere, don't drive him unless it is an urgent matter, such as a doctor's appointment, let him take the senior bus. Serve a frozen pizza for dinner because you were too busy minding after FIL.

Here's an idea, after you get home from surgery go on strike.... no really.... stay in bed with your foot prop up on the pillow and do not move except for going into the bathroom. Your husband has no idea what it is like being home alone with his father and it's about time he learns. You got to stop spoiling them. Let hubby do all the laundry and the grocery shopping, and cooking.... have hubby clean up his Dad after the Depends fails [that alone will be a major wake up call for your husband], etc.

And whatever you do, while you are recouping from surgery, do NOT have your daughter take your place. Don't be surprised if hubby calls on her to help.
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It's your life. If you want to go back to work, do so.

You're in a situation now where you feel trapped, but this is NOT your responsibility. Your husband and family are the responsible ones. And they're not stepping up to their responsibilities.

You DON'T have to transport him. Tell him you have other commitments. There's no reason why he needs a chauffeur when he can ride small bus. (I know, I have this same issue and it isn't an easy one to battle.)

But this man is manipulating you and getting away with it. I don't fault you; I know how easy it is to be sucked into the caregiving trap - been there, done that.

Honestly, if your husband gets angry because you take FIL to a neurologist, let him get angry. He's just as much an obstacle as your FIL is.

You're going to have to make some tough decisions, and put your foot down on all of this manipulation and treating you like an indentured servant. You're the only one who can do it. Is this the way you want to live until FIL dies? Is this what you expected of marriage? To be a servant to a stubborn old man and his son who doesn't treat you with respect, but more like a hired hand?

If you query whether you should just take FIL to a neurologist and deal with it later, it tells me that you have some fear or anxiety about dealing with your husband. If it's always been that way in your marriage, then there are some more serious issues here. If it's been since FIL moved in, think about what he's doing to your marriage.
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You might even ask your doctor if he recommends rehab for a week or so. It would be worth it to be completely out of the house. I am just setting here thinking....surely your husband is not expecting your daughter to take care of Grandpa!!!

I completely agree about getting a nice hotel with room service and enjoying the time with your daughter before she goes off to college. If you have friends out of town or in town, you might stretch that time after surgery for 2-3 weeks.

BES997 I don't like to sound harsh but your husband is treating you like a slave, not a wife to be cherished, and it is time to stand up like the partner you are suppose to be and say enough is enough! Hubby dearest either hire someone 24/7 to take care of Grandpa or find other living arrangements immediately. This is so wrong!

I also suggest you have hubby read these responses!
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Thank you all for the responses. You have given me some courage to stand up for myself and do what I need to do to keep from going insane or collapsing from exhaustion. I thought that maybe I was in the wrong, and should just buck up. I was really concerned that, as my FIL god downhill, I was going to go under. I know that I still have to take care of my own mother one of these days, as she is 81 and a heavy smoker. My brothers and sister have already told me that I am going to have to take dare of her and I was worried that I might not have anything left for her. Thank you for all the support. I really needed it.
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You are not going to be able and should not even be asked to try to recover from surgery and take care of FIL at the same time. He sounds like he is total care - probably at a skilled nursing rather than assisted living level. One person really can't do that 24-7 even in the best of health. Hubby's denial, which is facilitated by having someone else do all or nearly all the work, needs to come to a screeching halt. He gets home came arranged or you lack your things and kiss him goodbye until the necessary change is made. Consider a marriage counseling session or two; possibly a third party could give it your husband straight and then help him with his grief and distress.
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I think that freqflyer is right about your mom and her smoking. Smokers often don't follow the house rules. We invited my MIL to visit for a few days when our first child (her first grandchild) was born under the stipulation that she only smoke outside, not in the house with the newborn baby. This was in July so weather was not a factor. The first morning she got up and went into the bathroom. Moments later I could smell the smoke and see it curling under the door. It was the last time we invited her for an overnight stay. I feel that she chose cigarettes over the health of her grandchild. Secondhand smoke is bad for everyone and especially bad for your daughters with asthma. Why would you jeopardize the health of your daughters in favor of your mother's choices? Start looking for some kind of subsidized senior housing for your mother.
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You are all right. I need to stand up for myself a bit better. I had not considered that she might sneak in smoking despite the rules. And thank you Freqflyer, I had not considered Medicaid either. Maybe I can find my mother a place in Texas to live with the help of Medicaid. That might also help keep from bankrupting us so we can retire someday as well. I will start looking into AL places for my FIL and talk to my husband about moving him there. Thank you all so much for your support.
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