My father put his art ahead of his family. He neglected us, and eventually my mother divorced him. When I was a teen, he molested me. Now, I'm the only child who is willing to care for him, but I am sick of his insults and his lies. He has convinced all his friends that everything that led up to their divorce was all my mother's fault (in fact, he even lies and says that HE divorced HER), and holds me up to ridicule in front of them. He refused to help me in college (I always thought it was because I refused his advances), yet gives the impression to everyone that I was really bad, even though I worked my way through, had a family, and my husband and I deserve respect for raising raising good kids. I feel his behavior is NOT attributable to old age, but to his lifelong contempt of my mother and her children. I am getting so I don't want to have anything to do with him! He refuses to take a bath, and cleaning up the toilets after his incontinence is getting to me. He refuses to do anything to make my stay with him comfortable, yet he wants me to come back. (He lives all the way across the country, and when I go to see him, I'm far away from family and friends. Yet, he refuses to let me use the internet, even when I say I will pay, and I have to go outside to use my cell phone because he refuses to let me use the phone.) I can't tell my husband how abusive he was, and so my husband counsels me to go and take care of my father and not "abandon him," and that someday I will look back and think about how I treated my father at the end of his life. But, I'm getting so I don't want to go. Right now, my father is still mobile at home and even drives, but he is slowing down. He's in his late nineties and the day is coming when he will have to do something he never planned for, and that is to depend on his kids. None of us feel he cared about us when we were growing up--he certainly never made any sacrifices to feed his family-- and now we are going to have to put HIM first? He has no shame and has no clue about how he has treated us.
This quote is from therapist Pauline Boss, in her book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia." It applies, of course, to caregiving of any sort, whether it involves dementia or not.
And this is from Jeanne Gibbs: "How do I cope with caring for a parent who was abusive to the family when we were growing up?" From a very safe distance, and through professionals.
Also, it pains me that you feel you have to keep such significant secrets from your husband. Why do you suppose you need to do that?
You've never told your husband about your childhood? Or does he know and still thinks that you should forgive and move on?
It sounds to me as though your father is (and always has been) mentally ill. This is a case for professionals. Stay far away. Send a card at Christmas.
I would never care for a parent that had been abusive to me as your father was to you. Find geriatric care manager to keep track of dad. Do not ask for frequent updates as it sounds you do not have the strength to establish boundaries right now. Find a therapist, there are some that specialize in caregiver issues. I had one that was absolutely wonderful, don't know what I would have done without her. Find caregiver support groups near YOUR home.
STOP those frequent trips to help Dad, there are others that have specialized training in dealing with elderly.
Marriages are built upon trust and you do not trust your husband enough to tell him your secret. You cannot blame your husband for your choices when you have misled him about your father. Your husband's opinions about your duty to your father are misinformed. And how could they not be when you are lying by omission?
All that said, you owe your father nothing. You owe your father neither caregiving nor forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. The healthiest thing you can do right now is to confide in your husband the horrible truths about your father and work on your marriage. Let your father find his own way. Predators usually do.
So sorry this happened to you. I wish you wisdom and peace as you heal yourself and your marriage from the damage keeping this secret has done.
Why would you marry a man who will never understand that your father molested you?
Whether you answer my questions or not, you clearly need professional psychological help and marriage counseling. And this forum is no substitute for mental health counseling. Good luck, Blue.
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