Not only is he almost COMPLETELY clueless and disengaged from her dementia needs and care (blasts the TV in front of her, has almost no patience or care when she is trying to say something), but he speaks with her so unkindly, makes comments (half-joking, not funny) about her looks and snaps at her when she can’t understand something or express something. The other day she tried to tell him about some birds outside in the yard, to reach out to him to share the enjoyment she was getting in observing them, and he yelled “Can’t you see I’m f***ing watching this program?!!!”
Its very disturbing to our caregiver when she witnesses it and I can’t describe the pain as their child/her daughter that it causes me.
Confronting him: You don’t. He lashes out. Typical bully. He is paying for all of her care...and she has wonderful
caregivers now. That’s my only splice that there is someone there worh her at all times now. If after all these decades (he’s a strong 91-year-old!) I told him to go take a hike I fear he would cut her off.
WHAT CAN I DO? It’s breaking my heart. It’s cruel and not fair. I have asks social workers and doctors and they all say the only real options I have are extreme- to remove her- but that would be upsetting to her and as I said possibly cut her off financially which would hurt her care.
His wife died of cancer in her early 50's. Their kids blamed dad for it, believing that living with his chronic toxicity caused it--perhaps there is something to that.
His kids distanced from him completely. At his funeral, I don't think there were 20 people there, including his kids. His grandkids were not present and I only went because mother was so curious about what people would say about him. Not much, because he was absolutely awful.
My aunt had opportunities to leave him and a supportive mom and dad for many years who kept quiet but let her know she could be safe with them. She chose to stay with this man.
The devil she knew, I guess.
I think she was totally brainwashed by this jerk. Sounds too much like your mom. And yes, their kids grew up and chewed their dad out many times--it changed nothing except to upset their angel mom. I truly don't know what to tell you--how to help someone who isn't maybe even aware there is a better life away from a toxic individual.
If Mum wants to stay with him, it is likely because he has convinced her that she has no value.
I'm not you, but here's what I would do.
When I went over there, I'd gray-rock/ignore Dad. He can watch his program while you're out talking to mom about birds or memories or whatever.
Part of the aide's job is to make sure the elder isn't being abused, and that includes verbally. Dad's the one without dementia, right? He'd have to know how hard it would be to replace the aide if all she said was "Hey, I think we need a break." Let alone how mad the kids would get.
I suppose that she has always feared his intimidation and felt hopeless.
I am so very sorry that your mother has endured this pain and humiliation.
I am also deeply sorry that you have witnessed this abuse, along with her caregivers seeing this unpleasant situation. I am sure it is almost unbearable to view at times.
You are a caring and supportive daughter to care so deeply for your mother. She is blessed to have you by her side.
Continue to be your mom’s advocate. Have you spoken to a social worker for feedback?
I am grateful that your mom is receiving care from compassionate caregivers.
I wish that your father had enough respect for your mom, others and himself to stop this unacceptable behavior.
Was your dad abused himself? I am not defending his behavior.
I suppose that I am seeking an explanation for it.
Very often. hurting people hurt others. They do not know how to or do not wish to break the cycle of abuse.
Their only frame of reference is abuse.
Love and compassion is foreign to them. So they can’t give what they have never known themselves.
Has anyone ever confronted him during his lifetime?
Obviously, he feels as though he holds all of the cards and financially he does, which is truly sad.
I empathize with you as far as feeling as though your hands are tied. It’s a catch 22 deal.
The entire situation is so unfortunate and uncomfortable for all of you, especially your mother.
I wish that I had a resolution for you. All I can do is offer comfort and say that I am so sorry. I know that isn’t enough or any help to you.
Others will contribute and will be able to shed more light on situations as painful and complicated as yours.
Wishing you all the best in resolving this matter.
Take care.
Has your mother expressed a wish to leave? If she does, you can invite in APS and open a case with a lawyer to and seek guardianship and placement.
Doesn't mean, if the husband is there, that you will WIN guardianship, but if APS visits and interviews Mom alone, she is free to tell them her wishes in this matter.
I am afraid that is the extent of your ability to intervene here while your father is well enough mentally and physically to care for your Mom.