I have been picking up my dad for Sunday dinner for two years now. Last week was a nightmare. It is so hard to get him into the apartment in that wheelchair. (over the threshold). He is about 200 lbs. I have to pick up the front and my sister pushes from the back just to get him in the apartment. He has Parkinsons so his breathing is very labored. Especially when eating. His nose runs profusely, and he spills a lot. I know he can't help it but his eating habits make us nauseous we can't eat when he is eating. Then he sleeps the for a couple of hours afterwards. He wakes up confused. Mistakes his wheelchair for a walker and tries to walk to the bathroom. I have to reason with him to sit down in the wheelchair. Our bathroom only fits in the bathroom straight in and back straight out. He tries to turn the wheelchair around in the bathroom! Then he can't stand by himself so I have to stand behind him. He leans back really really hard. I prop my feet against the wall to hold all his weight (and him pushing backwards) to make sure he doesn't fall back. Then he forgets where he is and keeps asking where we are going.
Really long story... I don't want to pick him up anymore. It's just too hard. We told him and he had a meltdown, demanding that we take him to our apartment or out to a restaurant. I want to just visit and not take him anywhere. How do I handle this?
Just keep saying no. No dad we are not able to take you out to dinner or to our apartment anymore, but we would love to have dinner with you at your facility.
He will throw a temper tantrum but just like a child you will have to stand your ground and not do it anymore. You and your sister could really injure yourselves trying to bring his wheel chair up the stairs, not to mention the bathroom incident your described with holding his weight like that.
Back injuries are nothing to sneeze at and could debilitate you for life from just one injury.
Your going to have to say No , that's really all there is to it. There is nothing more you can do. I know it's hard, and it's hard for you to. Hard to not have your dad be able to come to your home, and hard to watch him eat.
I get it, every thing is starting to feel like , the last, and you don't want it to be and neither does dad. Your morning those last , and it feels a little like guilt.
Tell him, it's just not safe, your sorry he is aging , and aging just really bites!
Best of luck
You are the person making decisions for dad now. You'll be happy to bring him some homemade food on Sunday at his place, or dine with him in the dining room. But you'll no longer be picking him up to take him to your apartment or to restaurants. It's too hard on your back and you can't handle it anymore, period. If he has meltdowns, he'll live thru them. Trust me on that.
We cannot always accommodate our parents every wish when they're old and infirm, nor should we try to. And please leave guilt out of this. You've done it for 2 years and that's plenty. I had to stop picking my mother up and taking her to my house or to restaurants when she became wheelchair bound with dementia too. It was just too much.
Best of luck to you.
That being said, sad these have to end. In a way, he probably realizes this too, but won't admit it
Is your Dad on any meds for his anxiety/agitation? He is probably Sundowning when he is calling you.
I agree with others that he probably now has dementia, which means you aren't obligated to do anything he demands since it is not reasonable or considerate. Distract or redirect the conversation. Even tell him a therapeutic fib that his doctor says he cannot safely use anything but an ADA bathroom and residence and must have a qualified aid and you can't go against his doctor's orders. But there won't be any reasoning with him anymore.
I hope your father's ordeal is over soon. This is no way to live.
No is a one word sentence. You won't do it anymore. Someone is going to get hurt and it won't be you. You don't even sit down to eat dinner with him. So taking it to him would be no different, really. Also, when you say No, your not responsible for the reaction you get.
Whoever has his DPOA needs to make that decision for his and your well-being.
Care with a loving firm hand and they will get past their issues
I walked in on my Mom screeming at my Dad. He had pushed the wrong button. Dad was about 77. He had been disabled for heart for 25yrs. He must have asked Mom for something he could perfectly do and she, 76, asked him "When do I get to be retired" Dad said "never". She went balistic. She had been his Caregiver those 25 yrs. Even before, waited on him hand and foot. I will bet he never apologized.
And what is this about demands? That is abusive. Sorry! I am being more reactionary than helpful