Okay, so my dad lives with me for the last 15 months since breaking his neck and subsequent 9 months of sepsis issues and rehab. The PLAN is that he divorces my step mom (came to realize she stole loads of money while he was in hospital, plus his treatment before that), then we sell his house which is not conducive to his current physical needs then go to assisted living. this has been the plan for many months.
The problem - he joined an online dating site and met this woman who is so "boy crazy" like a 12 year old. they talk on the phone and message all day. the problem is that he plans on going to visit her. He is not allowed to drive and is about to get a hip replaced. He wants to take a bus to get there - it is 300 miles from our house!! or have her son drive here to get him.
This just has so many red flags to me. I wouldn't even feel comfortable with my capable 22 year old doing this! I have explained the concerns he won't listen. you would think he would have learned from before. as it is i can't even let him have his debit card. I have POA. I am sure this is bizarre but i don't know what to do and he is going next Monday.
Thanks!
It may or not be permanent condition.
It may or not get better or worse.
At this time, though, you need to handle it as though he's demented--since that's what he's doing right now.
DO keep control of Dad's finances.
DO inform his Docs of his potentially dangerous behaviors and ask about evaluation for dementia--even if it's not a permanent condition, even if it's related to his on-going medical and emotional troubles-----tell the Docs you need their help to prevent Dad causing harm to himself or others---
---you need a Doc to declare Dad incompetent--even if it's just temporary right now--tell the Docs that--that you hope it's temporary due to his medical and emotional stresses. If the current Doc refuses to face that, find a new Doc, or talk with Social Services and tell them what's happening, and ask them how to get Dad declared incompetent for his safety.
You currently have POA,
BUT----if he hooks up with some weirdo, he could legally assign POA to anyone else, UNLESS he's already been declared incompetent----Including the wife he's not yet finished divorcing. If he's still legally married, hooking up with the new gal is pointless in some ways, but not if "she" gets his POA!
That he's having a hip replaced, oughta slow him down---he's not thinking clearly.
That could be related to dementia, or it could be all the other health issues he's had work on, with meds lingering in his system.
It could be his macho-ness, or OTHER health/mental health/ impulsivity issues going on.
In any case, he has no business sitting on a bus, confined spaces, at length---the Doc should be telling him this...
YOU can talk with the Doc doing his hip surgery, and get the Doc to tell Dad "You MUST avoid sitting for any length of time, and cannot travel for [make up a long time--a year?] "
--let the Doc know Dad has been trying to make some unsafe choices reguarding travel.
DO look up how singles sites and social media sites are dangerous
---people too often are NOT who they say they are.
Dad may also have lied online.
IF you can get into his singles account you might look for help doing that]---
---you could try emailing that "girlfriend", preferably from Dad's computer,
to let "her" know how broke you [Dad] are-- terrible sob-story in Dad's words---my soon-to-be ex wife stole everything; I'm permanently broke...and my health issues just keep going..."...that might be the fastest way to get the online honey to disappear.
When someone has made poor choices in partnerships/relationships, as it sounds like your Dad has----and at this age, especially----they are not gonna listen to anyone telling them "I researched your girlfriend, and she's bad" .
===That approach will most likely make him try harder to pursue that online honey, or to find another mate online.
Right now, he's trying to maintain who he imagines he's always been...
...still able to do everything same as always....trying to prove a point to himself, mostly.
Plenty elders do that....no matter that they had terrible track record with partners----it's all about Dad trying to make believe he's the same strong, active, macho guy as ever---cover up that his last marriage caved, etc..
==It's really about fear of losing ground----he's struggling with self image, losses of relationship, loss of autonomy, aging, illness--
---he's the last person who will recognize those feelings/fears, though---but his behaviors give it away.
If you do get some agency to sleuth "her",
it's more for your information, and might be useful if need to deal with police.
It would be good information, in case Dad does leave by trains, planes or bus, to call 911 to report a wandering elder in fragile medical condition---at that point, tell them he said he planned to take a bus to meet a woman he met online----and that you suspect an online predator----then give them a copy of the investigators report on "her", with as much other data as you could gleen from the online dating service & his computer.
Limits Dad needs:
Just like a teen, he needs to tell who he's with, where, and when to expect him home. That's just polite, responsible to those he lives with.
But it's also a potential life-saver for him.
Dad might have a small allowance, but not access to all assets, since he's making strange decisions and choices that could endanger his health and welfare....he's not thinking rationally [has he ever been rational?]
IF/When he can demonstrate his ability to be rational and accountable, then, only, he might regain priveleges, commensurate to his capabilities.
Please keep us posted how things go!
We're all waiting with baited breath to learn what happend!
.
So the red flags went up and the kids got involved. But according to the Miami police department, there wasn't much they could do if she decided to marry him. Fortunately, she loved her kids more than this goofy man. And it fell apart.
Good thing, he had been in jail and was living at the time he was conning my MIL with another woman. His brother, who is a judge in Ohio, told my BIL that this individual had been a con man his entire life.
I would talk to your dad and see what he tells you about the woman. If she seems normal or is she telling him crazy stuff. And most of all, is he giving her any money. Good luck.
Here is what went down - no help from my sibs. my sister has young kids and is busy and brother is 3000 miles away was waiting for my dad to bring up this woman in a conversation. My dad - is not that dumb lol - .
Went to a therapy session (both dad and I). I FREAKED. and the therapist supported me. outlined what a terrible idea this is. I dont know how much he believed it but it did sink in cause he cancelled. By the end of the week and it was a long one, he had also lost his drivers license (i insisted early in his recovery that if he wanted to drive, he had to be tested. wasnt a great driver before the injury!).
so, he STILL is talking to this woman like mad. She is so odd. Did background check, nothing exciting. now he acts like he doesn't want anything to do with her but yet he texts and emails and calls all the time. I had to put a block on his phone so he doesn't call during all hours of night. He ends up talking so loud he wakes the house. I told him, just don't talk to her and she will get the idea.
Stop fighting him and show an interest he may be flattered into boasting. I agree "she" may not exist and the son who lives across town not 300 miles away plans on taking dad to a few ATMs then disappearing or worse. Did you say dad had lots of debts? Keep us undated
Dad is still pretty young and probably trying to feel young and "still got it" at 68.
Continue to control the finances and keep a close eye on the accounts by monitoring online if you have to. I would tell him that the son and mom should consider making the trip down and staying in a hotel while they meet for a first acquaintance. She might not be aware of his health issues depending on how up front HE IS with her on line.
Put your foot down since he lives with you and tell him you don't feel comfortable with this and feel he is putting himself and your family at risk so as long as he is living under your roof, he will have to meet someone locally. If he refuses, then tell him he will have to move out and hire in home care.
If she continues to pursue dad, then maybe you fill her in on his health and circumstances and if she is legit, she will a take this relationship slowly.
Good luck. Protect yours and dads assets.
Dad sounds gullible, based on the fact his soon to be ex wife took him. Dad also sounds vulnerable based on the fact he has a soon to be ex. "She" picked this up.
Look up the term catfish on the Internet. Go on the Dr Phil site, he had a few episodes on the subject, including the football player Manti Teo. Get dad to watch these, even if you need to buy them. Also there is a HBO Documentary and a MTV series by the same name of Catfish. Get dad to watch these, even if he persists in visiting he will be forewarned. Dad is not mentally impaired and he is fairly young. You cannot prevent adults from doing stupid things, you can only warn him.
I do not think he will be kidnapped. I do think the "son", IF he does show up, may hit dad up for money. Some of these catfish simply create lives online without intent to further defraud, others are con artist.
If you have the guts you can go with dad. Make sure he does NOT bring his checkbook. Keep in close touch with him. Have him photograph and email you a pic as soon as whoever shows up.....my daughter is looking forwards to seeing you. The more I think about it the more I know you will not dissuade him from going and that he should not go alone. Reminds me of a blind date a friend dragged me along on in college.
Most likely this is a lonely person, living a make-believe life online...one give away for catfish is they are often model good looks (someone else's picture). After all if you are creating a fairy tale would you cast yourself a princess or a toad?
Best of luck
L
Good luck and let us know what happens gosh I just imagine my mum telling me shes met someone id be stir crazy with worry I dont know if you said your dad has dementia?
As they say, there's no fool like an old fool...you dad sounds like he's had major issues most of his adult life. It's too bad that his children (you) have more sense than he does. Good luck and keep us posted!!
Let this woman visit him, paying her costs out of her own pocket. She probably won't, which would pretty much solve the problem. On the off chance she does, she and your dad can meet for coffee someplace, with you on the other side of the restaurant to keep an eye on things (in case they try to slip away). A coffee meeting is the standard online-to-real-life fist step, so if whatsherface doesn't like it, that's a big red flag.
I think you should also call the police for their advice, in case the son tries to come around when you aren't at home and takes your dad someplace. Also, do some online snooping, maybe even hire someone who "checks people out", to see what you can find out about this woman and her son.
Good luck!
orangeblossom - i agree, i need to put my foot down and when you get down to it, he is a bully. we barely had a relationship before he fell, myself and my sibs thought this was his second chance and he would be the guy we grew up with. In the 80's he became dependent on then addicted to opioids. He wasnt doing illicit forms, but would typically fall short each month. We attributed a lot of his behavior to these medications. When he fell, it was instant and easy detox. He didnt have to choose to do it, the docs just did it. when he goes for surgery i am hoping he will go to the SNF he was at before. They loved him there (he can be darn charming and adorable lol) and i am hoping they will help me keep him there for the max medicare days. he only has plain medicare a/b, no supplemental! he has so many bills. yikes, i joined this site months ago, should have started talking sooner! thanks for all of your help