Please help! My dad's not getting the best care he can could, but they have threatened to hurt me if I come back?

I am so sorry that you are going through something so painful ... it is clear that you love your father very much, and are already grieving his loss. My heart goes out to you and all who love him.

Please understand that it can be difficult for people to have anything useful to offer in a situation like this, other than sympathy. I'm not personally at all familiar with your situation or previous posts, but it sounds from this one as if your conflict with your family has been ongoing (and possibly escalating) for some time. I'm assuming you've contacted an elder care attorney to find out whether there's anything you can do legally to ensure that you're at least allowed to visit your Dad, or possibly even to apply for guardianship? If not, then that seems like the right place to start.

If so, and you've been told for various reasons that there's nothing you can do (or that the chances of successfully applying for guardianship are low), then the only thing I can think to suggest is that you try to de-escalate things with your family so that you're at least able to spend time with your Dad. This may mean biting your tongue about the things you disagree with, and possibly swallowing your pride, apologizing for previous dust-ups/accusations, and asking just to be allowed to see your father (even if such “visits” must be supervised). Please don’t misunderstand me -- I am NOT SAYING that you are wrong. I don’t know you or your family, so I don’t know the whole story. But I do know it will be of little comfort to you to be right and to miss time left with your father.

On another note, I understand absolutely that you want to keep your father around for as long as possible ... but I do want to suggest to you, very gently, that to many, quality of life is infinitely more important than quantity. Speaking hypothetically, I personally would trade a five years of "living" stuck in a hospital bed, for example, for a year of good mobility ... or three months of "good" time for a year or more of nausea and brain fog on chemo. I have friends with chronic, serious health problems that have forced them (for their remaining lives) onto very bland and restrictive diets, or who have had to be in nursing facilities following strokes, and have seen firsthand how utterly miserable and depressed they become as a result of what they're now "allowed" to eat. I have a friend who's been on dialysis three times a week now for two years (immediately following a stroke), and she tells me, very calmly, that at 58, she is tired of living like this, and no longer fears dying.

Your father has some serious and chronic conditions ... perhaps eating what he likes is one of the few joys still in his life. If eating things outside the “approved” list shortens his life, but makes the time he has left better for him, perhaps this is a trade-off he wants to make (or would have chosen to make if asked before the dementia set in). I fully expect to make some choices for myself when the time comes that may not be what my family and friends would want me to do ... Yes, I know those choices may minimize my time, but I know, too, that they will maximize my happiness and enjoyment of that time ... and I hope fervently that the choice remains always mine to make.

I wish you the best of luck with a heart-breaking situation ... if you are not able to secure guardianship in this situation, or to find a “legal” way to compel your family to let you visit your father, I hope you will be able to find a way to calm the waters between yourself and your family enough to be able to spend some of your father’s remaining time with him.

P.S. House. Not many are here during the day....I don't think you were being ignored.....try not to feel hurt at the lack of immediate response. I think you are feeling extra sensitive, with good reason due to the way your family is treating you....But what I have learned is ...there is ALWAYS support here....even if it takes a little while. Relax, deep breaths.......HUG!

Household6 -

Was that last one a shot at us for not answering sooner?

I'm sorry for your troubles. I have a friend who was railroaded by the cops who were buddies with her father - dragged her out of her house in a slip!

Can you get any support from friends or neighbors or other relatives who see that they are not taking proper care of him? Has he been declared incompetent? It would have to be more than just taking him out to eat junk food. Do they take him to the doctor regularly?

Unless he has been declared incompetent, there probably isn't much you can do. A lawyer would be the only one who could help you to find out if there is anything you can do. He would know whether you can get rights to visit him. I understand how distressing this must be for you, and hope things can work out.

Um....who shot 1st? Just saying.
If you need help or to vent we are here for you....but don't take your anger towards your brother out on us.

household6, did you ever talk to the District Attorney about the things your brother did to you? I'm thinking that if you can get formal charges against your brother at least taken seriously, then maybe his POA can be revoked. What it sounds like is that your dad needs a court appointed person to take over his finances all together. Get the family out of the way by a disinterested third party. If I were you, that's the route I'd take to de-throne your brother. Forget the police, ask the District Attorney first hand. Good luck.

Some times we are all a little fragile, and just sugesting that we are bad or ignoring you for not having an answer to a question right away gets peole edgy. You posted "Wow, thanks so much for the input... I will go back to my crying" and
that's what people thought you meant. But you have got to be feeling that way yourself.

I would put the unhealthy food thing in perspective, but the threatening and the chance of inappropriate financial management is more serious and my heart goes out to you that you cannot get help with that. Is there anyone from the church with connections that could help (they would at least have an interest, since it is their potential "gift" being squandered?) It almost sounds like your uncle, your brother, and you dad are turning the whole thing into a stag party...of course, Dad picked the uncle to be POA, at least he knew not to make it your brother, and maybe not you because he knew brother would threaten?? Maybe, maybe not, but all of us may have to live with consequences of not picking the right POA. I had just posted my own question about that even before reading this post of yours...

I, too am so sorry to hear this. The situation sounds miserable. Unfortunately, as I have learned the hard way (not related to caregiving troubles), there are many terrible situations that cannot be resolved without spending a lot of money and time (assuming you can even find a competent lawyer interested in taking your money and, hopefully, actually producing results in exchange!) ... and even more unfortunately, even spending the money and time is no guarantee that things will work out the way they should. :-( I will continue to hope that something happens at least to reduce family tensions to a point where you're able to spend time with your Dad again ....that separation is clearly the worst aspect of this very sad situation.

I am so sorry for your loss. I will never understand the nasty dynamics that can go on with trying to control a parent or loved one at the time of their passing. Some families do well, others just slash and burn each other, grub and grab for each dollar and manipulate a needy person. To me, it's one of the lowest forms of human behavior and it is heartbreaking. condolences.

Well, I have an update and it is not very good. I was given the name of an attorney by my fil who is a Federal Judge. I called and they do not want to mess wit it unless I seek guardianship. I would love to seek guardianship but I know my father does not want to be in FL. He want to be in his home in IN. So this attorney gave me another attorneys name and I called them.. Even though my father is asking to see me and the POA has broken the law by locking me out of dads home when I had permission to be there and my personal belongings were inside...NOBODY WANTS TO HELP ME!! THEY DO NOT SEE DOLLAR SIGNS WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME, THEY SEE WORK, AND I GUESS THEY ARE NOT WANTING TO WORK WHEN THERE IS NOT A SETTLEMENT AT STAKE. SO, I will continue to mourn for my father.....even though he is alive. I guess this is my only way of dealing with it. Thanks to those for the "kind" comments.

I think what will be really hard for me to get over, is the fact that my dad did not get to see my kids.
I was there when he was sick but rushed away when he was getting better. All I can do, is hang on to those memories that I have with him, they are all very nice.