My father has been the primary caregiver for my Mom with dementia for a couple of years now but in the past year things have gotten pretty bad. She relies on him for everything and he is not a natural caregiver. There are many nights when she doesn't sleep and he just gets frustrated with her.
Us kids think its time that he got more serious about her care. We have already been paying for a nurse to come one day a week, but we need him to start contributing. He has the attitude that he will spend the money when he needs to, but that he doesn't need to yet. We don't agree. We think she needs and deserves better care.
Its ultimately Dad's responsibility, but my sister thinks that if she sets it all up (respite care or full-time care) my Dad might just go along with it. I know that he's exhausted and at his wit's end, but I think he's unwilling to commit to anything that might be expensive until he really has no choice.
Has anyone been through this? Any advice?
Thus, their 30 year old house has the original windows, and original appliances. So I wouldn't be surprised if one of them became unable to care for themselves, the checkbook would continue to gather cobwebs.
I also would be curious how others here had handled this.
mother consistent care and give you dad this time to sleep. Dad is likely exhausted and if he gets some sleep he may be able to think more clearly about the situation.
I would consider your mother's care not just you dad's responsibility, it will take
help and/or funds from the children as well. Frankly, if Dad dies this week, you will all be it anyway. You have a vested interest in working with Dad and coming up with a consensus on how to care for Mom. Plus Mom sees him as her primary caregiver any steps to cut him out of the picture will not be good for her either.
While the Great Depression has an effect on parents who came of age during this period, no one feels happy spending down their life savings. They know the person left behind may lose the independence that having money gives them in old age.
I paid for the home health aides for my dad and I assured him our income
(his and mine) covered the costs with his long term care policy paid for it.
Eventually we did have to dip into his savings but while he was aware of it, it served no purpose to tell him he was down this or that amount of money.
No senior wants to have strangers (home health aides ) in their home. Try to find an excellent aide who is good with the care and respectful to them as people (one who does not order them about). I was fortunate to find the perfect
aide and kept her to the day my dad passed. She brightened his days while I was working and I did the other 2 shifts a day myself for almost 4 yrs.
Good luck. This is the beginning of a difficult period.
I think you should help her get the plan prepared down to the last cent and a detailed care schedule, so that you both have a fully costed proposal to put to your father that also highlights how it would improve both life for him, and the quality of care for your mother. Then the two of you pick your moment (!?) to put it to him in a business-like way. If she's right, he'll agree (or at least negotiate, maybe); if you're right, and he's not ready, no harm done - you put the project on ice and await developments.
The big USP, by the way, is that if he gets his support in place now, he has a much better chance of avoiding the kind of crisis that will land one of them in hospital or an NH - and tear her away from him.
Technically, of course, you shouldn't be covering the cost of the help you've already arranged - that is your parents' expense and they should be meeting it. But it's very nice of you and I hope he appreciates it (I'm not putting any money on that, though!).
Good luck, don't let the grass grow, and while you're at it see if you can VERY TACTFULLY get anywhere with setting up DPOA for him so that you can continue to support him in future. He will need your help to stay independent, but he won't want you taking over - mind you don't tread on his corns.