Dad is in ALF, early to mid stage dementia, in a wheelchair, totally incontinent. When we visit he just sits there, barely engaging/talking/responding. He always assumed that he would ‘go’ before my mom, and set up everything so she would be taken care of, but SURPRISE she passed before him and now he is the one in a facility.
He is always known as the ‘life of the party’ - good old Don, always had a joke, always made the ladies feel special. My husband and I know that he is ‘acts’ the good old Don routine. In fact he is self-centered, thinks he is better than everyone else, makes faces when they turn their back from speaking pleasantly with him. Nothing is ever good enough - How was that movie? ‘Passable’ How was that soup? ‘Same shit as always’ Dad, do you want me to bring you anything next visit? ‘I’ll think about it’ or ‘not that I know of’. Anyway, I could go on and on and tell you stories and excerpts of his life to authenticate what I have written,, but I am here for a reason: when we visit him in his place at least once a week it is always the same: we converse, he is silent *mostly*, does not want to engage, does not want to go for a walk/wheelchair outside, does not want to join the events at the ALF, does not want to do a puzzle or crossword. He just sits there by the lobby fireplace. I have taken him many ‘busy’ hands devices, but he doesn’t use them. I would love to play cards with him, he used to be a BIG poker player for high amounts of cash, but he just says I’m to old to play for nickels. I don’t think he can remember what type of poker game he is playing - I am willing to play GO FISH with him, or Slap Jack, and have offered many times, his response is ‘I’m not a child’. So, someone please give me some suggestions. Please don’t tell me to take cookies or sweets when we visit, his ALF does that every day. Don’t tell me to ask him questions about the old days - he won’t go there. Thanks in advance for your help/suggestions.
I finally accepted that with my mom after a year. My stress level is much more manageable now.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again: You are keeping him safe. You must accept, no matter how difficult it is, that you cannot make him happy. I still find that tough to accept myself.
He lives in a care facility, is in a wheelchair, and in a diaper. He knows his life is over and that it's not going to get better.
Maybe instead of trying to get him to engage, just go there and sit with him. Don't do anything. Just be present.
It's common for once happy-go-lucky people when they get old to become miserable people. Especially when they have lost their independence and are living in a care facility. There's nothing to be done for it. At least your father isn't complaining incessantly and making demands on you every minute of the day.
He knows the good part of his life is over. Nothing can bring those days back. So just be with him. Watch tv, eat lunch, or just do nothing.
Perhaps you simply do what you want to do, and give up on the idea of making him happy. You can't re-make his personality at this stage. He isn’t happy, and he won’t be, whatever you do.
You are dealing with a disease.
You tell us the following:
"He is always known as the ‘life of the party’ - good old Don, always had a joke, always made the ladies feel special."
That is not who he is now.
He is now someone with dementia who has been stripped of his ENTIRE LIFE including the ability and wherewithall to make his own choices for his own care, and manage his own life.
He is now devoid of EVERY SINGLE THING that made him who he was.
Out of all of that truth you still want him to be the "life of the party"?
That won't happen.
So make infrequent short visits, send lovely cards, take in a car magazine or whatever he used to love.
Be gentle
Be kind
LET GO OF expectations. Your father has been reduced to almost nothing now.
Have sympathy and love for him in this tragedy.
You still want to have time with him, maybe with the hope of making memories. He can't make memories, so really, it's for you. But these may not be the memories you want to have left. It may be better not to make the current type of memories. Later, when he is gone, you'll be glad not to have more memories of this stage. I have them of my parents. I'd rather not, and they won't go away.
As for showing them pictures, I've had little response from loved ones when I made a point to bring old pictures back into their life. It was like, well, who's that, and I'd say that it was Aunt Beverly, and they had no clue who Aunt Beverly was. I seemed to be boring them.
Another picture story - I found a 2-hour DVD of beautiful home movies from DH's deceased wife's family, with whom he'd been close since he was in his 20's. I played the video, commenting on how that must be "Jessica" (wife, who went by her second name) when she was a baby, and that the next baby must be "Janna," her little sister, and that must be their new house when they were 11 and 12, and that was a pretty street they all lived on, and look! that's the beach house where they always spent part of the summer. He kept saying he didn't know any of those people, and I'd say that's your mother-in-law, Jeanette, she's so pretty, like Jessica. He didn't react to the names Jeanette or Jessica, just looked confused. He said he'd never been at the beach house although he was there many times and ended up owning it. So we get to the end of two hours, Jessica's smiling with her family as she prepares to leave home for good, and he says with much wonder, "That looks a lot like Mary!" Finally after two hours he recognized his wife - who was never called Mary, her first name, by anyone; she was only called Jessica, her second name. Two hours of not recognizing his wife or anything about her in the movies, and when he sort of does, he remembers her only by her never-used first name.
The demented brain is a strange but sometimes wondrous thing,
If he doesn't want to engage, then so be it. Just sit with him and perhaps play some of his favorite music.
And perhaps if you or he have any photo albums sitting around bring them to him and just put them somewhere that he can easily access them if he so chooses. Or even picture books of his favorite things, like birds, animals, airplanes etc. where he can look at them at his leisure.
It's not your job to make your dad happy or keep him busy. Let him guide you as to how he wants the visits to go.
When visiting someone with dementia, you must leave your world at the door and enter into their world. Life will be so much easier if you learn to do that.
I wish you well.
By any chance, were YOU the person who pushed to have him put in a ALF? If so, then he could be playing you--ignoring you b/c you caused this huge life-change for him that he probably didn't want.
Having his Dr assess him for depression would be good move. Getting him to take an AD is a whole other story.
Maybe he's getting a kick of some kind out of making you sweat to gain his attention...is that kind of person? Of course, if he has dementia, then he's really NOT responsible for how he's acting.
I really don't know what mid-level dementia looks like--or how you'd even dx someone with it.
This is frustrating, I know, but don't do a song and dance to try to get him to engage. If he's unresponsive, then leave for a good period of time. Don't put yourself through any more of the silent treatment.
No activity will sound appealing to dad when he's in a bad state of mind. A gregarious person who was once the "life of the party" who's now moping around sure sounds depressed to me. Your dad is exactly like my mother was. Full of boloney and Showtiming up a storm for others while making faces at them the minute they turned their back. My mother told me to throw out all the family photos she had in her apartment, in fact, yet she could charm the beejesus out of anyone, especially men. It was the family she didn't like and had no tolerance for. Dh and I kept our visits short when we went to see her in Memory Care because all she did was complain and act nasty, but the moment an aide walked in, she was all sweetness and light. 🙄 Antidepressants can only do SO much.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
If the guy isn't getting agitated, or violent with others, doesn't try to run away, and is not disruprive then he shouldn't have to be drugged.
2) Depression evaluation by his doctor and anti-depressants if necessary.
He may not have much to say when you visit and that’s okay.
The only other thing that I can think of is if you feel that he needs meds for anxiety or depression, then speak to his doctor about it.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this caregiving journey. It can be difficult and sometimes challenging as well as heartbreaking too.