My MIL is in an ALF for 3 months. She would call here numerous times a day. I would always pick up - at first - to try to reassure her and answer any questions she had. My idea was to support her all I could, then taper off as she got involved in activities there. I started the taper/weaning after a month, seemed like she was doing OK, but this month it has ramped up. I have decided not to pick up on all calls, especially the very early morning ones, hoping she will learn that's not a good time. Afraid she'll start calling even earlier. Early this morning, another phone call where she is crying, begging for me to call her, accusing me of not caring how she's doing because ONE day went by where she didn't talk to me. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not by not taking all her calls. I simply cannot be on the phone with her all day long. How should I handle this situation?
Interesting you mention assistance from staff because I just told her the very same when she wanted us to go up there immediately & pick up something that had fallen over. I told her to call the front desk & resisted the urge to tell her that's why she's shelling out that large sum every month (because money has always been a touchy subject with her). We've come to realize there will always be a 'crisis' (phone suddenly no longer works, can't open a window, can't find her pants, can't find her teeth, has lost or someone stole her purse, key, glasses, phone list, etc. She is absolutely distraught when she can't find something). Staff can handle those things & have done so with respect & courtesy. My hat is off to them!
It took a long time for us to get my mom to stop calling us with her "issues" of plumbing, light bulbs, ants, whatever. "Call the front desk mom", we'd say. And when she'd persist, we"d say, "that's what you're paying them $5000. a month for mom" She'd call.
On another discussion site there was a lawyer whose mother called her repeatedly throughout the day and night. At the office the secretary could screen the calls, but taking 6 calls from Boss's Mom within 10 minutes put a real dent in the secretary's productivity! The daughter had started the "don't answer the calls" process when the problem solved itself. Her mother could no longer work the phone! While Daughter was sad about her mother's decline, she at least had that silver lining.
My mother cannot work a phone. (Sometimes I see her trying to talk on her tv remote.) When I can't visit her I wish I could at least call and talk to her. But really, this is for the best.
Keep in mind ... this too shall pass.
MsMadge, Yes, MIL has her own phone in her suite. She is convinced it only works some of the time but it is operator error - we have checked several times. My MIL also spent hours and hours on the phone when she was in her own house. She has lots of friends, and she calls them all as well, but I get the majority and the dailies.
She also had phone numbers written all over on slips of paper on the backs of packages and random pieces of cardboard, envelopes, all over the house. It was a real mess. I decided to try to wean her or taper off once she got settled in AL but that hasn't worked. I will continue to screen calls because I know talking to her each and every time she calls is not helping her, and it's exasperating for me. It sure is awful though. Dam*ed if I do, dam*ed if I don't.
My mom is in memory care and does not have access to a phone and the staff only calls if there is a real need
While she was living at home she would spend hours sitting at the phone making calls and writing down phone numbers on paper and then hiding them all over the place including her bra
I maintained a separate cell phone just for her to call me and while at work would take a few calls and then turn it off - this was very difficult since then she would not be able to reach me in a real emergency
Even now she begs me for a phone so she can call me when she's a scared which is 24/7 - while I would like to talk to her each night before she goes to bed I have to keep telling myself it won't really calm her down and might upset her more if I give her cell phone and don't answer it
Good idea to add a special ring tone just for MIL on the landline and another for the ALF. Doing that right away! Thank goodness she doesn't have my cell number (and never will).
I'll also check out the movie you recommended. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with this.