They have verbally attacked us four times in the past four months. Basically they r aging and not happy. Blaming all of their unhappiness on us. Last attack I was told I do nothing for them, mom is sick and dying because of me, my husband is a selfish spoiled bully and we have done a terrible job raising our two boys. Ironically my hubby and boys treat them like gold. How do I handle this???
Are they living with you and your family or are you living with them?
Is this your parents or your husbands parents?
Are they cognizant?
Do you have POA for health and or finances?
If they are cognizant you tell them that they must treat you with respect, any violence, verbal, emotional, physical abuse will not be tolerated. If they continue you will cease any help.
If there is any abuse you leave the room, you hang up the phone.
If they are living independently you STOP helping them.
If they are not cognizant you begin looking for a place that will meet their care needs. If necessary begin the process of Medicaid application.
If they are living with you and they are cognizant you tell them that they have to look for other housing. (If this is your husbands parents then HE has to tell them. If he wants them to remain in the house you have 2 options...YOU stop the care that you are providing and HE has to pick up the slack or you decide if you want to remain in this situation.)
They can hire caregivers to do what you have been doing if necessary.
This type of stress will effect your health.
If they are not I think that you should tell them that you will no longer be assuming any of their care. To do so seems a bit masochistic to me.
I would leave, leaving them the emergency numbers and the contact for APS if they need to reach out for loving care.
There's no reason to put up with this, quite honestly.
They just have consequences for their bad behavior.
You need to bring your mama Bear side out, that all us mothers have, and cut you and your family off from your parents.
I finally stood up to my mother the last 2 years of her life . When she died I was very angry at myself for not standing up to her sooner . I had already done most of the grieving of her decline and impending death .
1) they are not happy because they are old .
2) “ Mom and Dad , I didn’t make you old , I cannot fix old “.
Walk out when they start with the verbal abuse . Tell them you’ll speak to them when they can be civil .
Stop doing for them . They need assisted living , not independent living .
@the.holistic.psychologist
I feel like you needed to hear this quote, especially after reading you say, "Mom is in bad health so I dread this latest round will end up with her not surviving and I won’t be able to forgive myself." It's never wrong to ask someone to treat you right. When mom dies, there will be nothing to forgive yourself for, because you deserve respect after taking care of your parents and all their needs for a long time.
Set down some firm boundaries for yourself and stick to them like glue. When my mother got ugly with me and started ranting, I'd get up and leave. Or hang up the phone if we were talking, letting her know WHY. I did nothing to deserve being treated badly and I would not tolerate it. Neither should you. If my mother DARED utter a word against my husband or children, then she'd suffer MY wrath.
What you do for your parents is a privilege for them and you do it out of love. But you'll stop doing it if you're not treated with respect. And no guilt, it's your right as a human being. If they disagree, they can pay people to help them instead.
Good luck.
She is now in care. She is often nasty when I visit, so I go once a month. Incidentally, when my cousins visit, it’s happy fun party time.
You may have to walk away. It was difficult for me to accept that I am my mother’s rage trigger. Being your parents does not give them a free pass to be nasty. Let them face the consequences of their actions. After all, if your mother is dying because of you, you shouldn’t hang around her, should you?
BTW, now that she’s lost most of her power over me, instead of complaining about how I made her grow old and ruined her life, she calls me fat and ugly. I just leave. Because I can.