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Decisions about a parent's care that has alienated all or most of your family even though your choices were necessary and approved by medical personnel?

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My brother doesn't offer opinions, but he's not involved in her care at all. He lives much closer to her than I do, but does nothing. I don't communicate with him anymore, it just feels phony if I try to email to say hi, or inform him of what's going on. There's no relationship there, so it feels like I'm talking--or emailing--to the wall. When my mother eventually dies, I won't have any further contact with my brother.
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You don't need your family to agree especially if you are the only one looking after your Mom. They tell themselves a story and believe it, so who really cares what they think as long as you are taking good care of her. Tell your Mom it's important she has her own opinion and you understand her feelings, but it's not fair to you that she's mad at you for doing what your father wanted you to do.
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After reading all of these posts on line, I realized that I am not alone. This is a universal problem. My mother was diagnosed with dementia and she lived in her home alone. My brother didn't want to help at all with my moms house maintenance like cutting grass, her doctors appointments, the grocery shopping, the weekly pharmacy runs, the nightly calls to remind her to take her pills, the crazy calls I would get at work that someone stole her frying pan etc......when I confronted him about the two of us creating a schedule and trading off weeks, he blew up and that is when the name calling and finger pointing began. We have not spoken to one another in 2 years. Since that argument, I have had to sell her house, car and old furnishings. Had to store all of her other belongings in my garage, had to purchase new furniture and move her into assisted living all while working a full time job and maintaining my own house, yard, pets etc... It just about killed me. Currently I manage her finances and doctors appointments. She is doing better than I ever expected in assisted living but her dementia is worsening and a move to a nursing home is inevitable. I will never forgive or forget that my brother was verbally abusive and refused to help my mother when she needed it the most. When the chips are down is when you get to see someone's true character. Bottom line is that I can look myself in the mirror and know that I have done the best that I can and that is all anyone can ask. I know you all feel alone in this just as I do but rest assured that this is more common than not! Take care of yourselves.
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I agree with pstiegman. My siblings do nothing and have all the advice. They are not the ones who just spent the last hour cleaning up shit that my mother got all over the place. They are the ones that "claim" that they would love to grow old together with my mother. I say, I'll buy you the ticket tomorrow. They scatter to the winds.
My siblings have all been alien to me. I no longer expect much from them but criticism.
As long as you are doing what is best, you will sleep well.
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Yes. When I placed mom in an assisted living facility. They insist that they want to be informed before I make decisions but they don't offer help. I warned them a couple of times before it came to that point. By the way, she is doing awesome there and my siblings that are in town try to visit once a week. Best decision I could have made.
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Thank you for the answers. You made me smile and laugh while making me feel less alone. I loved my father dearly, miss him everyday, but he had suffered and been brought back from coding too many times. Everyone thought we should continue to keep the poor soul going through this cycle even though he had a medical directive with DNR clearly stated. He was 84 and just wasn't going to get any better. My mother was refusing to give the medical directive to hospitals. She is still angry that I finally made her produce the papers. My father thanked me. Guess who takes care of Mom, now? I do and my siblings get angry at everything.
I am so thankful for your answers.
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pstiegman hit the nail on the head! Yes absolutely I think we all have at one time or another or we will encounter it as time goes on. A sibling of mine use to always make comments about putting Mom in a NH. She was recently hospitalized and a doctor took me aside and told me she needed to be put into a NH because I could not handle her alone. When I told sibling who does nothing to help, what doctor said, she came unglued and wanted to know JUST WHY COULD I NOT DO IT AT HOME, WHY CANT I HIRE IN HOME HELP IF I NEED IT SO BADLY....said sibling also recently accused me of doing nothing but sitting on my ___ all day long. I posted what I had done all that day on Facebook and asked everyone if they thought that would be considered "sitting on my ___ all day?" The replies were a resounding, "OH my God, how can you possibly do all that?" When I told said sibling I wanted her to start helping me around here, she informed me that I could not leave the house on the weekends for time off unless I got approval from her....because she might have places she needs to go! So when do I get a day off??? She is gone 5 days a week all day long!

Yes, they will get angry with you no matter what you do and they will not educate themselves to know the reasons behind doing what you have had to do. They also do not want you to explain your reasons, they just want to be mad and you become their whipping boy!
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Certainly! Move a parent into a facility and the howling will come loudest from the relatives who never lifted a finger to help. They are Monday morning quarterbacks, ask them where the heck they have been for the last ten years. If this was all so important, why did they wait til the water ran over the dam, the cow got out of the barn? These are the kind of people who build a storm shelter AFTER the tornado ran through town. Sheesh!
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My mom is my family.
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