I know that this question seems insensitive, however I have observed a pattern in a relative that triggers my suspicion. He has non-Alzheimer's dementia. He still remembers people, places and some recent events, but has short-term memory losses, disorientation to place and time, and behavioral issues. He repeats questions often. The thing is, he seems to repeat questions much more frequently when he disagrees with the answer. I have also noticed that he repeats himself much more around people that give him his way when he persists. In other words, he acts like a spoiled kid in a toy store. Most things I have read about dementia sound like the person goes back in time in memory and that they act out the age of their last memory. Can someone with dementia remember some recent events but then behave like a child? Or, could he be mentally aware enough to intentionally take advantage of his memory loss to get his way?
No. People with dementia do not keep track of how many times they've asked a question, or if they ask it more under some conditions than other others. An outsider may make these observations but that doesn't mean the dementia person is doing it consciously.
My heart breaks for the person with dementia who is treated with suspicion.
The kind of dementia my husband has -- Lewy Body Dementia -- is characterized by fluctuations in cognitive ability. When people with this disease are in a care center that has not handled it before and has not made an effort to learn about it, staff sometimes accuse them of faking it. How can they not know how to do that this afternoon when they could do it this morning? They must just be trying to manipulate us. I've heard about this from fellow caregivers frustrated at how a care center is handling their loved ones more than once. Sad, sad, sad.
In any kind of dementia, there are ups and downs. There are things the person can do and other things they can't. There is not a uniform level of disability across all aspects of mental activity.
Sometimes even new caregivers can't accept the reality of their loved one's dementia. A wife will be outraged that her husband is behaving this way because she knows perfectly well he could do better if he tried -- he could do better yesterday. Sigh.
Sorry. This question pushed one of my hot buttons!
After reading the comments above, from Jeanne and Cwac, I feel somewhat ashamed of my thoughts that my Mom is faking it, and selfish. I'm glad I saw this posting, because it has brought me a greater understanding of what the illness is doing to my sweet Mom's brain. (She really is a sweet Mom.)
Thanks for the question, Tracy, and thanks for the good and helpful responses.
She's bedridden and can do very little for herself. She would have us do everything but I will not do things she is able to do. She says she can't but we know she can get her own drink off the table, feed herself, etc. Someone is alwways there to help but I refuse to wait on her for the few things she can do. I just feel like she should do the few things she is capable of doing. I'm happy to help as long as she is trying.
Showtiming takes a great deal of effort and the person is usually very tired afterwards. Gradually the person can do it less and less and eventually cannot do it at all.
If your mother is manipulating anyone it is the medical staff, with her showtiming efforts. With you she is relaxing her efforts and her dementia is very apparent.
Who know why your mother denies you as her daughter? Perhaps she is remembering you as a child, and thinks you are an imposter. That must be very frightening for her, don't you think?
Perhaps you can go along a little. "Well, Jane, we are living together now so let's try to get along well. I am the very nice woman who is sharing my house with you, and I'll look after your needs as well as I can. I'll look after you as if you were my mother."
I hope you can give up the notion that your mother is doing this to manipulate you. She is a very confused person with dementia. She needs all the support and comfort she can get.
But don't take my word for it. Get some professional input. See a therapist. Call in a social worker. Talk to her doctors. Listen to your brothers. And remember that it isn't only what is best for Mom that counts ... you deserve what is best for you, too.
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