I petitioned the State to take guardianship of my father. Long backstory, feel free to read my other posts, but he has not been a father. This was my last effort to get him the help he needs.
A lady from The Department of Aging called me and tried to guilt me in to taking the guardianship role. She tried to make it so simple like all I need to do was find a nursing home for him and fill out paperwork yearly. I was firm with my answer of no. His sisters and other daughter want no part in this. He cut them out many years ago.
Now the proposed guardian/The Dept of Aging has filed an answer with the court that they think there are better alternatives than the state taking over. My attorney said this is not cause for concern. But do they really think we are going to this hearing, and they are going to convince me to take the role?
There is no way I am doing this. My life has been absolute hell since I involved myself with him again 3 months ago. I am to the point that I am not even talking to him because there is no comprehension on his end as to what I am saying. He has moderate cognitive decline and is paranoid delusional. It is getting worse by the day. He calls me 30-40 times a day, has accused his neighbor of raping him, his neighbor was issued a peace order against him, he’s been to the ER 10 times in 3 months for non-emergency and made up issues, he calls the cops everyday-10 times in the past 6 days regarding delusional stories, he has received a notice to vacate his apartment because he is harassing others, he has no health insurance, he gives my phone number to everyone he encounter (police, detectives, apartment manager, his neighbors, bill collectors), and the list goes on and on.
Every generation thinks the one before and after does something wrong. But my girls' generation is definitely one that won't put up with being guilted and shamed for not being treated like crap and being made to feel guilty for something that they have no guilt in.
Social workers, hospitals, Dept. of Aging, Rehab facilities, they all have a duty of care. If they can transition that duty of care to someone else, they are no longer responsible. They are looking for someone else to shoulder that burden. And they will use all means available to them to get rid of that responsibility. Including making it seem much easier to take on that responsibility.
Oh, you just have to find him a nursing home and sign some paperwork - no problem. Sure, no problem. Except - until it's all legal, you can't even make him go. And the second you pick him up, he's your problem.
You do not need to shoulder this. You are well within your rights to walk away with NO guilt. Change your number or block his. This isn't your fight anymore. The state can take him on. They have the resources. And you find that you won't get the access to those resources if he falls in your lap no matter what they promise you. They will be slow to come and few and far between, and not enough to make the ends meet. This is too big of an undertaking.
I wish you the best of luck!
The people being asked to step up and step in are not responsible for the problems.
They didn't cause them.
They can't fix them.
And it is inappropriate to feel guilt when you didn't do anything.
That's what GRIEF is for.
And you are so RIGHT that the guilt is being used as a weapons sometimes by social workers, sometimes by doctors and recent we saw it from the admin at a facility to family living out of town. I well understand that the state wants not to take this on. It's costly. They want family to take it on. But in many cases family cannot, and that is what the state system is for.
It's a real dilemma, as you point out blue-eyed.
Happy Thanksgiving 🦃!
My limited experience of dealing with the “system” is that there is a formula, boxes to check, so to speak, before your local people are cleared to go forward with a permanent solution.
States and even counties have their rules which may differ. The bottom line the person you describe needs to be where they can be treated for their illness.
Your own lawyer is assuring you. I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
You need to stop that one in its tracks.
Quite honestly I am uncertain why you have an attorney and why you are participating in this?
You don't need to.
As you might guess, when there is no one else the State DOES take over, knowing there aren't other options.
They are seeing your participation here as an option. And you are paying for this?
Normally, when people cannot deal with an elder, as is the case here, they report to APS and APS starts the ball rolling for guardianship. Once that happens, family (this will be the case for you) have NO INPUT as to sale of things, expenditures, placement locations and et al. They are either absent or step away.
You say you fear they will "try" to get you to do this.
Of course they will.
You simply say that you physically and mentally are unable to do so, and that you will not do so.
You do not owe details. This is not a legal obligation. They are requesting you do so and will make any promises under the sun.
This is easy windy. Just say "no". Full stop. End of sentence.
Wishing you a good Thanksgiving.
Hope you will continue to update us on this journey. Look forward to seeing this is done and you are free.
I felt bad but also felt like I was being harassed. I thought getting him through the system quickly with the help of an attorney would ease things.
I have now resorted to leaving my voicemail full and blocking him as he calls constantly and going no contact. My husband and a friend will be calling APS again to try to get them to intervene sooner. Maybe if they receive multiple calls, they will do something.
I feel like a hostage
That's why the state needs to take guardianship. Many NHs will not admit patients who are being forced into care, which makes this scenario all the more difficult for the OP. If she accepts guardianship, she has ALL of the responsibility and NONE of the power or resources that the state does.
Windy, trust your lawyer. Do what she tells you and understand that this process of the state resisting may simply be pro forma.
Please don't torture yourself.
My therapy session just today made me realize that he has been emotionally abusing me my whole life by manipulation tactics to get what he wants. He has no regard for my life, my family, my feelings.
Just yesterday he had a friend of his call me because he told her that his apartment moved him outside and he had no where to go but a hotel. This was a complete lie all in attempt to get me to call him because he needed something and I have his number blocked and was not acknowledging his messages and calling him back.
It is a very hard thing to separate one’s self from abuse that’s been going on for almost 50 years from someone who’s role is supposed to be caretaker.
Glad you were able to separate yourself and have peace.
You tried to help your dad out and through no fault of your own it wasn’t possible.
I applaud you for recognizing that your dad is difficult to handle.
You’re very wise to tell the woman from Dept. of Aging, “No!” She is trying to coerce you into something that isn’t feasible.
After all you have been through, you have every right to stand firm in your decision.
Wishing you peace through this difficult time in your life.
You may be subpoenaed to court. I think you or your lawyer will need to be there so the judge can be told by u or ur lawyer that you do not want guardianship. Actually, you want nothing to do with this man so the State will need to take over his care. Like said, this is just how the SW has to proceed to get the Judge to appoint a State guardian. IMO, a Judge can't rule you have to be guardian if you don't want it.
When a collector calls, tell them you are not responsible for your Dads debts. That they are not to call you again and if they do, you will report them to the Federal Trade Commission. Tell the cops the same thing, you are not responsible for Dad and they need to Baker Act him. Do not pick up the phone unless its someone you know. So hope u have caller ID. Maybe your lawyer can write up a letter stating that you are in no way responsible for Dad physically or financially. Then you send it you everyone who calls you. Once he is in a home, the cop calls and neighbor calls should stop. The collectors, give him Dads new address and phone# of the NH. Then tell them not to call you again. Best thing, don't pick up the call. I do not pick up #s I do not know. If important, they can go to VM. Most of the time they hang when VM kicks in. If a collector, u just don't return the call.
I'm always kind of amazed, reading about folks admitting their loved ones to NHs, how they perceive Discharge folks trying to manipulate them.
My brothers and I never gave a second thought to the idea that demented mom, no matter how much loved, could be cared for by any of us in our homes or hers.
I don't know if was something we projected or what. But no one ever asked if we were taking her home.
Stand strong, kiddo
They just seemed like odd questions to ask when guardianship has not been appointed yet and there is a lot of time and opportunity for them to talk to me about those things.
I could think of a lot of other questions she could ask to prepare for taking him under their care. Like questions about his ADLs, his physical health, medications, dietary restrictions, allergies, medical history, etc.
The lady was very kind but absolutely had a job to do. After she got off the phone me she called my sister and his sisters to ask them the same things. And they are people listed in the petition as being completely estranged from him and not speaking for over a decade.
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