I am depressed, tired and discouraged from caregiving and that’s not the real me. What can I do to get back to my “real” self?

okay Rosetindall -- I do understand where you're at and I'm there right with you. Since this journey i have been on i've decided society is divided up between those who care and those who do not. Talk is cheap and i no longer have any expectations. I wrote a letter to all my siblings at once just saying what's going on, what's involved, and just a short paragraph of how this has deeply affected my life. I wrote that I am not the same person I was before, and will do what is required. when the time comes for this person to pass (if she passes before me), I will not be holding a service. the end. to be totally honest, with what i've gone through and what you've gone through -- the last thing we need is siblings crying over spilt milk -- my feelings is that they should have been here to be with her while she's alive.
There i've said my peace.

Oh my...When i keep reading this forum I feel so much better but when I read about asking family for help first it is a waste of your time and energy and expectations from them is zero. I had a family meeting with my moms lawyer and also at my moms house. They want to help but never do. I do believe we were born as caretakers. I am getting more and more depressed because of the workload taking care of my mother. This is not me. There is no end in sight. Parents live longer now a days and the sibling suffers because of this. My mom is 92 years old and just suffered a stroke and lives with me now and she doesn't understand the work I do for her. I guess i am "THE CHOSEN ONE". I only get negative feedback from my sibblings so i decided to write them off all 4 of them. They talk the talk but don't walk the walk. My mom has some money so I decided to hire, hire, hire anyone that will watch her. I will get alot of negative feedback from sibblings with spending my moms money on care for her which I desperately need. I have power of attorney so they became very jealous of this which I didn't ask for my father asked me before he died of cancer which I took care of him too. My husband and I are in good shape with our own finances and i don't need my moms income so my dad made sure she had enough for her life so I will use it as I need it for her. And if it helps me feel better with caretakers helping I will use it. I still have to sell her home and I asked for help from family members and they told me off. Oh well. It felt good venting. thanks for listening..

I am praying for all of you caregivers. Please do research and take advantage of every resource available in your area. And remember to share the love and care with all the other children,brothers,sisters etc. close relatives and friends.However many there are the care time needs to be divided among them.Do not be selfish. In New Mexico where I live the law would be on your side and they could be brought to care for the frail one. Get the department of aging to evaluate for the care needed,who and where the frail one wants it provided then rule on whats fair and go for it! And be ready for some odd but workable options.The ones who can't or won't come to care can pay the caregiver.
As wife of the oldest son I have always assumed and offered for my mother in law to come and live with us when the time came. But she has 10 sons and daughters who all want her to live with them . I suggested a month with each one but they do not like that idea because she wants to stay in her own house and they think it is too big a sacrifice to be there even if the time is broken up(sign up on a calendar by the day or week). Finally, at her request,one son who never really left home has wound up, with medicare providing the skilled care, staying with her. She is very happy now.Still in her own house and all the other kids,grandkids and greatgrandkids stop by all the time.
I have learned so much about staying on my feet,diet and exercise and being social ,learning new information so I will be able to be my own caregiver as long as I can with God's help!

Suanne,
I don't know if there is any comfort that you can get from knowing that you are NOT alone in your challenges. Clearly the support you receive here is very valuable but it doesn't take away your struggles or your pain. Having been a coach for caregivers in your situation for the past 4 years after caring for my ex husband's parents for six years and then for my father for two, I can tell you that the success of caregiving begins with you, the caregiver. You cannot do this by yourself. You need to set up a support system and you have to place yourself at the top of the pyramid. Without you - everyone loses. And you cannot lose yourself because you matter too much. You need to get very clear about what you CAN do and what you will no longer do without support from others. Your family dynamic makes this even more difficult but perhaps there are ways that you can get your sister to help in ways that will give her a purpose so she doesn't have to spend her time criticizing you and your caregiver skills. I would strongly recommend that you set a plan for yourself, call a family meeting and get help. So often caregivers do it ALL until there is nothing left to give and you can't do anymore. I would welcome the opportunity to talk to you and see if we can put some systems and procedures in place that will work for YOU. I'm easy to find. www.thecarecompany.biz. As heart-wrenching as this is for you right now, there are things that can be done to relieve the pressure of your day to day life. If you feel inclined, please give me a call or send me an email through my site. Good luck with everything. Feel the love coming your way just in these comments alone. Cindy

Oh annt, I'm so glad for you. Go, enjoy! Does your mother still have her reasoning skills? Explaining that you and brother will both be away over the next few days and you've found a nice place for her to stay should be easier than if she had dementia. Give her the time you will be returning. I think I'd try to announce this all matter-of-factly, If you sound apologetic that is a signal that there is something to apologize for -- that this won't be a good experience. And, of course, don't ask if it is OK with her, because it is going to happen even if she says No. You might say, "Things will be a little different than they are at home. I hope you'll be a good sport and cooperate. And if they do things you like better, don't get spoiled -- there's only one of me and they have a staff!"

I don't know where you are going, but please pack light -- leave the guilt complete behind. :)

I'm putting my mom in a respite home for a few days. I have to have a break. I've been sick for days. Can't help her or my husband if I'm sick. It's the first time I've used respite and I don't know how to break the news to her. She will be going tomorrow afternoon so I have to do it soon. What do I say to keep her from thinking that I'm abandoning her? I'm going out of town and so happens my brother is going away this weekend too. Man, I'm feeling guilty. But it's got to happen. It's been a very stressful weekend and week so far. Her needing constant care and me being sick. Bad combination.
Hope you all have help or get help so that you can deal with the stress. It's a must!!!

Ask for help even if it is just a couple hours a week, reconnect with old friends and family and old interests make it a point that care-giving is a non-topic for most of the times you are away from it, just to give yourself a breather so it isn't like it is all there is in your life. Take good care of yourself as well as the person who is receiving the care.

What a God send this site is! Finally people who understand what i am going thru! Thank you for all your good advise hugs and comments. It feels good just to be heard and understood and you all hit the nail on the head. I had a talk with my husband ( who is also very supportive) and he advised me to compartmintalize my sisters responses as much as possible, he has also agreed to do all the communication with her as we no longer communicate effecively. i have decided to try to come up with something to do that makes me feel better even if it is only 10min a day....just don't know what yet as i have been lost for so long i no longer what that would be besides sleeping.I am also gonna try using the agency i work for to allow others to come in an help out occasionally and just turn a deaf ear to the complaints that follow. like jenegib bs said a little bit of control may go a long way to helping me to get a foot hold on my life again. Thank you all so much for your supportive, and very helpful comments and prayers. Thank God for this site!

I agree with the previous suggestions. Hiring healthcare aides for 3 or 4 hours a day was very expensive and not covered by medicare or her other health insurance. I sent mom to a senior day care for 3 days a week and mom enjoyed it. It had a medical staff to give her her daily RX's. Also many activities. They had a very minimal charge for door-to-door transportation in a van, making sure that mom got safely into her house. But, it eventually got to the point where mom started having anxiety attacks when on the van b/c she didn't like going home to an empty house. It was at that point that I researched ALF and found on that was close by and which she could afford. I got the ALF to agree to keep mom, even when she runs out of money, since she can be self-pay for about 2 years. (Mom is 87) When she needs a nursing home, they will transfer her to their nursing home and help us apply for Medicaid.
My sibs haven't beem supportive of me, either. Theyt have accused me of almost anything that you can think of, except for abuse. They think that I want to be the POA so that I can cheat mom and spend her money! Not only is that not true, BUT I do all of the stuff they won't lift a finger to help me with---such as packing up and getting rid of all of mom's stuff (furniture, clothing, junk, etc) to sell her house and move her into the ALF. All of this has been exhausting and depressing but I just want you to know that you aren't really alone and that your feeling are real. Don't ever let your sibs or anyone else make you feel that you are "over-reacting" or a "drama-queen." It is their guilt that they use to justify their selfishness.
Hang-in there! When your mom passes, you will know that you have done everything that you can do! BUT DO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH AND YOUR FAMILY!!
HUGS TO YOU !!

Go to senior center or health department
both can find help for your mom so you can have respite care
I did because i am soul caregiver to my mom
the government offers many programs for those who qualify and if she does not qualify it is only because her income or savings is too high
in that case senior center can give you angencys you can hire. Take advantage of them all
and try not to talk to your sister too much on the phone scrreen all calls
i have the same almost

NoName, when my husband first developed dementia he was up 5 to 7 times a night. I quickly became a zombie. His sleep deprivation made his problems worse. It was a nightmare. When his neurologist asked which symptom we wanted to tackle first, I said it had to be the sleep problems because I would simply not be able to keep him at home if we couldn't resolve that. We had one false start, but soon settled into a routine with a nightime drug. That was 8 years ago. Hubby still takes it, still lives at home, and neither one of us are sleep deprived zombies. You would be amazed at how much difference that makes!

If you haven't discussed the sleep problems with MIL's doctors, I urge you to do so. If you have, try again, with more firmness!

You are doing a wonderful thing. I wish you great success with the social workers visit.

okay, so now i know I'm not the only one with the same frustrations. I, too, am struggling with the feeling of fighting for my life everyday and fighting off depression and sadness all the time. I have gone through so many emotions that I'd have to keep a journal. Friends, and outside family tend to stray away, and I;ve lost my self also. I find that it's even difficult to be around the "good-times" friends and I sure don't know where this is going to lead. Thanks for letting me vent.

Everyone who has written comments above mine has given you wonderful advise and support. Each care-giving situation is unique, and yours sounds extra difficult. I just want you to know that I send you my support and best wishes, too. I've been reading comments on this blog every day for over a year now -- I have learned that however you can get it, you must take care of YOU, too, and try to get some "Me Time" each day, doing something even if it's just a short burst of time, special that you enjoy. For me, that's even a 15-minute break sitting outdoors with a cup of coffee enjoying looking at birds and flowers. May not be much, but it's so important. Continue to read and absorb the advise you gain from this website; it's your support group.

I also can not find myself. I have struggled with taking care of my MIL for only 3 months, but she has incontinence and dementia..so we (my hub n I) never really get sleep because she is up at least 5 times a night. FINALLY after hitting rock bottom I told my husband to tell his brothers to step up or I was leaving to be happy and not so sick all the time. They now take her on weekends and I got her doctor to help me get in some P.T. so she could get a walker and a nurse aide to bathe her twice a week..A nurse comes in twice a week also. I still HATE who I have become..I am sad and lonely and just plain exhausted!! So, I do relate. My own family has been rather cruel because I can not find energy to even come and visit my own mom, who is ok other than she is 86, but she lives with my sister and niece. I call my mom alomost every day and try hard not to let her know how sad I am, but she knows, but if my sister answers or my niece forget it..I am a horrible person for not coming to see my mom. WELL, even though they have cars and have not yet come to our place to see if they can help me..I am TRYING very hard to learn how to just let them vent and not get stressed over it..Still very hard. So, yes family and friends seem to vanish when you become a sole caregiver. Anyway, I just vented too. I love my MIL but I absolutely HATE being the sole caregiver. IT IS HARD, DEMANDING ..never ending work. Now, Having vented and said all of that which was just to let u know U r not alone and we all care on this site..We try hard to help each other thru because we do get burnout out and depression, etc...So my suggestion is what I did..It is YOUR home..You dont worry about what anyone else says..Set it up so that it feels like your home, even if you have a lazyboy recliner you can set in another room away from you..Or anything to make her a place of her own so you both have privacy. Give her a bell or get a baby monitor so you can see her and hear her if she needs you...YOU must take care of yourself no matter what it takes because if you do not then you will not be able to take care of anyone. As long as you are taking care of her and she is fine...Then YOU do what it takes to get some sanity back into our life. I use to love my dining room however, I love my sanity better, so I set my dining room up like a little apartment for her and told her it is her little apartment and I am next door if she needs me. She loves it. Of course I still assist her and I still take care of her, she is not locked away being in her dining room apartment...It makes me sane and her happy. So, whatever it takes. Forget about the looks of your home for now and set it up to help YOU take care of YOU and her in an easier way. PLUS, DO get a Social Worker and ask your sister to be there...I have one coming next week and her sons will be here so that they will understand why I can no longer sit in a house for 5 days a week with their mother....It is VERY hard and we do get depressed and cry too much..The Social Worker will help and help everyone to understand and most of all help YOU get the help for her so that it is not all on you...Good Luck...I started the ball myslef and yes I felt guilt, but now I do not care...It is their mother I care for very well I might add, but they do not understand how I can be depressed and sad just being able to BE AT HOME ALL DAY...they would love it they say!! Well, we will see after they hear that I am not the only one who has burnout, depression, and sadness from being a sole caregiver. Get help now honey..You need it to get better. Best of luck to you and yours...HUGS...I vented...But I care about anyone on here that is in the same boat you are in....Hang in there..and call for help today...IT IS YOUR HOME!!!!

Suanne, OH I wish you lived beside me!! We are sailing in the same boat. I feel so lost. Have been caring for my husband with ALZ for 5 years. Boys and friends seem to dissapear. I have a sister in NH she needs me too. Get 4 hours twice a week, beginning to think that one out. Costing us to much. I go to nursing home on Thursday for my 4 hours to see sister. Please hang in there. I cry a lot and sometime find myself thinking things that are just not me!! Not any company everyone thinks ALZ is contageous. Dumb..... Just know there are a lot of unappreciated and misunderstood when we dont feel like laughing or taking care of how we look somedays..for me most days. But this too shall pass.
write me anytime. It may take me a while to answer but I will answer.
prayers and hugs

ALF = Assisted Living Facility
SNF= Skilled Nursing Facility
LTC = Long term care
NH = Nursing Home
TCU = Transitional Care Unit
LO = Loved One (the people we are caring for)

I don't want to sound dumb, but could someone please tell me what ALF stands for? I would sure appreciate it. I can sure relate to a lot of you guys are saying. It kinds sux sometimes as some people just don't understand. It is also very discouraging when your mother cannot walk and kind of in a state of denial or disbelief about it...not very funny at all lately. My father has also just gotten out of the hospital and I was too emotional to make it there when the ambulance left and some of my nosey neighbors would mind their own business like we do it would be nice.

BTW...Austin is a smart cookie. Try what she suggested. Take a little control back even if it's in small ways. It'll make you feel better and stronger. Lilliput too has good advice and Jeangibbs.
Sosad....I have three brothers too and no sisters. Brothers are mostly helpless unless their wives want to help out. Mine don't. I also have three sons and no daughters. Same situation. Daughters-in-law too busy to help and are certainly not going to wipe their grandmother-in-law's rear end. I'm it, period. Or Nursing home. I just can't do that yet. I'll keep holding on as long as I can. But I'll take all the help I can get. Thank goodness for Hospice! Hope you find help.

I feel for you in your situation. I lost myself 11 yrs ago when I remarried. Six months into my new marriage I realized my husband has major depression. It was quite a struggle to get him to a doctor as he didn't believe it was depressed. He was just tired. He would sleep 48 hrs straight. My caregiving started then. I was a business broker and making a pretty good living so he just stayed home for days on end. He is self employed and only works when he wants to. Now his diagnosis has increased to major depression with panic disorder. Also now my company folded with the crappy economy and I lost my job...also now I've had to take in my mother who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and adult failure to thrive. Me? Who knows where I went...I'm not in my body anymore. Now I'm on antidepressants just to survive. I love them both dearly, but I fantisize about running away all the time. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope tomorrow will be a better day. This weekend for the first time I will put my mom in a respite home for 5 days. I'm stressing out about that. She will think I've abandoned her. But I've been sick myself now for almost a week and don't seem to be getting better. I have to have a break or I won't be able to continue. Thank God there are resources out there to help us. Look for them. I had to have help. Hospice comes 5 days a week to bathe and dress her. The aide comes at 6:30am so I can never sleep late. That hurts when you have to be up half the nite too. Once or twice a week the nurse comes to check her vitals. Social worker checks in with me from time to time. It was she who suggested the respite. I was crying so hard I could hardly talk to her. I look forward to next week being better after I get this break. Take advantage of whatever you can find. If you have to decide on an ALF or even NH don't beat yourself up too much(easier said than done). Everyone's different. Some can do this job of caretaking and others just can't. Doesn't mean you're weak, just means at this time in your life with all that's going on, you just can't take on another job. And it is a job. Mine is full time. If yours is not yet, great, but it will be one day. They are not getting younger or in better health. If you are the caregiver now, you probably will be later too. Unless your sister steps up to the plate and takes mom in. A start up business is incredibly time consuming and back breaking. I salute you for even taking on this challenge. Add a college age kid and a disabled child and health problems of your own and.....well...just sayin.....
I wish you well. I pray for all the caregivers who are struggling and fighting the fine fight to give or parents a happier life. Take care of yourself.

I found when I was caring for the husband any little thing I could do to give me more power was good sometimes I would make believe I did not hear his bellowing for attention and wait maybe 5 mins to ask what he needed now made me feel more in control and I stopped feeling bad whe he got angery-when he was really angery he could do things for himself it was amazing how the anger made him able to do things he should have been doing and when he was mad about anything he would give me a little break-the sky did not fall down if I made him wait a few min, for attention-so any thing however small that makes you feel more in control is good-I had to tell myself often I did not deserve to be treated badly and that helped me-think of the thing that really gets to you and think how you can change that one thing and do it and soon you will feel more in control.

OMG I so sympathize with your situation. I have been a caregiver to some extent for the last ten years. for the past year, the caregiving has been over the top demanding. I have two teenagers, a husband that travels 4 days of the week, dogs, a full time job, and an elderly person with continuously growing needs in emotional, mental, and physical ways. I am at my wits end and don't know how much more I can keep this up. I have three brothers, all of whom do not live nearby. It's just too much sometimes

Of course you are depressed, tired, and discouraged. Good heavens, look at all that is going on in your life right now! For some of us, just the hormonal changes of menopause are enough to cause depression, without any situational triggers. I had post partum depression after each childbirth and menopausal depression as well. I can really relate to your question. I don't think people who have never been clinically depressed would understand that what we are looking for is not a happy pill or a fix -- it is to return to our "real" self! When I've been depressed I feel like, "Who is this imposter who is using my body?"

I think that Lilliput has given you some very practical action items. But if you are depressed, if you are "not me," then I think that is what you need to address first. You can probably get your PCP to prescribe an antidepressant, but I recommend against that. Instead I suggest seeing a specialist (probably a psychiatrist at a mental health clinic) who will do a thorough evaluation and probably prescribe either a drug or therapy or both. This is like having diabetes -- you may need both a medication and education about things to do. Once the "real me" is back in place you will be in a much better position to take the actions needed to improve your caregiving role. You may have to go outside of your small town to do this, and you may have to wait more than you'd like to to get an appointment, and all this is a hassle while you are a caregiver and mother and business owner, but it really is important to get back to "me." It is the foundation of everything else you need to and want to do.

Best wishes to you, and keep us informed of your progress.

For me, from the moment I started caregiving I lost a sense of self. Friends scatter and family looks the other way but are quick to criticize.

The next time your sis and her hub starts to complain, tell them that you would love it if they would come for a visit and try out their theories of caregiving. Then you can take a vacation. If sis becomes disrespectful on the phone, tell her politely that her comments are not helpful and that if she cannot "get with the program" you do not have time in your busy day to listen to her. Do this everytime. You are giving her your valuable time and she sees it a power trip. Trust me they do not care about your mom...most are looking after their inheritance, etc...

Right now, start looking for alternative living situations for both your mom and mil. Start conversations about how you are only one person and that at some point you will have to look into more appropriate environments for both. You also have a big responsibility to your child and family and your health is being impacted. If you start the conversation now, before everything becomes critical, you are laying the ground work for the future and it is respectful to your family members.
The one big thing I learned is that caregivers are giving by nature but we are terrible at taking care of ourselves. NO ONE will do that for you. If you collapsed tomorrow everyone would survive and find someone else to do the work for them. Do not let guilt be your guide...that's deadly.
Start today by calling ALFs and scheduling visits. Gather brochures and start the conversation with the fam. If others want to be responsible for Mom and the mil - great. If not, you have your own plan. (btw, hub needs to talk to his own family about pitching in with the mil.)
good luck