In 2021, my sister and I made our mother go see a doctor. She always refused to go, but we knew she had health problems. She was a heavy smoker and ate terribly — fatty, salty, sugary foods. He sent her straight to the ER.
She was in for two weeks — had a heart attack, needed a stent, diagnosed with COPD, CHF, high blood pressure,anemia, thyroid problems, gastritis. I figured once she recuperated, she would go back to mostly taking care of herself since she was always independent. Wrong. She basically became a shut-in and I became her caregiver.
I felt bad that she couldn't go anywhere, but she was on oxygen 24/7 and she had some trouble walking. I needed help getting her to the car; I couldn't do it myself. I have one sister, but she helped rarely. She would come to help take her to doctors appointments, so that's basically the only time she left the house.
I became depressed. I felt isolated, helpless, lots of negative emotions. Then in 2023, my boyfriend of 7 years decided to move 4 states away. Apparently I wasn't giving him enough time and attention. I felt much worse now. I felt really all alone and burnt out. I got counseling, but it never made me feel any better. I know my personality has changed; I have zero patience, I get angry quickly, I lose my temper easily.
My mom never listens to the doctors or to me. Taking care of her feels like I'm trying to fill a bucket and she keeps putting holes in it. She's supposed to watch her salt, elevate her legs, walk around. She does none of these things. I never give her salt, yet I found she had a salt shaker hidden. She definitely had to quit smoking, but I found a pack of cigarettes. You get the picture. So when I find things like that or if I'm stressed or overwhelmed or tired, sometimes I can't control my temper and I blow up at her. Then I feel guilty and beat myself up.
I have to do it all — work, take care of her and the animals, do all the housework, pay all the bills, etc. I don't have much free time. I feel guilty for not spending quality time with her but sometimes I just need an hour to decompress.
Currently she is in the hospital because she's filled up with fluid again. But she seems to be declining mentally and seems to be giving up. My question is, did I contribute to or cause her to decline because I yelled at her, didn't spend enough time with her, or perhaps made her feel unwanted? When I lose my temper, sometimes I say I don't want to be a caregiver anymore or things to that effect. Then I feel bad. Caregiving is not for me though. Yet I don't want to put her in a home.
Any advice is welcomed. Thank you.
Then there's the issue of who these outside helpers are. Truth be told they're just ordinary people with no nursing or behavioral medicine skill, and aren't equipped with ability or financial motivation to get your mother to listen any better than you are. Most of them make $12/hr if they're lucky and the agency for whom they work keeps the rest.
It's definitely time I say that I could be wrong. Perhaps your mother is so totally disabled she'll qualify for more Medicare covered help than I've ever seen. Also, there's the slim chance she'll respond well to her helpers and behave herself, but I think you might be getting my drift anyway.
I think you'll resolve your only option, after exploring the red tape of seeking home visitors, is to put your mother in a home. The type of home will depend on her income/assets. In some cases the facility takes only her social security monthly pay for her to remain there. If you don't want that for your mother, reality will probably be you and your siblings will have to provide at least 80% of her care for possibly years.
I wish you luck, and apologize for my bluntness, but I've been through this all twice and know all too well the headaches of getting what little help I could from outside sources. Keeping my fingers crossed your situation will be different than mine.
To address your guilty feelings, "NO", I don't think you contributed to your mother's decline. People, like your mother who live in denial, simply aren't prepared to be faced with the truth when it hits. Her truth is that she never took care of herself for whatever reasons, and now she must make changes to survive. She's mad at her situation and may even bargain with anyone she can to not make the changes in her self-care she's recently been prescribed. Denial, bargaining, and manipulation are natural responses for her after spending so many years serving only her own needs. I'm sure this is very hard for her too.
My advice for your sanity: Stop trying to fix mom's bad habits! It will only frustrate you and her! She's not going to change. And don't feel guilty for not spending more quality time with her! Let her choose how to live (and die). I'm sure she knows her health habits will shorten her life. You also don't have to listen to her complaints. Let her phone a friend. If she has one. And if she doesn't, that is not your fault either!
It's ok to focus on your own health, your sanity, and your own life! She has lived hers and is continuing to make her own choices. She's not going to be there to take care of you. Be your own care giver!
Caregiving is so stressful and exhausting and though you feel awful about losing your temper, it sort of comes with the territory. Once you make a decision about homecare vs healthcare facility, you'll feel a bit better. Remember, though no decision has to be permanent. You'll go with the flow for that week, day, etc.
Wishing you luck and sending you hugs.
They will do laundry and everyday housework, prepare meals, drive her to appointments, bathe her, change sheets, etc. If more medical things are needed, like medications, catheters, or wheelchairs, that is usually a different level of help but also available through Medicare.
I wish doctors' offices were more aware of caregiver burnout and had referrals to the available help. Ask questions. Ask for help. Nobody is Superwoman. If you were Superwoman, I would suggest fly away to Hawaii for a 6 month vacation.
You can also get paid for home healthcare, but I suggest you get others to do it at this point. It sounds like you need a nurse, too. Good luck. You are a good daughter, but you need to have a life, too.
Don’t blame yourself for your mom’s poor choices. How old is your mom? Do you have POA? It seems she was functioning better before her doctor visit, so maybe the 2 week hospitalization did her in. Did she go to a rehab or get any services (visiting nurse, PT, OT) at home? If she is not interested in trying to improve, as others suggested, maybe it's time for a talk about her wishes...live how she likes or living longer. If such a conversation would be hard for you, maybe you can have the hospital social worker talk to her. If she can go from the hospital to rehab, it could be a nice break for you...but it could be short if she doesn't try to improve (PT, OT, etc). If she qualifies for hospice, you would both have access to a social worker and respite care (5 days I believe).
Ask yourself, why don't you want to put her in a home?
Nursing Homes are not the way they used to be in the past. With more and more people living longer, Facilities for Edlerly health care have changed. Edlerly people are encourage to thrive, not just survive.
Caring for a loved one looks different for each person based on their personal circumstances, but there are more options than before including financial resources.
ok - your mother is in hospital now so its time to have the serious conversations - ask to speak to hospital social worker or doctors even about care for your mother. Your update you can no longer cope. If no one helps speak to your mothers actual doctor.
Time for your mother to go into full time care. You have reached the limit of what you can cope with and you have made all the sacrifices you can. Time for your life now. You need to respect yourself as well and that you also deserve a life. You can still visit your mother.
As for did you contribute - no. The health issues were there simmering. Of course it may have been more helpful for you to walk out of the room when you felt angry - but it hasnt given your mother health issues.
They were already in her body.
Mother in care is your priority now and get on with your own life. One point. Caring for someone will allow you to see who around you supports and cares enough for you. Your partner packed and left. If you were to get back bear that in mind incase one day you got unwell - would he up and go when YOU needed support as well. As we grow older sometimes our needs change and that of our support system around us. Join a hobby club - meet new people and get on with your life after youve had a rest. Best wishes to a fresh and positive start for you.
Spending 6 hours a day with her while she's in rehab means that you aren't doing anything for yourself.
Please consider allowing others to take on the main burden of your wife's care, so that your life can continue and that you don't completely join your wife in her limited world. It wouldn't mean you don't love her, but that you're choosing to live as a man who does not have dementia.
Wishing you all the best.
Your mother’s situation is not your fault, so you can stop the guilt trap NOW to save your own life. Your mother refuses to listen to her doctors and her daughter: You! You can walk away to freedom and have some fun! AL facility is the next stop for your self-centered mother.
Yes, your Mom might be headed to wrong way healthwise. However, as you pointed out, she won't follow the doctor's instructions either and it is not entirely up to you to ensure she follows doctors orders, especially if she doesn't want to.
Your zero patience, get angry quickly and lose temper easily is because you are past the point of burnout.
I suspect she is in the throes of depression herself. Her habits are indicative of someone who is trying to escape or cope with something in their life.
I suggest you go to counselling to help you deal with what is happening with you. You cannot save someone who doesn't want to save themselves, however, you can save yourself...and I think you need help to put your situation in perspective so that you can accept whatever your Mom decides to do.
In saving yourself and getting help for yourself, you will be better able to help your Mom.
Yes becoming our parents parent is really tough and navigating it is even tougher but, if you’re at your wits end then an alternative is the answer( nursing home, assistant living, hire a caregiver and limit or end your portion of care giving)… if you do not change something… you’ll be spinning in circle( bitter and angry) better sooner than later!
You deserve to be happy and if happiness is not available then content and at peace should be second choice.
Wishing you the best outcome❤️🩹
However, you are causing your own poor health and wellbeing by taking on too much.
You must stop being your mum's hands-on caregiver; you need to reclaim your life.
Please don't take your mum back home from the hospital. Arrange for her to go into care. It's too much for you to do.
It will be better for both of you if you become your mum's daughter again, instead of her carer.
Wishing you all the best.
Know that you cannot 'make' your mother do anything.
You need to realize that you are not responsible for decisions she makes.
You cannot do it all and beyond that, you need to realize that you must set boundaries with your time and be realistic about your abilities.
You are very fragile now.
See a therapist.
Talk to a social worker at the hospital.
You must learn to love yourself.
Know what you can and cannot do - for another.
If you decide to NOT put her in a home, then you are making a decision to care for her or find another way. This is your decision. However you decide, forgive yourself for EVERYTHING.
It will serve you to 'stop' the psychological and emotional torture you are pulling yourself through. You could have a breakdown. Really. Get some support from a professional. You need to stop 'spinning' these thoughts as they are 'what its' and the 'shoulds' 'should haves.' No. Stop this stinking thinking.
You deserve to be a whole functional person.
It is understandable you lose your temper. You are not setting limits or boundaries on your time or abilities and you (appear to be) are running on empty.
Stop. Let your mother do as she wishes. If you decide to keep going as things are, this is your decision. You cannot have it both ways. She either gets the care she needs - and you get yourself back to 'you' --- or you keep this negative, self-destructive cycle going. And, you will not be of any use to your mother when you are so burnt out, you cannot even think. You sound like you are there already.
If she goes to a nursing home, be grateful there is still one available. Things are changing so fast with our government decision makers now ... we do not know how things will change - for all of us.
Take care of YOU. You matter.
Deal with the guilt and crap in therapy. That is what it is for. Learn to love yourself. Guilt is awful to feel. Yet, it is also a warning signal to you - process it - deal with it - find out who you are inside.
I believe most of how and what you say is triggered from life-long patterns of thinking / behaving ... based on the relationship you had with your mom as a child. Learning to love yourself is the most important 'job' you can have in your lifetime. Learning who you are. And realize what will be will be. You can do so much and then you must LET GO and let the universe take over ... in this situation, that could mean a nursing home or at the very least, you getting out of your own way and allowing your mom to be cared for as she needs.
Gena / Touch Matters
No you absolutely did not contribute to Mom's decline. It sounds like she has a lot of health issues and you have done all that you could do.
(you sound so much like me that i had to check to see if i had written this post. i have asked myself the same question too)
i am also not cut out to be a caregiver and am struggling to look after my mom who does not have the health issues your mom has but wants me to do everything and do all the thinking all the time and it is exhausting.
everyones advice is fantastic so take it all to heart and do whats best for yourself and your mom. (and i will do the same) take care 💕
I will say, just as others did, that you are not responsible for your mom's decline. Between choices your mom made over the years and just the natural circumstances of aging, I don't think you can expect your mom's health to improve. It is time to consider a better place for mom, as well as a better life situation for yourself. I hope you can get mom placed in a nursing home so you can once again be her daughter and not her caregiver.
Why is this not a good time for her to be transitioned from hospital to care home? Especially if she is declining? What will happen when you can no longer take care of her ever-increasing needs?
Do some soul searching and figure out why you are so hesitant.
Perhaps a temporary stay in a nursing home for Rehab will help give you time to figure out a more permanent solution. You know, any nursing home stay doesn't have to be permanent. You can take her out any time if it is not suiting her or you!
If you still feel that she should be back home, don't look to any siblings to step in and relieve you. Hire (with mom's money) caregivers to come to her home.
If she can't afford it, make a call to medicaid and help her apply.
You need a break! You would be better to her as a daughter, not as her sole caregiver. If you do find a nice nursing home for her, you can visit and spend time as often as you want. She will see you in a better mood, and with more energy for her than you currently have.
As it is right now your mother is in the hospital and you need to think about whether it’s really for the best to bring her home. If you bring her home and she doesn’t change her ways, you will be in the same boat you are in now.
You can acknowledge that you’ve done everything you could to help her and let the hospital know that she would be an unsafe discharge. You could bring her home and stop policing her bad habits. Let go of any guilt you are having and really think about what your next steps are for you and your mom.
Please stop beating yourself up!!!
Everyone dies, life is short and if you mom isn't interested in living her life the way you want her to live it, maybe just let her do what she wants and you put your life back together and be kind to yourself and care for yourself. You can really only control you, so just let her go.
You didn't create this situation, mom did. But if you continue trying to reform her, you'll continue losing your temper which will cause you to feel guilt and remorse. Change that dynamic right away. Mom has ALREADY killed herself with her lifestyle choices and you cannot do a single thing to change that. So leave her be. Then you can be friendly again and chat about old times before she dies. You won't have guilt to deal with, knowing you tried to help but she dug her own grave with her knife, fork and cigarettes. You won't look back with regret on arguments but a smile on your face about the nice chats you 2 had in her last days. And again, if you can't do that, place her. Ditch the "home" stigma and realize she's better off in managed care than in your home being yelled at for living out her last days as she wishes.
Accept mom as she is and know that she lived life on HER terms, which isn't such a bad thing.
Your mother's unhealthy lifestyle and asinine stubbornness is what paved the way for the condition she's in now.
Did you make her to smoke?
Did you make her to eat bad?
Did you make her to remain on her backside and not walk around or exercize like she was supposed to?
Did you make her to become a shut-in?
The answer to these questions is a hard NO. You didn't do anything wrong. Is it your fault that you're like the other 99% of the population who has to earn a living? Too bad that you can't sit with your mother every day entertaining her so she doesn't get bored. You do enough for her and she should probably be in assisted living now or get a paid caregiver.
Your mother and my mother sound very alike. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now am in the business end of it. I was a care slave to my mother for some time too, and then I just had to stop. My patience level with the elderly even though I have years of experience is zero. It is negative zero with my own mother and her games. So I get it. I totally get where you're coming from because I've been there. My mother was given a choice. Either make it work with homecare or it's a nursing home. She's making it work with homecare.
You have to lay down the law with your mother and that law is paid help is coming in because you can't do it all anymore.
If she's just 'giving up' the only person who makes that decision is her. Don't let her weaponize her neediness as a way to manipulate you back into being her care-slave.
I learned some very valuable things being a caregiver for so many years. One of them is that any level of independence must be preserved. If a person can do anything for themselves, they must be forced to. Even if it's easier for you to do it. NEVER baby an adult or cater to fussiness. That doesn't do anyone any favors. All that does is strip a person of whatever small level of independence they still have.
Good luck to you and please for your sake bring in outside help for your mother or put her in AL. If she fights you on it, give her the same choice my mother was given. You are no longer the care option.
You got some horrible advice from the others, and mine is probably be horrible as well. Here goes…
First, stand quietly in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye, and give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Forgive yourself for everything you feel you've done bad, wrong or against your mother's wishes. All you did was what you thought was the right thing to do.
Then, while you're still standing in front of the mirror, acknowledge yourself for all the love, time, work, effort, caring and sacrifice you've endured. You may not want to be a caregiver, but you are a hero - bordering on saint - even if it doesn't feel that way.
Next, it's not too late to have the conversation with your mother that I believe all children should have with their parents. “Mom, are you quality of life or quantity of life?” (We probably already know her answer), and then, “What does that look like?”
For my mother, it was Lou Milnati's (Chicago style) pizza every week and a pack of Newports every day. She wanted her celebration of life party before she died, and she wanted to fight as long as possible. She wasn't giving up on life, and she wasn't giving up on living. She died knowing she was loved, acknowledged, respected and cared for. What more could a person ask for? For everyone who loved her, we felt grief but not regret.
You didn't say how old your mother is or what her life expectancy is, but regardless, when she comes home from the hospital, help her be a “quality of life gal," regardless of what that looks like. Instead of being miserable as her caregiver, you might find a new level of joy and happiness for yourself as her companion.
Best wishes to you and mom!
(Can't wait to hear what the naysayers say...)
The fact is that your mother has CHF. She likely would have developed his at end of life no matter cupcakes, and perhaps even cigarettes. We have hearts. They are merely pumps. And when the pump fails it cannot clear the fluids that need clearing.
You haven't told us how old Mom is, but the fact is that she is dying and has a failing pump that cannot be cured. It can only be treated. As you observe, she didn't work hard to keep her body well. ARE YOU? She has underlying conditions that complicate things and she is exhausted with it now.
Without your loving care (yes, those who love one another OFTEN are capable of yelling at one another in frustration) she likely would already be dead. She is struggling along now.
This is the time to speak with mom. Ask her if she is exhausted with the fight and if she would like Hospice and "the good medications". Ask the doctor if now is the appropriate time. Interview Hospice with your mother. Discuss this now with Social workers where Mom is a patient.
I am sorry for your grief, but no matter you jump on a parent's burning funeral pyre, you cannot in the end save them. And as to yelling? It's a kind of hubris to expect yourself to have godlike or saintlike calm, isn't it? You aren't God and aren't a Saint. You are a flawed human being, just like me. Just like all of us. Guilt means you CAUSED something. You didn't. And you can't fix it. So guilt is out of the question. You are now steeped in grief, and pain, and loss. Your mother's loss and your OWN, and you have a right to mourn all those losses. So stick with the "other g-word", grief.
I am so sorry for all the pain.
It’s not just a simple let her do what she wants and be a fun companion for her as suggested by Goldstar . This situation is past that point .
Be aware OP that hospice only comes to the house a few hours a week . A nurse comes once a week to check her , for maybe an hour . An aide comes a few days for bathing and changing bedding . The mother load of her care would still be on you , unless hired help came in .
My father went to SNF ( skilled nursing facility ) on “ comfort care “ where they did everything for him .