My father has never allowed anyone access to all of his money because of his spending problems. He says the smallest mention of his health makes him depressed and he is refused to talk about it. He has also had a recent stroke and has heart problems. I don't want to wait to have this discussion. I live 6 hours away so it takes some planning to have the conversations one on one. Help please
I finally figured out it that if my husband asks he is much more receptive. He loves my husband . So does my Mom. They love him soooo much it makes me mad! Before all the illness I once accused them of loving him more than me and they very feebly denied it!!! Actually it is great that they love him, I am glad. But it is to the point that my sister's husband has dreams where my parents are doting on my husband and then throwing batteries at him-seriously he said he dreamt that!)
With Dad I think he is just old fashioned. He trusts a man more. When we visit my husband stays up after I go to bed with our daughter and they have Manhattens on the patio and they talk like they are best friends. This is unusal as my Dad is usually very taciturn. Soooo-I am using this. I have my husband sneak in concerns of ours while they are talking. My Dad just loves to talk and talk to my husband about his days working and traveling. He has many many great stories ( too bad I hear most of them second hand). My husband really enjoys them. When there is a lull in the conversation that is when my husband will say things like. "Dad, you know your daughter. She is such a worrier. She just gets so worked up. She has it in her head that Mom should have a wheel chair"or whatever it is I am worried about. And sure enough Mom gets a wheel chair( one she has been asking for for awhile!!). When my Mom and I say she needs a wheel chair he refuses. But, my husband is in sales. And he is good. He knows how to sell an idea. And he truly does love my Dad and cares about him and my Mom. That comes across as well.
Just yesterday I had him call my Dad. I had been worrying myself sick about approaching the subject of me going to my Mom's neurology appointment. I just knew if I suggested it Dad would take it as he is not doing a good enough job and I want to check on him. ( and this is sorta true). I avoided talking to them all week because of this. Finally I told my husband how upset I was and he suggested that he call---doh!--- of course!!! Guess what?!?! Dad is thrilled!! He is so excited that I am going to take Mom and he can go on a mini trip-a two day trip-to get out. My husband is a genius!!! I don't know how he does it. I was going to say the exact same thing-"Dad , go on a trip I"ll take Mom to the doctor". But I just know he would have said I was crazy to even suggest such a thing.
ANYHOO- just thought I would share. I am so relieved and happy today that I get to FINALLY see my Mom's neurologist. Just try different tactics. Don't give up. Maybe I should rent out my husband as an advocate to care givers!!!! He can bring his own Manhattens and cigars and sell them on whatever it is the cagiver needs. Not a bad idea actually!!
Dad's stock broker suggested that we talk with a trust attorney. If you can find a good trust attorney and set up a meeting with your Father, then the person offering him options is a non-interested third party. An attorney costs a little bit, but I've found every penny has been worthwhile. When Dad started making bad decisions, the guidelines were all in place. This made decisions much easier, because they were outlined in the trust that HE had put in place. Also, I always keep money (an amount he can afford to lose) in an account (with an attached debit/ credit card) that Dad can access freely so he does not feel that he has to ask for permission to make purchases. One of the keys in our case was to always give choices and to allow Dad to keep as much freedom as he can afford.
As a side note, this freedom cost Dad several thousand dollars. There are many people with hard luck stories, relatives and strangers, who Dad "helped" with cash gifts ($75 - $300 at a time). My approach is not a complete lock down of his funds, but it means that someone can't get more money from him than he can afford to lose. I am more interested in protecting him from major losses while allowing him to have some autonomy.
I was met with the surprise of my life. My brother knew what they had but I was not allowed to know. Mom lied to my brother and told him I wanted money from them and was not be trusted. That was funny since my husband and I were very well off financially.And we are very, very financially responsible. My brother passed along the little lie and for a while acted like he thought she was a bit goofy. Meanwhile, dad passed away.
Nothing was done for mom and she was 78 at the time. So I kept asking and telling her "Mom you really need to have a financial POA and a medical POA". She told me my brother was all of this and I suggested she put me on as an alternate in case my brother died. I didn't want to have to get guardianship if my brother should die.
She refused, and refused, and refused. Then the lies got bigger and nastier. And here we are over five years later. Mom just last August had the POA's done, and she never had one to start with and she wanted my nephew as alternate, not me her daughter. Now it is a point of being stubborn and not doing anything she doesn't want to do. And none of us are even talking to each other. There has been deep damage done that will never go away. If I could do it over, I would say nothing and if my brother dies, oh well, the state will run her affairs.
In the end we can only offer to help them. I do think some of our parents are mentally ill or have personality disorders. Know your father and ask yourself if it is worth it, will he think you are interested in his money or trying to control him.
I think in the end even the hardest cases come around unless, like my mother, they are mental unbalanced. Good luck to you.
"Dad, I would like you to let me do this for you."
"Dad, I think we share similar viewpoints on this. Let's discuss it."
"Dad, my first priority is to always make sure you are ok. What can I do for you in the future to make sure you are ok?"
I know these phrases sound simple and dumb but this really worked with my dad. As long as my dad was able to feel as if he still had control our discussions went better. And my dad thinking that HE was helping ME made it easier for him as well.
Good luck!