
With the holidays coming up, I am in the awkward position of perhaps seeing my two sisters and their families. And it has me thinking about the future--after my parents have passed. Both my sisters have always contributed minimally to the care of my parents. In trying to accept this fact, emotionally I have moved from disappointment to resentment, and now from resentment to anger. I have seen a therapist for the past year trying to sort out my feelings about being "abandoned" by my sisters to care for and make decisions for my parents, with only my patient husband to partner with me.
There has been little to no communication between my sisters and me, and they don't ever offer to help, ask if mom and dad need anything, or just call to check in on how I am doing. In fact, my middle sister did say (via text) that she expects me to reach out to our youngest sister (who I haven't spoken to since July), because "it can't be" that the sisters don't get along. I told her, "oh, it be!" I love and miss my sisters, but I've also been very hurt by their behavior. Ignoring my parents has morphed into ignoring me and my family too.
What I want to know is will family bonds regenerate after my parents pass? In your experience, can family members reunite after caregiving ends? Do caregivers forgive and forget?
The global "do caregivers forgive and forget" doesn't really matter.
This is not a global experience.
Every family, every person is different.
Every situation is different.
You are looking for hope in that it seems if you get many 'affirmatives' here "Oh, yes, caregivers do forgive" that you will feel better thinking (or hoping) that this will 'happen' to you/r family dynamics too.
Be clear on why you are asking the question(s) as you do.
What do you really want to ask us?
Is it that you are afraid, sadness, grief stricken that your family (sisters) WON'T have a change of heart to mend family differences?
It appears to me that you 'think' or want to know if other families have changed 'back' after a parent dies? You want to know how the family dynamics change. And, again, this is an individual situation and 'no one size fits all' - everyone and every family is unique with their own set(s) of interactions, pain, concern, care - and ultimately is your FAMILY DYNAMICS / HISTORY.
If I were you, instead of focusing on the future and the 'what ifs' after your parents pass is how you are managing yourself and your relationships now with your siblings. There is no magic wand after a parent dies in terms of how members of the family change - some might in ways of unification and some won't.
What really matters is you dealing with your own feelings about what is / has happened and how you --- NOW --- communicate with your siblings (if you do so now), and - most importantly - how you decide --- NOW --- to let go of what you have absolutely no control over which is another's behavior, thought processes.
You do what you can to 'clean up' your unfinished business with them; have a clean slate - and the rest is up to them.
What you do not want to do is W A I T with anticipation. Because you are then not living in present time / presence. I would encourage you to accept what is, do what you can and learn HOW TO let it go. It is a loss to you (absolutely). It hurts (yes it does, and deeply). However, you need to live the quality of your life as you want and deserve, with or without your siblings' support / love / care.
It appears to me that your sisters have been very clear with you: "there has been little to no communication between my sisters and me ... they don't ever offer to help ... etc. This is your answer.
I want you to have hope as well as be realistic and not have your head in the sand. Feel the pain, disappointment, loss (as I presume you are doing in therapy) and find ways to move on / through. Your therapist should be able to help you make a day-to-day plan of living.
While I do not know the financial situation, I hope that you hire caregivers as you need to - to help you help you with your parents' needs, since it sounds like your siblings do not contribute at all.
Take good care of yourself,
Gena / Touch Matters
I haven’t spoken to my only sibling since 2016 because of what he did to myself, my family & my mom while she was alive.
Some relationships are just too toxic and you’re better off without them in your life. I know I am.
I'll also never feel the same way about my family.