Do caregivers forgive and forget?
With the holidays coming up, I am in the awkward position of perhaps seeing my two sisters and their families. And it has me thinking about the future--after my parents have passed. Both my sisters have always contributed minimally to the care of my parents. In trying to accept this fact, emotionally I have moved from disappointment to resentment, and now from resentment to anger. I have seen a therapist for the past year trying to sort out my feelings about being "abandoned" by my sisters to care for and make decisions for my parents, with only my patient husband to partner with me.
There has been little to no communication between my sisters and me, and they don't ever offer to help, ask if mom and dad need anything, or just call to check in on how I am doing. In fact, my middle sister did say (via text) that she expects me to reach out to our youngest sister (who I haven't spoken to since July), because "it can't be" that the sisters don't get along. I told her, "oh, it be!" I love and miss my sisters, but I've also been very hurt by their behavior. Ignoring my parents has morphed into ignoring me and my family too.
What I want to know is will family bonds regenerate after my parents pass? In your experience, can family members reunite after caregiving ends? Do caregivers forgive and forget?
33 Answers
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You need to remember 2 things: you chose to do caregiving for your parents. Your sisters chose not to. Your parents could've, and still can, go into Assisted Living or hire in home caregivers rather than relying on you.
Secondly, you cannot make others give a darn about things. If your sisters don't give a darn about visiting their parents, that's on THEM, not you. You're feeling badly for your parents on their behalf, as if it's somehow a reflection on you that they don't come around? Let your grown parents take it up with their grown children instead.
You CAN reunite with your sisters if you stop expecting anything from them on behalf of your parents. Expectations breed resentments. If you feel overworked, cut down the time you spend with the folks and make other arrangements for them. Delivery of food, in home caregivers, laundry service, a housekeeper, etc. It's written nowhere that it's your job to do any of these tasks. Do only what you genuinely WANT to do w/o expecting reciprocity from your sisters. If you're able to do that, the anger and resentment will disappear and you'll revive those relationships with them.
Best of luck.
I don’t plan on having a relationship with mine when my father is finally gone. I realize that I don’t need or want my sisters in my life anymore. It’s too toxic.
I myself would not do hands on caregiving.
I think that you have far too many judgements about the sister's choices for themselves, and they are likely well aware of them (actually if you haven't been so honest as to speak to them that ALSO isn't right). I doubt there will be a whole lot of healing and communication.
People, even siblings, move, get on with their own lives and their own families, and sometimes meet for the "proverbial feast day" because it is somewhat an obligation.
If you would like after holidays to speak with your sisters why not reach out to them and ask if you can.
I would say something to this effect:
"I am well aware that I took on this caregiving role by choice; sometimes I can't even think WHY I did. I know you have a right to your own choices. Could you share with me why you aren't more active in helping me manage any of it? Is this about your relationship with our parents, or me, or just busy lives that don't really include them, us? Is there any way you would be willing to help at all with a little respite, some grocery shopping, an appointment? Anything? It would mean so much to me. Do feel free, after discussing this, to tell me no, but I hope you will also tell me WHY, so that I know".
That's it. A bit of honesty. The truth is that they may not much like their parents, or feel that they were GOOD parents. The other side to that coin is they simply don't CARE about any of you at all. If that's the case, why would you want a relationship with them going forward.
Blood may be thicker than water, and a bit more colorful, but it doesn't count for much other than that. It's just genes. Nothing else.
Good luck. Sorry. Have as good Holidays as you can.
I have reached out to my sisters in the past and have had many a difficult conversation. I'm well practiced in those by now.
I'm just so exhausted at always being the fixer. Always the one everyone expects to handle every family crisis, every family conflict. I know I'm able to smooth things over between the sisters, but at what cost to me?
A friend of mine (who has also been a caregiver) told me that she thinks I have more personal insight than my sisters. Makes me wonder why they can't tell the truth about why they won't help with my parents? If I've always been honest with them, why can't I expect them to be honest with me? with themselves?
When I told them I was seeing a therapist and how helpful I was finding the sessions, they scoffed at me and said they would never do the same. Again, no empathy. No compassion. No understanding. I guess if they can't show that to me, then how can I expect them to show it to my parents? Hmmm...can anyone say "breakthrough"?
I was CHOSEN by my mother to be the caregiver for my parents . The rift between myself and siblings started before the caregiving even started , due to my parents moving near me ( in their late 70’s) and leaving siblings behind in another state .
My parents followed soon after I had moved . Siblings felt my parents chose me over them in general . The fact was my mother groomed me from an early age to be their caregiver . She admitted she followed me so I could care for them .
I have accepted that it is what it is . Do I miss having more family ? Sometimes . Then I remember how I was treated by some of them because my parents decided to move near me . I can’t change what they believe .
Every family is different and each caregiving scenario is different . It’s up to you if you can get over being ignored . Personally for me , I know I’m better off .
I'm sad for the loss of the relationship with my sister which was for many decades very close.
I got a strong message from Mom post-death to work on forgiveness. I'm working on forgiveness now.
I think we will have a distant, surface relationship going forward.
My relationship with my sister will never be what it was. I was subjected to a lot of extreme irrational anger and rage over the 6 year period due to the unmedicated mental illness and I'm not going to put myself in close position in which I am threatened again.
Some will some won't. But try at least you can have a clear mind/heart about it.
First hand experience!
I'm surprised you are planning to see them for the holidays. It doesn't sound like it will be very pleasant.
Be at peace with your sisters. Not all siblings hang out and are close. and that is ok. If I'm being honest here, I used to think my family was perfect. Then my Dad got sick and passed and I saw how we sort of fell apart and became distant. Then Mom got sick during Covid and that was it and has been it ever since. We all have our own families and things to deal with. We see each other now and again and we are cordial but that is all and that is fine.
Don't get me wrong though it took me a few years to get to this place of peace. Just go back and read my first post. Give yourself grace and time because it does heal all wounds. As for whether or not my relationship will change with my sisters after Moms passed on, I don't think so. I will see them less I am sure and I'm ok with that. Life is too short to hold grudges and be angry. As others here have said it only hurts you.
best of luck to you!
I have asked God to forgive me for the resentment I felt towards them and I no longer have it, but I no longer reach out to them anymore since they don’t me.
I have not seen, nor spoken to my YS or YB in over a year. I have no plans to see them at the holidays or actually, ever. I talk to the other YB when I call HIM and my OS, same thing. She doesn't initiate.
My YS's son is getting married in Dec. we were invited to get them a gift, but were not invited to the wedding nor the reception. (I believe that's called an 'unvite').
To be the bigger person, I did send my nephew a nice chunk of change and wished him well.
We aren't mad at each other, rather, we're sick of each other. So much drama and role playing when mom was alive. YB had her living with his family in a separate apartment. 48 hrs after she passed, he had completely emptied her apartment down to the walls. He threw away EVERYTHING. Saved a few items that mom had specified for certain people.
I know mom is sad that this has happened, but I can't change it. I think my YB had a LOT of anger towards mom and has not worked through it.
I imagine I will see them at funerals and maybe a wedding or two, but the family bond we once had is totally gone. I don't think we're unusual in that.
You say that your sisters do not offer to help, do not ask if you or mom and dad need anything, or call just to check in on you.
Have YOU called THEM? To ask for help? To tell them what you need? Or just to check in on them?
Don't resent them for their lack of involvement only because you have chosen to be overly involved. You have taken on the burden of taking care of your parents.
Give only what you feel compelled to give for your parents. No one; not you, your patient husband, or your siblings need to do more.
And the resentment? It is unlikely to change. Unless your attitude about it changes. Let your sisters know what you want from them. Don't expect them to know or ask. And, if they are unwilling to give what you want or to care about your needs or your parents needs, go ahead and feel hurt! Be resentful! Be angry! Your feelings are valid! Having those feelings is only hurting you. But you are entitled to them. Don't expect any of that to change after your parents passing. It will likely bring out stronger emotions and more hurt. Try and heal before then.
I just wish that I would have had the diamonds to get drunk and told all of them to kiss where the sun don't shine and went on about my business. 😂 However, I was raised with the good daughter syndrome. I would have felt guilty and probably would have done something to sabotage my life. Wait a minute, I did. I married my second ex.
Yeah, I'm still mad almost forty years later. I'm still carrying that anger.
you know theres a cliche that says - holding onto resentment and grudges only hurts ourselves - drains our vital energy and keeps us from allowing positive into our lives, as we live holding onto the past and its hurts. It is actually true! Think about your suffering and how it doesnt seem to ever go away.
You need to release it. It doesnt mean you accept it. It means you say I forgive you and i release the hurt i carry. It has no more power over me. Also forgive yourself of past mistakes. They do not define you. You are carrying too much negative energy. It can only hurt you. Positive energy has the power to transform your mental and emotional state, and I think you will find when you allow this you will heal. Put the past to rest and move forward. To wait until the curtains come down on your parents is just loosing valuable time. Life is short - remember that. End of day if you lost any one of your family and thought about past situations would this matter - i think you'd prob say no and you want them back. Dont lose valuable time - life really is short. Mistakes are made - people are selfish - dont let it define you its done. You may need in future to establish clear boundaries with your family - what you will and wont accept. So maybe the future is to concentrate on your rights as well. If you feel it would help maybe to sit down with each and say i feel hurt that you didnt support me and i felt alone. Maybe releasing your feelings ina constructive way may help. I wish you best and hope you put the past into a box sealed so that you become free to enjoy life some more. Best.
Do you reach out to your sisters and say "Mom and dad need____________" (you fill in the blank) OR if you need help have you called or sent a group text and said "I have a doctor's appointment next week and mom would love to get her hair done can someone take mom to get her hair done?"
Many people say the would help but they just don't know exactly what to do. If you give a specific task the response might be different. And knowing there is a start and end to the task makes it easier to say yes to.
Now down to nitty gritty.
You can not expect others to change. You can change how you feel about the situation by changing your expectations.
If you expect no help from them then they have fulfilled your expectations. And if by some miracle they do help out then they have exceeded your expectations.
you ask if caregivers forgive and forget....
Let's get to the Forgive part. Nothing says you have to forget but you can't hold it against someone forever.
By not forgiving someone it does NOTHING to them what it does is hurt YOU.
You are the one that has this hurt building up each day. They go about their business and they are oblivious as to what you are feeling.
So do you want to live with hurt, resentment, anger or do you want to move on? The only one that can decide that is you.
(1) be able to let go of the emotions attached to the events, so that while I remember what happened, I no longer react to what happened
(2) not allow the past to damage future relationships, to move beyond the hurts and understand that the other party has their own issues to deal with as well
(3) realize that perhaps my story might help someone else move to a place of being able to fogive and move on.
@Anxietynacy
I hear that about the 'Golden Child'. It's usually the one who does nothing. My mother had one of her own my brother and several golden children that were nieces and nephews. They always came before I did. Yet, not one ever helped her with anything.
My youngest sister won't help at all and has cut off all communication with me. My middle sister (I am the oldest) helps by taking mom for a couple weeks every year but says that is all she can do. Granted her family has a lot of health challenges to deal with right now - so grace given.
Since I walked the path of forgiveness - and it can be a lengthy journey - I found that I had to work at it. I started by reading my Bible and asking God to show me how to forgive - a Christian counsellor is a good helper too! Then, I had to acknowledge the pain, how I was "wronged", my part in this situation, and then let go of it in order to let God handle His part. His part is about bringing justice usually through consequences. As I tell myself, "God has this and can handle justice better than I can," I find myself using up less mental energy thinking about "the wrong" and moving on with my life.
No, it's not about boundaries in cases like the OP's. The boundaries would be with the parents about how much they are willing to do and tolerate for them and from them.
They're keeping the caregiver sister at arm's length and even ignoring her because they don't want to be on the hook for any of the caregiving. That's not a boundary. That's a plain refusal. They would rather lose one of their siblings than take on some of the caregiving responsibility.
The most common reason why siblings ignore the caregiver sibling and keep them at arm's length is because they don't want to get caught in the caregiver net themselves. They don't want to have to say no either so they make sure the question of them helping doesn't get asked. Trust me my friend, they will say no if they have to. So many families are exactly where you are. Mom and dad are old and needy and need care. One of their adult children steps up. Then that person is totally responsible to maintain the status quo. You're taking care of everything and no one is going to interfere with that because no one wants to do it.
I myself became a 'designated caregiver' for my mother against my will. I happened to be "there" so it fell on me for a long time until one day I got up and left. You can do the same thing. My mother has homecare. The choices were make it work with homecare or you're on your own because I'm done. Or a nursing home.
You should confront your siblings in person. Tell them in plain speech that you are done with caregiving so there needs to be a new plan. So they will have to take over doing it or it will have to be homecare, or they move in with one of your siblings, or they go into LTC.
It is likely that your siblings will think you're bluffing and that you won't actually just stop taking care of your parents. That's why you have to. Your parents will might have to suffer for a little while for your siblings to understand that you mean business.
I don't know if you have your parents' POA. If you do, liquidate an asset or put your name on a bank account. This will surely get your siblings attention.
If you let yourself be treated like a doormat people will take advantage and treat you like one. Stand up for yourself. When you do your sisters will start having some respect for you, and when there's mutual respect that will start healing your relationship with your siblings. When there's no respect and it sounds like there is none now, there can be no relationship.
One sibling would help if I told him to on a specific, limited basis. One was zero. One was rare seldom calls to mom that would result in sister offering useless advice to me (“She’s just bored.” No, it was advanced dementia, of which you have no clue what is involved. “Hang in there!” “You got this!” Some of the more obnoxious useless phrases one can say.).
Through all that, yes, I had some resentments. THEN I saw a friend go through all those problems for parents with siblings who did come in to be involved, and I thanked the heavens that mine had stayed out of it!
Btw, in answer to some of your questions about whether I chose to manage my parents care or not: my mom wrote me a letter long ago (before her dementia diagnosis) stating her expectation of me to take care of her and my dad. I found it as I cleaned out their home readying for the sale. She knew in advance that dad would be helpless. She also said in the letter that she "hoped" my sisters would help. And no, despite my husband's urging, I never showed my sisters the letter.
My husband and I took on their care very gradually, first finances, then legally (DPOA, trust), health advocacy, and even making decisions for my grandmother (w/dementia) who was already in memory care. I planned grandma's funeral in 2022 as well as being at her bedside (alone) to say goodbye. My sisters didn't even visit then, and my mom never acknowledged her death.
And yes, I have asked for their help countless times, assigned specific tasks, updated them, organized zoom meetings, phonecalls, etc. They either outright refuse to do certain things, completely ignore my requests, make an excuse, or cancel at the last minute. I've given up asking for help, but I was still hoping for some empathy.
Now it is clear to me that I cannot expect any understanding or compassion from them. I had cancer surgery last year, and if they are aware of that and still expect me to always fix everything (including my relationship with them), then all I can do is surrender. It is just a shame.
It is painful to think how a dementia diagnosis can make a once happy family fall apart. But maybe there were cracks there already that I chose to ignore. Thank God for my husband, daughters, and grandbaby. I know I can still lean on them.
I myself would not be in the "forgiving line".
While I STILL think that you made your own choices WHATEVER your parents "expectations" may have been, and are responsible for them, and without power to help other siblings make their own decisions, I do think that you did the care.
I am not a Christian, but rather an atheist. So the whole "forgiveness thing" for me has nothing to do with any admonitions I must obey. I make my own decisions about who to forgive and what to forget.
If it were me, with these siblings, not willing to work with you or it would seem even to discuss helping a bit, I would not so much have it be for me a question of forgiveness. If there is a god then forgiveness is HIS/HERS to handle, not mine. It would simply be that I wouldn't care much for the siblings in any way. Not their past, not their present and certainly not their future.
I would go on and choose a family, make a family, join things I loved to do serving others and find that "Village" community. In fact there ARE village communities where people sign on to help one another, and thereby are helped when in need. And it is called "Village Communities.
You will make your OWN choices just as you already did.
And you have a wonderful hubby, daughter and grandbaby. There are so many who would just die for that and only that.
I surely do wish you good luck.
But I wouldn't be at the family reunion!