Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You don’t get to dictate how others live their lives. You may not like their choices but quite frankly your opinion doesn’t matter here. If caring for your parents is too much then stop. Or do just what you can and that is it. Don’t be angry at them for living a life different than yours.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
mom2mepil Nov 2024
I disagree with the statement, “Your opinion does not matter here.” It certainly DOES matter when MamaBearlyThere considers what her future relationship with her sisters will be like. Just like her sisters are free to choose not to participate in caregiving, MamaBearlyThere is free to choose whether or not to invest her energy in creating closer relationships. For me, I wholeheartedly agree that every adult is free to choose whether to give care or not (and how much), AND I am also free to factor my family members’ choices into how close I want to be with them in the future. I cannot control others’ choices (and don’t want to), but I can DEFINITELY control my own choices. While I have learned to release resentment (mostly), I have new understanding about what makes a relationship healthy for me and what does not.
(4)
Report
I think it is sad that you made these decisions for yourself, as an adult, yet feel you should make your sisters decisions FOR THEM as well. To be honest that is neither right nor fare.
I myself would not do hands on caregiving.
I think that you have far too many judgements about the sister's choices for themselves, and they are likely well aware of them (actually if you haven't been so honest as to speak to them that ALSO isn't right). I doubt there will be a whole lot of healing and communication.
People, even siblings, move, get on with their own lives and their own families, and sometimes meet for the "proverbial feast day" because it is somewhat an obligation.

If you would like after holidays to speak with your sisters why not reach out to them and ask if you can.
I would say something to this effect:
"I am well aware that I took on this caregiving role by choice; sometimes I can't even think WHY I did. I know you have a right to your own choices. Could you share with me why you aren't more active in helping me manage any of it? Is this about your relationship with our parents, or me, or just busy lives that don't really include them, us? Is there any way you would be willing to help at all with a little respite, some grocery shopping, an appointment? Anything? It would mean so much to me. Do feel free, after discussing this, to tell me no, but I hope you will also tell me WHY, so that I know".

That's it. A bit of honesty. The truth is that they may not much like their parents, or feel that they were GOOD parents. The other side to that coin is they simply don't CARE about any of you at all. If that's the case, why would you want a relationship with them going forward.

Blood may be thicker than water, and a bit more colorful, but it doesn't count for much other than that. It's just genes. Nothing else.
Good luck. Sorry. Have as good Holidays as you can.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
lealonnie1 Nov 2024
Peekie, so is it fair to say Alva speaking the truth hurts you and hit a sore spot? I see not one word of "standing on a soapbox, judgement or cruelty" coming from her post, not one.

And we're not the Grammar Police here, btw, so pointing out spelling errors is inappropriate. You may want to keep that in mind as a newcomer.
(3)
Report
See 4 more replies
No, I don't think so. I think the longer the estrangement goes on, the likelier it is to continue going on because a big gap has now been created between you.

You need to remember 2 things: you chose to do caregiving for your parents. Your sisters chose not to. Your parents could've, and still can, go into Assisted Living or hire in home caregivers rather than relying on you.

Secondly, you cannot make others give a darn about things. If your sisters don't give a darn about visiting their parents, that's on THEM, not you. You're feeling badly for your parents on their behalf, as if it's somehow a reflection on you that they don't come around? Let your grown parents take it up with their grown children instead.

You CAN reunite with your sisters if you stop expecting anything from them on behalf of your parents. Expectations breed resentments. If you feel overworked, cut down the time you spend with the folks and make other arrangements for them. Delivery of food, in home caregivers, laundry service, a housekeeper, etc. It's written nowhere that it's your job to do any of these tasks. Do only what you genuinely WANT to do w/o expecting reciprocity from your sisters. If you're able to do that, the anger and resentment will disappear and you'll revive those relationships with them.

Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Hothouseflower Nov 2024
Well said.

I don’t plan on having a relationship with mine when my father is finally gone. I realize that I don’t need or want my sisters in my life anymore. It’s too toxic.
(9)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter