My mil has been diagnosed with dementia for about 8-9 years now. But sometimes the way she acts I think she is playing us. She is so rude to my children to a point of telling them she hates them and swears at them but is so nice to her own children and her other grandkids. Why is she this way?? It’s so hard. Sometimes i want to swear at her too but I don’t and know I shouldn’t. It’s hard on my children. Any thoughts?
I found someone with Alzheimer's dementia, my mom, could act very differently toward different people. She would complain about most of her friends to me and tell me stories that were awful about them, and one she would say was slow. Yet there was one who could do no wrong. She started being very nasty toward me shortly after, but not my brother or my daughter. She also had issues with my SIL.
There were behavioral changes at least 10 years before her official diagnosis, but no one realized this could the starts of dementia developing. They now say that it starts well before people start showing signs of not being able to take care of finaces etc. Someone said it sounds like she's narcissistic, but I never noticed that when I was growing up. She and her boyfriend started pickong on each other, and would bicker nonstop (corroborated by others) in a group setting as if no one else was there They split up.
Then she started picking on me even more. She would say I had not visited in 10 years when in reality it was my brother who lived very far away who had not visited in that long.
She was negative and would complain she was very sad much of the time for over a decade. She refused to get help many times, and would tell her doctor she felt great. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease with behavioral component in 2019 she had become very nasty toward me, but not my brother. A friend who actually would call her, she would say nasty things about to me later. The friend who could do no wrong stopped calling even though said to me she missed her best friend. But my mom never said a bad word about her.
When my mom went into Memory Care was when they asked if I would okay a psychiatrist speaking with her. I said YES please, but to tell her she was being interviewed because if she knew he was a psychiatrist she would refuse seeing him. It worked. She was put on an anti-depressant and started to become nicer and nicer even with the Alzheimer's. There are times she had outbursts with caregivers, but it always prompted a psychiatrist visit and usually a change in medication.
We learned ways of speaking to someone with dementia on websites like alz.org. and also how to re-direct behaviors and conversations. To never correct because they really can't remember. To say I hadn't seen someone either and likely they were busy, even if I knew they were dead for years because she wouldn't remember and would keep reliving the sadness over and over again. Sometimes if they are really off to briefly step away, and then re-approach. There are many helps found on google search, it's so great.
I would not wish this disease on anyone. It changes our loved ones in ways they truly can't help, but we still need to love them and understand it's this horrible disease and not a way our loved one would ever want to be if they didn't have it.
Different things may work for different people, but hoping in some way my story may help you.
Wishing you the best in this journey. Have a blessed day.
1 - help people to learn to ignore her improper behavior
2 - allow people that she abuses verbally to distance themselves from her
If your children are old enough to understand these concepts, talk to them and allow them to make the choice.