My mother, who has BPD tendencies is in temporary in-patient senior rehabilitation b/c last week she fell in her bathroom and broke her ribs.
Background: 2 months ago, her doctor recommended she enter in-patient senior rehab to build the strength in her legs so she could go on living independently. (She’s only 70.) She refused his suggestion/wouldn’t even bring in in-home physical therapists (which he said wouldn’t be sufficient rehab, that she absolutely needed to be in-patient for at least two weeks). In that 8-week span her depression/migraines resulted in her needing me to call 911 for “failure to thrive,” not eating, drinking water, leaving her bed, etc. The social worker there put her on a 24-hour mental health hold as gravely disabled, then sent her to a 2-week program, which she talked her way out of in 2 days, aunt picked her up and shipped her back home here (her apartment). Then she fell and landed in ER 4 days later and ended up in the in-patient senior rehab.
Since she was on mental health hold we have not spoken b/c she attacked me for over sharing with the social worker at hospital and blames me for being held.
Anyways, tomorrow is her birthday, and I feel bad not dropping off a gift, but I really don’t want to establish a reason for communication.
Should I? Or should I stick to NC?
(BTW: the nursing facility knows that she she cannot come home with me and I will not take care of her.)
It's a win win all the way around.
Now is the time you talk to a SW about having her placed permanently. You Mom needs constant care where she is getting her meds and eating right. You need to tell them she is an "unsafe" discharge. Tell them to call her doctor. That the Aunt should not be allowed to take her home and then just drop her off. She needs 24/7 care that you are not willing to do because of childhood problems you had with her. Its OK that you need to keep your distance, so maybe it would be good to allow the State take over her care. A guardian will be set up to get her placed and make sure she is cared for. You can visit if you want knowing you aren't the one who is responsible for her care.
If you have not, then, certainly you should send a birthday greeting of some kind.
If you are breaking off your relationship with your Mom forever at this point, then do so formally, with a Licensed Social Worker at your side would be my advice.
Being in a relationship with someone this mentally ill and out of control is being able to accept that you cannot bring it under control. You have informed authorities that you are not /will not be responsible for her if I understand you. You should inform Mom of that as well, and if you are unable now to maintain ANY relationship with her she has a right to be informed of that by you as well' she will not then expect you to reach out on special occasions.
I can't remember if you have posted to us about your Mom before, Den, but if you did I surely already recommended to you the memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. Get it and read it if you have not. You will feel less alone. Liz S. tried for decades to help her mentally ill mom with the assist of the city and State of New York, all to no avail.
I'm so sorry for this suffering for you both. But you already know your mom's mental illness precludes any relationship that is a normal exchange of love and support. Get help for yourself if you need it and provide what understanding and love to your Mom that you are able without the sacrifice of your own life. My heart goes out to you.
Everyone likes presents.
And no matter what she says, doesn't say, when she receives it, deep down she'll be very happy to receive a present.
Her condition and behavior conflicts with what a child mother relationship should be, what you yearn for, and don't have.
You may still feel a need to apease a fantasy and do your part as a good child but it's a useless effort, and would sadly be an inflaming effort if you did.
Also, marking the occasion may satisfy a basic human need in you to make a sympathetic gesture because no one else may be celebrating her on her birthday.
Whatever you do will result negatively. Actually, I'm only reflecting your narrative.
Ordinarily I might say send a card saying that you're thinking of her and that you're sad that she is ill, BUT, she's gone and the situation is hopeless. You are obviously concerned and kept informed and this is within 100% of your ability and involvement.
You already came to answer when you said "I really don't want to establish a reason for communication". You're unfortunately very correct.
I wish your mom a miracle.
Enjoy your life.
This way you don't "feel bad" but you do not have to see her. (actually seeing her might disrupt any treatment that may have been working)
I might also ask what does her medical staff say? Would getting a gift from you help or hinder her progress?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-know-its-essentially-up-to-me-but-when-do-you-officially-estrange-yourself-from-a-mentally-ill-par-479865.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
My dear, I think you need to step back completely and let your mom deal with her abandonment issues.
My response in regards to this situation doesn’t mean that I don’t have empathy for everyone involved in this matter.
Of course, in the end, it is your decision to make.
I personally feel as if a gift should be something given from the heart out of love for that person. I’m not saying that you don’t care about your mother. I’m sure that you do want what is best for her.
Sorry if this is going to sound blunt but you don’t have, through absolutely no fault of your own, a healthy relationship with your mom. So, why give her a present?
Give her a present if you feel like you wish to bring her some form of joy, but don’t give it to her out of a sense of obligation to do so, especially if giving this gift will not be appreciated by her and will only cause you grief.
Above all, protect yourself. You matter equally. If your mom hasn’t treated you the way that you should have been treated as a daughter, due to her mental illness or not, you can still remember that you do have value in life. Cherish that thought and don’t allow your mother’s opinions take anything away from your self worth.
Best wishes to you and live your life to the fullest.
I know that it isn’t the same situation as yours but bear with me about the meaning behind my post.
I once had a boss that I absolutely despised. I didn’t respect her policies or how she treated anyone.
This boss asked me to cover for her regarding very serious issues, which I didn’t do just because she asked me to.
She went as far as asking me to lie to the parents of my students when they started asking me questions about her behavior.
I told her to tell her own lies because I wasn’t going to do it for her. When parents asked me anything, I sent them straight to her office.
Needless to say that I wasn’t her favorite teacher at the school. Some teachers did cover for her because they needed the job.
At this point, I was just biding my time until I got another job.
Christmas rolled around and as usual everyone was collecting money for her gift. I confided in another coworker that I didn’t want to contribute but I knew that it was expected of me.
This coworker told me that if I didn’t want to contribute, then I shouldn’t. I listened to her and I felt like I was being true to my beliefs and feelings.
In January, I found another job at another school. A teacher at another school moved away because her husband was transferred to another state.
I gave my boss my notice. She was furious because she didn’t want me to leave before the year was over and asked me to step into her office and we could settle things if I would stay.
I knew with all of my heart that I could no longer work for this woman and I told her it was too late for any discussions.
I was very happy at my new job because I had a boss that I could respect. I woke up everyday being excited to go to work. I never looked back. I knew what was right for me and it was to move forward.
Three other teachers quit after I left. I later heard that my old boss was fired. She got what she deserved.
It is never worth doing anything for someone that doesn’t value you as an individual, whether it’s a family member, a boss, a ‘so called’ friend. Follow your heart and your gut instincts and you’ll be fine.
You are correct in saying that it is her mom, which may make it harder for her. She will have to decide how far she intends to move forward in her relationship.
Sometimes, we do have to distance ourselves from family. I had to distance myself from my oldest brother.
I did go see him in his end of life hospice facility before he died. I forgave him for any hurt that he caused me and I asked him to forgive me for when I caused him pain.
In spite of his flaws, he was a believer in Christ. I believe that he died peacefully knowing that he was loved and forgiven by God and his family.