My mother (93) and step-dad (82) will not consider preparing for transitioning from IL (Apartment home) to Assisted Living. Mom is wheelchair bound, and barely can do a slide-board transfer to her wheelchair daily; she has to be hoyered for everything else. I am the daughter who has gone from trying to be the caregiver, to having to get in-home caregiver services to handle her progressive decline. She requires two shifts: an aide to do personal hygiene, change Depends, dress (while in bed) and transfer to wheelchair, and an evening aide to do commode, hoyer to bed, and clean (after hours being wet). SD does all the daily housework, laundry, cooking, medications, etc. But, at 82 and having a long list of health issues himself (and too much alcohol for coping), it is only a matter of time before I will have two crises to deal with. He continues to declare that he wants to continue this unpredictable care-service coverage, but calls me as soon as things go wrong, so it is me (or older sister) who has to fill in for the service gaps; Mom now weighs over 190 and it is hard for just one person to handle (I am 65, older sister is 71). I have confronted SD several times, and told him that I cannot continue to physically handle her, but nothing changes and I am left with that moral dilemma when called at 9pm …. do I just let Mom sit there like that. (Thinking about getting APS involved seems premature and makes my stomach turn.) The Forum has been very helpful to point out that this is a common dilemma, and that the prognosis is generally one of waiting for the "Axe to fall" (medical emergency > Rehab > Social Worker interventions > assessment that mom cannot get the care she NEEDS going back home, etc.). This post is to ask if there is ANY other insight or do I just have to suffer the ongoing burnout/anguish of "knowingly" having to wait for the “Axe” because parents want to try aging in place, at any cost.
You will have to wait for the axe to fall.
Meanwhile see to it that you do NOT in any way enable this financially (do not spend your own money; as you now know you will need every penny of a lifetime of savings) or physically.
And I would inform them BOTH that I am stepping back from arranging care and doing for them as it is "enabling you to stay in circumstances you should no longer be in".
Enable them now ONLY in moving to ALF care.
Do know this. Whether they die because of this, or die in ALF or die in MC they are now of an age to have lived a GOOD AND A LONG LIFE. It doesn't much matter HOW or WHAT takes them now or in what circumstances.
You will, as I always tell people get the call I did ("Hi, do you know we have your brother here with us at Desert Regional Hospital?") or from the coroner ("I am so sorry to tell you that there's been an incident at your parents home, and ....")
These are the calls we get.
This is self limited and this is their own choice. As I am now 82 and getting older I more come to the point of understanding the elder's wish to die where they are rather than have 6 more months "in care".
Reconcile to this and let it go. It will be upon you soon enough. And then you will call in all the social workers and together you will handle it. Or not.
As said, it is too late for AL. Probably LTC. As far as SD, he and maybe his child if they're POA, will have to figure that out.
But, parents did not move soon enough, eventhough we constantly tried to sell the idea of quality of life before too late. And, too late it is, only 8 months after they moved.
Thank you for your point regarding LTC vs. AL because SD is going to have to deal with this reality, sooner than later.
As far as APS, I completely understand how hard that is to do.
I almost had to do this on a family member, who was letting an extremely sick anorexic, almost dieing because, they both decided pray was the answer before doctors.
I had the number and my phone in my hand, and I got a call the the anorexic got the help they needed. It was a unbelievable horrible feeling, I was sick for days after from the stress. Because I assumed I was maybe going to get a family member aressest.
I'm very glad I didn't have to but , in like 5 minutes I would have, and everything I did that lead up to that was the right thing to do.
I'm saying all this to say I understand the difficulties of that phone call and most often it is the right thing to do.
You and your sister need to get on board, say no you won't do anymore. Maybe wait a day or so and let things get more messy, then call. That is up to you, im not sure because I'm not in the situation, to judge weather or not they will even be ok if you wait.
But yes!! Make the call!
You can't keep doing this, they need more help, you can't keep up with this
Neither one seems they can live alone. Tell them you can no longer do this. Their health problems are past your ability.
Waiting to make the call is only prolonging your agony. It just may be the best way to do your best for them, enhance the chance that they'll be clean, comfortable, nourished, and in peace in their final years.
Best wishes to you and them.
So best time to learn to let go is now.
To be honest, I talk to myself a lot! If I call mom in the morning, and she doesn't answer, I use to go into a complete panic. Now if I call and get no answer, I breath, I tell myself over and over things that help me depending on the situation. I'll say over and over, this is the life she chose, I have absolutely ZERO power in any of this. Let go let God. As often as I have to repeat the montras over and over.
I didn't choose this if it was up to me , moms house would be sold and she would be in AL . I've done everything possible to get my family on board with it, it's a no go. So why should I destroy my mental health with anxiety, when I have no power.
As you have no power either. Also I've accepted that this is life, your moms not the only one insisting on aging at home, won't be the last.
You can try , massage, meditation, I prefer mindfulness.
Anything you can to stop that gut feeling from exploding, into a panic.
Best of luck. I hope that helps a little