My mom is 90 with mid-range dementia living in MC. She remembers the family, even new members, still verbal but choose to not engage in much in her community. Dad is 92, lives in same facility in AL. Showing very early signs of dementia, uses a walker, very frail - eats very little and very little physical activity, recently put on oxygen. He visits mom each evening. Since January he has had 3 bouts of pneumonia. He is now in the hospital for the second time in a month with the pneumonia and early heart failure - no heart issues previously. I'm afraid this is probably the beginning of the end - the cycle of hospital stays and resulting decline - he just doesn't have much left in the tank.
Until 6 months ago they lived in IL together with a 3x week caregiving helping with mom. Dad and I handled the rest. Mom was obsessed with where dad was even if he was sitting right next to her. Now she seldom asks for him unless you bring him up or she's just seen him but it took her several months to adjust. She does like seeing him and does not understand that they live separately. But once he's gone she forgets about it and it doesn't seem to bother her.
Here's my question - what do I tell mom about dad's health. Do I prepare her for his passing. Do I take her to see him in the hospital and/or SNF when he gets released. I'm just afraid that one night he will pass and she'll have no warning or reference to grasp it.
I know a lot of people will say she won't remember or understand the decline but she does seem to retain changes in family conditions. For example her grandson, who doesn't live close by, is in the process of getting engaged and after being told twice and shown the ring, she has been able to retain that information and the girl's name, etc.
I would NEVER bring up the subject of "Dad".
If SHE does I would be honest. But short and sweet unless she asks for more. ie "he's in hospital with that nasty cold again" or some such.
If he dies you will have to tell her.
Don't expect her not to react. If someone told you your husband died, would YOU not react? Reaction is the normal thing. I see far too many "children" now taking on responsibility that the parent be "happy all the time". That's not life and never WAS their lives. Life is full of grief and reacting to that grief and loss. You didn't do it. You aren't responsible. It is yet another awful loss which she will handle however she handles it (can't be predicted.)
So I would say to approach it with honesty but don't elaborate unless she wishes it. If she does go into a period of mourning help her with making scrapbooks of their lives together or some such to celebrate their years and their love. They have made it a long long, long journey, worthy of grief and worthy of celebration.
That's your answer right there. Mom is to the point in her dementia where she's not bothered when dad is gone. So don't take her to visit him in the hospital, no way. That would be applying your rules of normalcy to HER. She lives in her own world now, which YOU have to enter into. It's a world that requires comfort and no anxiety whenever possible. If and when mom asks about dad, then you tell her he's sick with a cold and cannot visit. When he passes, you can tell her. My aunt had advanced Alzheimer's when her husband passed and the children insisted on taking her to his service at the cemetery. She sat there like a zombie, not understanding what was going on. Same with my mother when dad died, and her dementia wasn't too advanced at the time. She just sat there dry eyed and looking around. I'm not sure WHAT she got out of the funeral, if anything. They just aren't able to process information like we expect them to.
Sending you a prayer for peace in the midst of all of this.
I don’t think that I would tell your mom anything just yet. It may cause her to have anxiety and make things worse for her.
Shortly after my mother was placed in her ‘end of life’ hospice care home, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I kept this information from my her because it would have upset her terribly. I wanted her to be at peace.
If you do feel that it’s important to tell your mom about your dad, wait until you know something for sure.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time.
I will say that if I were your mom suffering from memory issues and my dear husband had passed, I would not want to know. I'd want to be left in my own world where he still lives somewhere.
I would also tell the staff not to say anything about dad to her.
IF she asks tell her he is not feeling well.
If she asks to see him you can honestly tell her he is in the hospital.
or If she asks to see him you can tell her he is in his apartment but still not feeling well and because of the pneumonia the doctors have said no visitors.
If she's at the point where it's out of sight out of mind and she does not ask about him, leave well enough alone.
Should she ask for him, tell her that he's in the hospital and you're waiting on when he can be released.
What about you? Are you “needing” to tell mom, to be comforted by her?
I am not saying what you should do but I am suggesting that you not just be concerned about mom. After all, she has the elixir of loss of memory. I don’t think it’s necessary to prepare her anymore than old age already has.
When my in-laws were in the hospital both at the same time, my SIL took her mom (dementia) around to see her dad. When asked if she wanted to go, she said no. SIL got her a wheelchair and took her anyway. FIL said to MIL, “I think God is calling us home”. MIL dismissed the idea. He died while there, she a month and a day later. SIL was glad she took her mom.
While I do agree with others who say your Mom won’t probably remember, since she remembers some things, I say yes, tell her. She may or may not understand, but if she can remember some things, you should try to tell her.
Be prepared for ANY reaction (or none). Tell her in the simplest, clearest (but loving) way possible. However, don’t dwell on it…don’t keep trying to get her to understand if you think her reaction is inappropriate. Tell her once, answer any questions, then let it go.
When he finally passed, she accepted it incredibly well, seemed completely lucid actually when we told her, and I believe it was because in the back of her memories, somewhere, she knew he was sick and was going to leave her. A few times since then she has commented that he is gone "right?" and accepts the answer that yes, he is...but mostly, when she does ask about him, we just say he's gone fishing and she's good with that (he was an avid fisherman and this would not be unusual for him to be gone).
Of course this is my personal experience with my own mother. I believe preparing them gently for the inevitable is a good thing, but not to relive the reality once their loved one has passed...
It's a difficult, very personal journey you're on. Very similar to raising children, there are no instruction manuals, we must make the hard decisions according to our own hearts. It's obvious that you love and care for them deeply. Therefore, any decision you make will be the right one for you and for them.
Blessings to you and yours
She was sad when he died, but she never shed a tear, and this was a woman who'd break down at the ending credits of a movie when the music swelled up.
Dementia had robbed her of her emotions, and she had completely forgotten my dad -- her husband of 66 years -- within two months of his death.
Honestly, you need to make the call because you know her best, but I'd treat your mom like you would a young child by not getting into a lot of details.
Dad is sick, she probably doesn't need to visit in the hospital (unless Dad would like to have her come), and if he dies, tell her gently and lovingly, but don't expect a normal reaction. She may kind of shrug it off. My mother was more excited about me taking her to find a blouse to wear to Dad's funeral than she was upset about him dying.
The whole experience was surreal, so don't expect normal here -- you won't find it.
But 'Don't expect a normal reaction' is very good advice for others & for myself too.
I've noticed this lack of empathy & lack/change of emotions for a while.
I am realising it will take another kind of strength to deal with that chapter.
Mom was obsessed with where dad was even if he was sitting right next to her.
Now she seldom asks for him unless you bring him up or she's just seen him but it took her several months to adjust.
If she doesn't ask, don't remind her / say anything. What good would that do (for her). It will / could agitate her. You want to keep her calm.
She does like seeing him and does not understand that they live separately. But once he's gone she forgets about it and it doesn't seem to bother her.
As she 'forgets' this is your answer: it doesn't seem to bother her.
Why upset the apple cart? Perhaps I do not understand your reasoning to bring up a sensitive topic / important relationship that she forgets about).
What do I tell mom about dad's health.
Nothing.
Do I prepare her for his passing.
No, there is no preparing when someone has dementia / forgets as she is doing.
There is 'no reason' to consider 'preparing' as this isn't possible due to memory loss / dementia.
Do I take her to see him in the hospital and/or SNF when he gets released.
Absolutely not. Do not trigger memories, confusion, sadness. There is no reason to do this (to her). Why would you consider? I know you mean well, I just do not understand your reasoning.
I'm just afraid that one night he will pass and she'll have no warning or reference to grasp it.
She isn't grasping now. If she asks for him - at any time - tell her he's taking a nap (and will see you later or tomorrow... she'll forget) or something like that. Don't go into any long story.
Those of us of sound mind have difficulty grasping the reality of death / grief. That she is there now - forgetting, confused ... it is a gift in disguise really. The more that she forgets, the calmer she will be in present time.
You want to keep her (refer to) in PRESENT time.
Do not ask her questions that require her to think about the past, i.e., remember something that she can't remember/ recall.
Do google Teepa Snow and watch her You Tubes about how to communicate to an elder parent with memory loss. Reviewand/or buy one (or more) of her books / materials. I did her webinars for close to two years. Excellent training / education.
It is a difficult siutation and most family members learn as they go. It is a lot to learn in a very short time (it IS learning a new language).
No one is really prepared for these sitations unless specifically in the field / trained / understanding byworking with a person with memory loss-dementia.
Gena / Touch Matters
It seems that Mom is doing brilliantly at Living
in the Moment.
It serves her well. The less worry we all feel, the better
for us all!
When he dies, which you are saying may be in the near future, you can tell her that Dad was sick for X weeks/months and finally died. Express sympathy and empathy, even if she doesn't show much emotion. You can't change the reality of the situation, but you can show respect and kindness to both of them.
So, it depends on your mom, stage at where she’s at. I agree with another poster, if it’s done simple & with love, whatever you decide will be ok. Just don’t force it. If it doesn’t seem right or you feel it is making her more upset/agitated, don’t worry about telling her. Go slow & you’ll know what’s working for her, your dad & you.
If her dementia spirals and you are keeping her up to date with his health, it's possible it will only sadden her for periods of time that she may not even understand.
I understand that you want to prepare her, but I'm not sure that you can. Your mum may be able to retain certain pieces of information, but her brain isn't working properly, so she may not be able to reason, or to calm her fears.
If your dad pulls through, your mum could retain a feeling of anxiety associated with him, but not know why.
My advice would be to wait and see what happens.