He caused so much stress in her life, and in mine. He even had me investigated for abuse! Blasting all over social medial that I'm a terrible caregiver and don't take care of her. He says I'm the one keeping him away from her. She would literally have chest pains when she heard about it, if he came around or called. I was actually the one who talked her out of getting a restraining order. I told her if he came around again after being told he wasn't welcome, then she should.
His wife is now calling saying he wants to see her. I haven't informed anyone that she is on hospice yet. I'm unsure how to handle it. She is living at my home.
You don't have an obligation to inform anyone she's in hospice. That qualifies as private medical information if you want it to be. You owe no one explanations of your caregiving; you're doing your best.
Focus on your mom. Let her know she is loved and safe from anything that would harm her.
I wish her a safe passing, and peace to you.
We cannot make up for a lifetime of a bad relationship in one visit. Your mother deserves peace.
My OB was not allowed to see daddy before he died. For daddy's sake.
See what your mother wants. Lots of emotions are swirling as the end of life approaches, and she may want to see him again. Even if she can't articulate why she wants to see him, or if she leaves it up to you, I'd think hard about giving him a very brief visit, set at your convenience, with a friend as a witness. You can call 911 to have him removed the minute he acts up.
If she is clear that she does not want to see him, then that is your answer.
I've seen enough situations of reconciliation/forgiveness etc at end of life, even in families that were adamant that a particular person be excluded for good reasons.
A hospice social worker and chaplain can be good sounding boards for this decision, may be able to be present, etc.
What is the purpose of his visit? To stir up more trouble for you? If you sense that is what it is about, then why should he visit?
Plus, if his visits will be distressing for your mom and she doesn’t want to see him honor her wishes.
Why can’t he speak for himself instead of having his wife call you? Anyway, tell his wife the same thing as you would tell him.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
You might also video her and ask if she wants a visit to confirm that she said no.