So, my father (96) was recently diagnosed with stage IV cancer. It's very hard, but I'm slowly coming to terms with it due to his age. The other and more complicated issue is my mother (95). She was the one who I always thought was the one who more had her head on her shoulders and was independent. However, she's completely lost it about how she will be alone and how she won't be able to get anywhere (she stopped driving years ago and my father was the one taking her everywhere), etc. etc. She has macular degeneration so her vision is not that great. She has other health issues but can still get around the house. However, between her and my cousin, they are starting to put the pressure on me to move back home. My mother is on the East Coast and I am in the LA area. I'm 69 years old and retiring in 8 months. My plan was to move to the Southern Sierra about 3 hours north of Los Angeles. So.....do I just trash that idea, move 3000 miles back east? And then when it's over and she's gone....then what? I just pick up and move 3,000 miles back again? It was easy to move around a lot when I was younger but at my age, not so much. So I really feel that if I move back East, that's pretty much it for me. No going back. And I hate it there. I would be more that willing to have my mother come live with me once she's alone, but I know she won't do it. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to feel like a horrible person, but at the same time I don't want to end up spending my golden years/last years on the planet 3000 miles away in a place that I hate. I will do what I can for her from here but I really, really, really don't want to uproot myself and my plans for my own [dwindling] future....
As I learned here, your Mom has had her life.
It's time for you to live yours.
"I can't possibly do that!" is a fine answer to your mom.
Offer to help your mom find a place (you can tour Assisted Livings over FaceTime or similar.)
Sometimes you have to make decision based on your gut. At close to 70 I'd stick to your original plan.
It appears you have two options. After Dad is gone find her assisted living back east or bring her to the Southern Sierra and find her assisted living in the Southern Sierra. For you it would be easier having her in assisted living in Southern Sierra but if she refuses find her something in her home town while you stay out west(this will be harder for you but many families make this work.)
You've worked hard your entire life and you don't want to be on the east coast. This is not an option.
As a backup see what assisted livings are available in Southern Sierra. Gather information and see what your options are.
Also, if you come back east for any reasons if you can tastefully/respectfully do this I'd start donating stuff to goodwill etc. This may be easier since Mom is partially blind.
If Mom wants to stay on east coast I would not fight it. I was friends with a woman who was in her high 90's. Daughter moved her from east coast to a facility on west coast. The woman hated it. She was moved back to a facility on the east coast.
Her records could be sent to new doctors to review and be up to speed .
People that age aren't usually happy. You can count on it. Mom and Dad should have come up with some other plan for when one of them passed on. That's on them.
Check out some assisted livings near you. They often have their own doctors, nurses, clinics, all the medical things she'll need. Her present doctors being around to take care of her isn't a given. They quit, they move, they have a baby. Make it clear that she can't move in with you. That would be a disaster, trust me. At an AL, she'll get food, entertainment, new friends.
Mom didn't plan. Mom won't move. Mom doesn't care if you have your own happy life. Maybe that makes her the horrible person. But wait - maybe neither of you is horrible! Maybe you each have a right to be happy!
I had a similar issue with my sister and my nieces getting angry because I wouldn't become the POA for their mother. One lives in California. I had just retired because my job was outsourced, so they thought that I had a bunch of free time on my hands. Little did they know that I was prepping to go back into a field of work by taking classes, getting updated on immunizations and physicals. Besides, my older sister is about herself and could care less if I had rent money for the month or not.
Don't let your mother and your cousin pressure you into moving back losing out on your retirement plans.
Get your retirement set up to your plans and don't let senior brat tantrums manipulate you into ruining your plans. Trust me, they will get over it.
Investigate ILs, ALs and Nursing Homes in the area you intend to move to. Mom's needs may change, so visit places with different levels of care.
I am sorry for this diagnosis but in all honestly a move to a GOOD ALF would afford your mother more loving attention and more activity than you could ever provide. I would make it clear at the get go that this isn't happening. If you enable it at all it WILL happen.
My SIL now is retired. His wife, my daughter will soon. He is a real hiker and and always out walking. They will soon be traveling together. His mother would NOT want this (and she suffers from Wet AMD as well) for him. She would not want him sacrificing some of the most free time in his life to her. I have long made it clear my daughter would NEVER be allowed to do so either. I am sorry your parents haven't made it clear to you that it isn't happening.
As far as the rest of the family I couldn't be less interested in what they all think. You shouldn't be either. Just my own opinion. You are all grown up and your choices will be your own.
I absolve you of that burden your family is trying to put on you.
At their ages, they could literally drop dead at any given moment. My 96 year old aunt was trucking along and one day had a terrible headache and a few hours later was dead from a brain aneurysm.
At 95 it may make better sense to put Mom in A/L on east coast if she refuses to move out west. I would have resources in Bakersfield and on the east coast. I would not base the decision on her doctors. Doctors retire and relocate. Mom is probably outliving many of her doctors at this point.
This is very touchy but can you partner with Dad on some of Mom's long term care decisions? If he was behind you Mom might be swayed. It is a very touchy conversation to have. You would want to have a soft script and I think the conversation is many times better done in person.
Your mother is 95 , she had her retirement . You deserve to have yours as well . You live where you want to live .
Either Mom goes into assisted living where she is , or by you , those are her choices at this point . She’s the one that is 95 and will need care . You should not be the one to have to move . Don’t have mom live with you either .
She wants you to move in with her and prop up her false independence . Elders should not expect their children to move , uproot their lives , in an attempt to avoid the changes the elder is facing .
M ‘can still get around the house’, but she probably can’t get out. At age 95, the world shrinks down to a few rooms, and it doesn’t matter much what’s outside. However you can still get out, and it does matter to you. It’s common sense that you choose the place where M’s ‘few rooms’ are. That’s being a ‘sensible person’, not a ‘horrible person’. Chances are that if you could pick up her East Coast rooms and dump them on the West Coast, she would have no problem. It’s the way her rooms look, familiar furniture etc, not where they are.
It's also possible that M sees you being close to her on the East Coast is going to be like it was years ago - you and she can have great times together. Just like the 'going home' meaning going to a childhood home, not the most recent 'home'.
Could you arrange respite for M somewhere near where you want to live? See if you could bring with her a piece of furniture that she likes, to make it look a bit familiar – pictures are easy to transport. If she spent a month there, with you visiting and a few outings, it might drop down her opposition. I’d say go ahead with both: your move to the Southern Sierra, followed by her move to local respite, so that she “knows more about where you will be living”. You don't need to stress that it's permanent.
PS Someone pointed out recently that the local TV commentators become important ‘friends’ for housebound elders – much more so than the occasional doctor’s visit. See if you can set up a local TV inside the respite place to get feed from what M is used to 'back home'. I know you can do that with radio, because my DH uses the radio station feed from close to our farm, inside his new shed 1500 kms away - what they talk about is familiar and he prefers it to the new local stations. M might almost forget that she isn't 'back home'.
PPS DH says you can do it but it requires a 'smart' TV, connected to the internet.