My 83 year old mother lives with me. She has middle stages of dementia. For the last several months she talks about being homesick and wanting to go back to Texas. (We moved over 35 years ago).
I have read that toward the end of life some seniors will make unusual requests (I even read about one woman wanting a face lift in her 90's)
I checked and my job is able to transfer me to our Texas office, but before I uproot myself and the rest of my family I want to be sure I am making the right decision.
Any advice?
Lastly, have you ever gone back to visit an old neighborhood or house you lived in long ago? I have. It's always terribly startling how much of a DUMP the place looks like compared to the picture of it I'd had in my mind. I was thinking Mansion and it turned out to be a Trailer.
If you insist on making a move back to Texas based on your mother's fantasy of what once was, do this before you move: get her on a plane out to the old neighborhood so she can see it for herself. Then judge her reaction and go from there. If it were me, I wouldn't even take it that far, I'd just stay put right where you are. A move is extremely disorienting for an elder with dementia and you can wind up stirring up a big hornets nest in an effort to make her happy!
How can you be sure if she would be content there? You can’t. Then what? I realize that you want her to be satisfied but there aren’t any guarantees and you deserve to be happy too.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I would not uproot the family - especially if you are happy where you are. And uprooting mom could do more harm than good. With dementia routine is best. When mom tells you she's homesick, ask what she is homesick for and see if she can't tell you stories of what she remembers - maybe share what you remember. Try and divert her to another subject.
Your mother is no longer able to make rational decisions and as her caregiver it is up to you to make those rational decisions with her best interest in mind. Your job is to keep her safe.
As her dementia devolves, she will be moving more permanently into her alternate universe that her broken brain creates and will rarely have a relationship to "our universe." Sometimes you will need to visit her reality to calm her agitation.
Make sure you also take good care of yourself. Make sure you get some "me" time - even if you have to hire caregivers (that mom pays for) to come in a relieve you a few hours a week. And go in search of humor - you will need that - a good laugh can lighten the burdens off your shoulders for a few minutes.
Best wishes.
From my response to sp19690:
With dementia (sometimes even without), there is often that wistful desire to return "home" to a simpler time in life. The bigger problems, as others noted, is that idyllic place longed for is likely unrecognizable after 35 years and even if it was unchanged, the memories might not match the reality.
My mother hounded YB every time he visited her in MC to bring her back to her condo. He would try to reason with her (never listened to me, I was just a know-it-all!) which would just go round in circles. Nine months after moving to MC, she asked me if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Her mother had been gone 40+ years prior! I bluffed my way around it and said maybe tomorrow, knowing she'd forget about it in a few minutes. Right away, she asked if I had a key to the home we lived in prior. That had been sold 25+ years before this happened. So, she clearly had a "step back" in time/memory and was living life at least 40 years ago. I haven't seen the place in a long time, but not too many years after they sold it, I happened to pass by it and she would NOT recognize the place because of changes they made.
In addition, she also tagged her mother with that house. Granted, she did stay with us a few months at a time (mom's sisters would do the same), but she didn't truly live with us. Now her memories were a bit "warped."
So, that place of 35 years ago is a memory of a place/time that may not exist anymore. About the most I might do is take a vacation there and see for myself, but that's probably not a good idea. If you know anyone who lives in that area, maybe they could take some pictures and send them to you so you can see for yourself what it looks like now. We all, not just the older people or those with dementia, have an idealized "memory" of those places we've lived in or been to in the past.
You also realize that where you are now, you have "roots", friends, family, familiar places, etc. Uprooting, you would lose all that. Plus, as others noted, moves are hard on everyone, but especially harder on those with dementia. Familiar places and routines are important at this time, so it's best to wait on that move. If you and sister entertain thoughts of moving back later, it might be best to take a trip there, to be sure it's really what you would want. Your memories might not mesh with the reality either!
I like the idea of decorating her room with a Texas theme
Great Idea
You also feed those who get riled up accusing us of treating our older LOs like children. Yes, we often have to be the decision makers now and keep them from harm, but it is NOT the same and they are NOT children.
With dementia (sometimes even without), there is often that wistful desire to return "home" to a simpler time in life. The bigger problems, as others noted, is that idyllic place longed for is likely unrecognizable after 35 years and even if it was unchanged, the memories might not match the reality.
She's entitled to express her wishes... very often even adults don't get their wishes, do they?
Absolutely do not uproot your family for your mother's sake unless you want to do it anyway. If you have pictures around from that time, pull those out and look at them with your mom. That's what she's looking for, not the Texas of today.
I appreciate the advice
Before making any serious moves, I would investigate whether Medicaid in either state will pay for Assisted Living or memory care.
If you co-mingle funds and buy a home together, don't do so without consulting an eldercare attorney about the ramifications. NOT a real estate attorney, an eldercare attorney who is knowledgable about Medicaid.
I appreciate you taking the time to answer my post. It is very hard to try to care for her and balance my own life.
You have definitely giving me something to think about.
You moved over 35 years ago! You checked with your job about moving?
If you are seriously considering a move, and it was your idea and the family's idea, then consider it.
However, I would maybe get a little concerned if you took your Mom's wishes about Texas even a reason to make inquiries at your job, unless you have a strong desire also. There would be nothing there familiar to console her 'missing Texas'.
Still, Texas can be very nice. Moving can be an exciting change.
If you are no longer considering it, please notify your boss so they don't consider replacing you and sending you off to Texas.
Is Texas HOME?
She always taught me: "Bloom where you are planted". Lol.
I hate that saying.
What if you get to Texas and she says she wants to go back to the last place she lived?
I think it is unwise to plan your life around the sometimes fleeting desires of dementia patients, especially since you can't know if she will acclimate.
I know we are going to have to move next year as the lease on our apartment is up and we were considering a house.
But you have a very valid point on planning my life around her fleeting desires.
I need to consider MY desires in the equation.
Thanks for your help
Do you like where you are living now? Do YOU want to move to Texas? If you like where you are living now and don't want to move to Texas, then do not do it.
Thanks for responding, I appreciate your help.
The rest of the family is my sister, who also lives with me, but is also disabled due to epilepsy. So the driving and manual chores fall to me.
I must say I wouldn't mind moving back to Texas and I'm sure my sister would love it but we are trying to navigate the best solution for everyone.
You make some great points I hadn't considered and will definitely be discussing with my sister.
I am soooo glad I found this forum.
Thanks for your help
The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both parties. You uprooting your life to relocate in TX is most likely not going to satisfy her once she gets there, because the desire is based on some romanticized notion about her hometown that doesn't exist anymore. Caregiving is very challenging and you need all the security and support you can get, and this means staying put so that you are surrounded by family, neighbors, friends, church, etc. The sad fact is that eventually your mom may not even remember that she ever lived in TX, it she could lose this memory sooner than later. Moving won't be beneficial or therapeutic for her and but it will be very unhelpful to you. Please do not feel guilty over this. Caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint so you must pick your battles and reserve your energies for the long haul. Please read other posts on this forum by loving adult children who are burning out trying to "please" or accommodate their LOs' dementia-drive desires. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart that it is ok to make yourself a priority so you can do right by your mom in the long term.
Thanks for your post.
I have family, friends, and neighbors in Arizona (where we live) that help out A LOT.
Honestly I hadn't considered that until I read your post.
While I wouldn't mind moving back to Texas it might be something to consider when it is just my sister and I.
I know I have to consider my mother's feelings and desires but I keep forgetting I need to take care of me so I can take care of her.
Thanks for the reminder.