Do you talk to your elderly parent(s) about them having to go into a nursing home?
I saw a post on this site recently where someone said that their elderly mother said she didn't want to be a burden to anyone and would go into a nursing home. My mother has told me a few times that she does not want to go into a nursing home. Quite honestly, I don't think Mom would last in a nursing home -- either she would elect to die or she would walk out (like her brother did) and they would say she can't come back. We do have an agency coming to her home to care for her at night. She does give the new caregivers a hard time because she doesn't want them doing certain personal things (like help with toileting). She doesn't mind me helping her, though.... Last night, when she said she didn't want to go into a nursing home, I explained to her that we have someone coming in to help take care of her so that she (hopefully) won't have to go into a home, but that she had to let the aides at night help her. As I have mentioned in other posts, she is 94 and has progressive aphasia. That does not affect her intellect. Yes, there are times where she seems confused, but for the most part she knows what is going on (even with her speech). I don't see a reason to keep anything to do with a nursing home from her. I would rather be honest, whether or not she understands. One of my brothers, though, thinks we should not talk about those things in front of her. Seems to me that it would be more traumatic if you just pack up you parent one day and move them. Granted if they are unaware, it may not matter. What are your feelings about that?
Well the time came and my mother was resistant to the idea but once we got her settled she really does seem like she enjoys the other elderly people around her and the personnel too. She was always very sociable in her younger years. I guess that’s her personality.
My dad really needs some assistance back at the house. He was mom’s caregiver for a few years but he really didn’t know how to help her properly, she wasn’t getting enough food and her hygiene had slipped and he seemed oblivious. He takes care of himself but doesn’t want ‘strangers’ to come do lawn work or clean or do his cooking. HE WANTS MY DAUGHTER THERE 24/7. But I’m working toward him joining mom eventually in the AL facility. He visits her enough it should seem familiar when the time comes.
Mom’s dementia is come and go. I still can catch the old mom early in the day but as evening comes she gets ‘out there’. Dad’s right behind her, showing signs of dementia but it’s mild.
One day at a time!
You don't have to call a spade a bloody shovel. You don't have to keep rubbing it in. And you don't have to have the whole conversation all at once. But the "not in front of the elders" idea is neither respectful nor helpful; and besides don't you think it's possible that it's your brother who's uncomfortable with the discussion more than your mother?
Whatever your mother's care preferences, they can't, any more than anybody else's can, override reality. The day may dawn when her staying at home is no longer realistically possible; and in that event it would be as well for you and your mother to have a clear idea of where she might be made most comfortable. It's a fall back position, not the plan. Present it to her as a safety net - nice to know it's there should she need it.
Meanwhile, what is the problem with allowing the aides to help her? Are you happy with the aides' approach? They should have had training in putting their client at ease, but as in any walk of life some people are more naturally skilled than others. If she seems to like some of her aides more than others, it might be a good idea to make yourself scarce when these people are around so that she's encouraged to accept their help with personal care. You can't afford to make yourself indispensable.