Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
My Momma who has always been my best friend. She is 88 on the decline with signs of dementia. Watching the woman who could carry 6 bags of groceries at one time struggling to get to the bathroom is tough. It's also hard to be "the evil child" now because I am the primary care giver. My oldest brother doesn't participate and my middle brother died last year. Yes. I think about her passing. For her more than me. It's not living anymore and having her say she wishes she were dead just guts me.
Many different responses below but I thank you for being brutally honest. Its hell caregiving and watching parents and loved relative's suffer and decline. Both of mine are gone and after three years of dealing with them I finally have peace and can focus on my health issues. You are allowed your own feelings.
I cared for them the best I could give with my sister's help and hired caregivers. Often due to sister's health decline with Covid I had them both!
Husband and I now have his 94 year old aunt left with advanced dementia. We will be her primary caregivers until she passes.
No, I do not visit graves or have heavenly birthday celebrations. I am sure my sister does but that brings her peace.
I’ve never heard of ‘heavenly birthday’ social media posts, so that’s yet another reason to stay off social media! Pass the sick bag, Alice.
Some of us would like their parent to die, for their parent’s sake, not their own. But yes, many of us look forward to the end of a long and difficult journey, and do envy others who have reached it.
Another post this morning described caring as “a crazy ride for our loved ones but for us as well. The only way we can get off it is when our loved one dies. That's the sad truth of it”. Why feel sympathy for that poster, but then say that this one “shouldn't be the one caring for your father if you're wishing him dead”, when it’s just another take on the same thing?
I celebrate that fact that my family hurts no longer. Yes I miss them terribly! My Mama was in so much pain that she couldn't walk, my sister was in so much pain she couldn't swallow. My Daddy didn't know day from night! I celebrate because I knew them, loved them and share memories with them! Yes I cry, I laugh, I scream! But I will never forget them and when their dates of birth and death comes around each year I celebrate it with flowers and dinner! One day I will see them again and I am sooooo looking forward to it. I read its hard for you but maybe if you remember the good things about your family it might not be as hard. Prayers for peace.
I wish I was celebrating my mother's heavenly birthday whichever way it goes. Instead, I am taking care of her. She will probably outlive me. And yes, to answer your question, I am super envious of everyone whose parents have died and they aren't having to do what I am doing.
I think there’s confusion here about the term “heavenly birthday”. I have several friends on social media who acknowledge them. NONE of them are celebrating the anniversary of their loved one’s DEATH. They’re marking their birthday, postmortem. For example, it will soon be my grandfather’s 124th heavenly birthday, the age he’d turn if he were still alive. He has been dead 30 years.
Yes, I guess it is normal. I have one friend whose mother was 90. My parents are 94. For years we talked a great deal about how we were caring for our parents. Her mother died last fall after several years of decline.
I found myself so envious of her that her ordeal was over. Of course I never verbalized these feelings to her. She was very grief stricken over the loss of her mother, but I was so envious that she was done. I still am because there is no end in sight over here.
You have a whole chorus of us screaming with you! I am currently thinking about how to "celebrate" my dad's 102 birthday. He has no idea how old he is but he wants to live to 107. My husband said to tell him he's 107 and maybe he give up and die. We are all in with the black humor.
OMG I thought I was the only one and I always thought I was a horrible person for this thought. My mom is gone but I am caring for my dad, almost 91, with PD dementia and a host of other issues, with no end in sight. He has outlived everyone, and every week I hear of someone he knew passing away, and have the feelings you describe then I feel guilty.
You're taking care of TWO parents?! Wowza. I feel bad complaining about caring for just one! Anyway, I get it. While it's absolutely devastating and shocking for the family, a sudden, massive, fatal heart attack is preferable to having to witness a loved one slowly, steadily lose their mind (for the last nine years in my situation).
Im sorry for coming across so rude. Maybe you can hide the social media topics causing your stress. My dad passed on his birthday and I don't 'celebrate' or say happy Heaven day..
I have never even heard of a ‘heavenly birthday’ before seeing this thread. It’s a new one for me.
I don’t think that I would ever celebrate a day that someone died.
I understand that people are glad that their loved ones are not suffering any longer. I’m glad that my parents are no longer suffering but it does seem strange to mark the day of their death as a special day.
And tragic situations like you have been through, a person would never wish to say that it was a ‘heavenly birthday.’
I remember the birth date of their actual birth, because it holds more significance to me.
Even with my mother living in an "appropriate facility", memory care to be precise, I prayed for God to take her every single day. Watching her deterioration with dementia and other health issues was tearing both of us apart and she was ready to die. Why would I want anything else for her??
Those who pass judgment on your words don't understand the devastating impact watching a parent die has on a daughter. I used to sit at dad's bedside and hold my breath waiting for him to take his next breath when he was actively dying. No, hospice didn't kill him, a brain tumor did. Had I been able to SPEED UP that process, I gladly would have.
As far as "stupid heavenly birthday posts" on sm are concerned, they bring people comfort. We won't judge you on wanting to scream over seeing such a sentiment posted by a grieving loved one, and we won't judge you on saying you envy your friends who have dead parents.
So accurately described . I agree , watching someone deteriorate, who wishes death would come, is difficult to witness , especially when it seems prolonged . You can judge me for this , but I wish Euthanasia was legal .
Thanks to everyone for taking a moment to let me vent, even those dissing me. It was a VERY stressful day when I wrote that and it wasn't particularly clear but I do think that people who haven't had to deal with watching their parents deteriorate have it relatively easy. They don't really understand the constant "on"ness of being a caregiver and for those of you who noticed. Yes, I am an RN, in fact, I am actually working on my Ph.D. in nursing but what I have found as an RN is an expectation, especially on the part of my sibling and nieces, is that I can just deal with everything and they take no kind of responsibility to help. BTW, it is not just my dad I am caring for, it is both my parents. My father had a traumatic brain injury and developed dementia and my mother has stage 4 cancer. They did NOTHING to save for this time and not only are they living with us, but we are also in the process of selling their house and creating a living trust to fund their care. On top of that, my youngest son has Down syndrome so most days I feel like I am running a home for those with special needs. I think the day I posted this I had just seen so many of the overly sentimental posts and they left me thinking how is it that I have landed in this situation, giving up half of my home and what feels like my life to care for two people who didn't take any responsibility for their future?
When I read the situations other people are in I feel very fortunate, my dad although with dementia is overall very pleasant and easy to get along with. My mom is someone who always wants to be taken care of, but that is my dad's fault as he always took care of everything. She can't really be blamed for attitudes that have been ingrained for a long time, but that doesn't actually make them easier to deal with. I think on some level I was testing just how "accepting" this group is and overall I think people are very understanding and kind.
Most of my career has been spent in ICU/PACU and it is not really the same kind of nursing that people picture. Most people think of nurses as nurturing and almost waitress-like. That is not nursing. Nursing, especially ICU nursing, is being aware of subtle changes in patient condition and doing everything possible to prevent deterioration. A joke for ICU nurses has always been "if you are well enough to ask for coffee you are too well to be in the ICU"!
I feel sorry for you that you feel this way. That said as I have read many posts here that not all of us were lucky enough to be raised in a loving home with loving parents. (and some never saw their parents age..) Some parents that I have read about should never have been parents. If you are in this group I truly am sorry. I do hope that you find peace.
For those of you trashing the OP, recall that idiom about actions speaking louder than words. Ditch the smug judginess before someone takes a snapshot from one of your own bad days and assigns you a permanent label.
And if you’ve never witnessed quality of life so poor that their suffering breaks your heart so you hope for them to be released, consider yourself fortunate.
Hey lorrising. There are a lot worse things in this world to get fired up about than someone posting about a dead LO's heavenly birthday. There are a lot of people in the word right now who are missing a LO who has passed. Birthdays and holidays can be really hard on a person who is grieving. So if it helps a person who's in pain and it's a comfort to them to remember someone by wishing them a happy birthday in heaven on social media, who hell are you to tell them otherwise? I still wish my first husband a happy heavenly birthday and he's been gone for years. I call my former MIL on his birthday I do this because I loved him and the family he brought me into. Love doesn't go away when a person dies. People grieve in their own ways in in their own good time. It is not for anyone to tell they they're wrong. Don't be jealous of people whose parents have died. If your father is too much for you to handle, put him into managed care.
lorrsing, you should see the thread below. Many people likely share your feelings. I would be a liar if I said I never felt envious that my friends didn’t have to care for anyone and be burn out like I was.
I have never envied anyone having dead parents. Mine were wonderful people, and I miss them every day. Caring for them was stressful, heartbreaking, and yes, a burden, but I'm sure so was raising me. I considered it an honor to care for them, and it was just part of life.
I'm with you, however, on the "heavenly birthday" thing. Wouldn't their heavenly birthday be the anniversary of the date they died -- the day they were "reborn" in heaven (whatever that's supposed to mean) -- not the date of their birth? I've yet to see it commemorated that way.
As for me, I don't commemorate the date anyone died. I remember people in my heart mostly when their real birthdays roll around. My mom's birthday was the day before mine, so I can't help but feel a little sad we no longer celebrate together. My dad's was a few days before Christmas, so he's always part of my memories of the holidays.
No, MJ. The heavenly birthday would not necessarily be the day someone died. It can be whatever day brings the grieving person some comfort in their loss.
I don't know about all the heavenly birthday bit with a parent, but if the quality of your parents life has become not living but rather just not dying, I understand how you may be feeling. My mother has not been my mother for years. Her dementia has made her mean and abusive. I wish often that she had not got the pacemaker to extend her life to the point that her grandchildren have begun to avoid her and her great grandchildren are terrified of her. how much better if we had the good memories of what she was before dementia took over. She was a great Mom and Grandma at one time. Sadly, the current behavior has overshadowed that.
I am not a big fan of those posts either. When their birthdays come up I wish them a Happy Birthday privately.
You do sound like caring for Dad is getting too much. Maybe time to place him in Memory Care if he has the money or a nice Long-term care on Medicaid. We can only do so much as one person.
I don't want to scream, but I would certainly like to know if birthdays are celebrated in the place where we go next. Like, if you're there for eternity, how much cake do you get to eat? Because if it's heaven, there would have to be cake. Chocolate, hopefully.
My Aunt was a staunch Methodist. She believed we do not know each other in heaven, not as spouses or siblings. I just read the Bible is not really clear on this either.
I can't say that I have ever envied anyone the death of their parents, but I WILL admit that when my parents died in their 90s I felt little other than relief. They were the best parents ever. They lived long lives and lucky lives, very in love and free from illnesses for the most part. My Dad long wished he could go for the "long long nap". My mom was struggling n her last months. And what I felt when they each went was great relief, that I never had to stand witness to their suffering. That they never again had to be afraid. That I never again had to be afraid for them.
You are not alone in wishing you didn't have to witness the suffering of those you love. How could it be otherwise? It would only be a cruel person who would take joy in witnessing the losses and struggles.
If you are doing hands on care for your parents I think it may be time to recognize that this cannot be done without great destruction to yourself. Please consider seeing someone for a couple of hours of counseling. Often a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice is best for this as they are great at life transitions work. This isn't about discussing the age at which you were potty trained; it's about learning to endure pain in the present day. I so wish you good luck.
You obviously are beyond burnt out and need some reprieve. Like said below, you perhaps shouldn't be the one caring for your father if you're wishing him dead. He deserves better than that, don't you think? Perhaps it's time to look into placing him in the appropriate facility where he will receive the 24/7 care he requires and you can get back to just being his child and advocate. We all have our breaking points and it sounds like you've reached yours. Please do whatever is necessary to make your fathers life better and yours.
I understand where u r coming from. People who saw things like “just put them in a home if you feel that way,” likely do not understand just how difficult that can be, and I’m strictly talking about the legal side and the rights of the elderly person.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I cared for them the best I could give with my sister's help and hired caregivers. Often due to sister's health decline with Covid I had them both!
Husband and I now have his 94 year old aunt left with advanced dementia. We will be her primary caregivers until she passes.
No, I do not visit graves or have heavenly birthday celebrations. I am sure my sister does but that brings her peace.
Some of us would like their parent to die, for their parent’s sake, not their own. But yes, many of us look forward to the end of a long and difficult journey, and do envy others who have reached it.
Another post this morning described caring as “a crazy ride for our loved ones but for us as well. The only way we can get off it is when our loved one dies. That's the sad truth of it”. Why feel sympathy for that poster, but then say that this one “shouldn't be the one caring for your father if you're wishing him dead”, when it’s just another take on the same thing?
I found myself so envious of her that her ordeal was over. Of course I never verbalized these feelings to her. She was very grief stricken over the loss of her mother, but I was so envious that she was done. I still am because there is no end in sight over here.
I'm just so stressed and depressed about it all.
I envy those that have had their fathers through most of their lives.
😟😟😢😢
Heavenly birthdays?! SMH!😖😖 🎻🎻
I don’t think that I would ever celebrate a day that someone died.
I understand that people are glad that their loved ones are not suffering any longer. I’m glad that my parents are no longer suffering but it does seem strange to mark the day of their death as a special day.
And tragic situations like you have been through, a person would never wish to say that it was a ‘heavenly birthday.’
I remember the birth date of their actual birth, because it holds more significance to me.
I’m so sorry that you lost your dad in this way.
Those who pass judgment on your words don't understand the devastating impact watching a parent die has on a daughter. I used to sit at dad's bedside and hold my breath waiting for him to take his next breath when he was actively dying. No, hospice didn't kill him, a brain tumor did. Had I been able to SPEED UP that process, I gladly would have.
As far as "stupid heavenly birthday posts" on sm are concerned, they bring people comfort. We won't judge you on wanting to scream over seeing such a sentiment posted by a grieving loved one, and we won't judge you on saying you envy your friends who have dead parents.
When I read the situations other people are in I feel very fortunate, my dad although with dementia is overall very pleasant and easy to get along with. My mom is someone who always wants to be taken care of, but that is my dad's fault as he always took care of everything. She can't really be blamed for attitudes that have been ingrained for a long time, but that doesn't actually make them easier to deal with. I think on some level I was testing just how "accepting" this group is and overall I think people are very understanding and kind.
Most of my career has been spent in ICU/PACU and it is not really the same kind of nursing that people picture. Most people think of nurses as nurturing and almost waitress-like. That is not nursing. Nursing, especially ICU nursing, is being aware of subtle changes in patient condition and doing everything possible to prevent deterioration. A joke for ICU nurses has always been "if you are well enough to ask for coffee you are too well to be in the ICU"!
Anyway, thanks for all the responses. OP
I personally feel that when caregiving becomes too heavy of a burden, you should consider placement for your loved one.
They deserve to be looked after by someone who isn’t resentful and most certainly you deserve a break from doing the ‘hands on’ caregiving.
Wishing you peace as you decide how to continue on in your caregiving journey.
That said as I have read many posts here that not all of us were lucky enough to be raised in a loving home with loving parents. (and some never saw their parents age..)
Some parents that I have read about should never have been parents. If you are in this group I truly am sorry.
I do hope that you find peace.
And if you’ve never witnessed quality of life so poor that their suffering breaks your heart so you hope for them to be released, consider yourself fortunate.
There are a lot of people in the word right now who are missing a LO who has passed. Birthdays and holidays can be really hard on a person who is grieving.
So if it helps a person who's in pain and it's a comfort to them to remember someone by wishing them a happy birthday in heaven on social media, who hell are you to tell them otherwise?
I still wish my first husband a happy heavenly birthday and he's been gone for years. I call my former MIL on his birthday I do this because I loved him and the family he brought me into.
Love doesn't go away when a person dies. People grieve in their own ways in in their own good time. It is not for anyone to tell they they're wrong.
Don't be jealous of people whose parents have died. If your father is too much for you to handle, put him into managed care.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/wrong-to-hope-someone-dies-150121.htm?orderby=recent
I'm with you, however, on the "heavenly birthday" thing. Wouldn't their heavenly birthday be the anniversary of the date they died -- the day they were "reborn" in heaven (whatever that's supposed to mean) -- not the date of their birth? I've yet to see it commemorated that way.
As for me, I don't commemorate the date anyone died. I remember people in my heart mostly when their real birthdays roll around. My mom's birthday was the day before mine, so I can't help but feel a little sad we no longer celebrate together. My dad's was a few days before Christmas, so he's always part of my memories of the holidays.
But to post that stuff on social media? Noooo.
You do sound like caring for Dad is getting too much. Maybe time to place him in Memory Care if he has the money or a nice Long-term care on Medicaid. We can only do so much as one person.
You are not alone in wishing you didn't have to witness the suffering of those you love. How could it be otherwise? It would only be a cruel person who would take joy in witnessing the losses and struggles.
If you are doing hands on care for your parents I think it may be time to recognize that this cannot be done without great destruction to yourself. Please consider seeing someone for a couple of hours of counseling. Often a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice is best for this as they are great at life transitions work. This isn't about discussing the age at which you were potty trained; it's about learning to endure pain in the present day. I so wish you good luck.
He deserves better than that, don't you think?
Perhaps it's time to look into placing him in the appropriate facility where he will receive the 24/7 care he requires and you can get back to just being his child and advocate.
We all have our breaking points and it sounds like you've reached yours. Please do whatever is necessary to make your fathers life better and yours.