I guess any job that's 24/7 365 gets old and frustrating. I think the key is breaks. Doing things for yourself? But what if there are very few breaks and there's no time for yourself bc you struggle to keep everything going. Then one day you look in the mirror and you feel like you've aged. I sat for weeks in the hospital with my mom and basically sat and ate and sat and ate hospital food. I realized one day I couldn't go to the bathroom anymore. Took me 7 months to fix that health problem. Does anyone ever wonder what will be left of you when caregiving services are over? Its hard some days not to be resentful or angry or sad and crying. Every emotion I've been thru. Lately im a mess. Needing to find a job, but needed too much to be able to work. Work would be a break. A place to talk to other adults outside my small little world revolved around someone else's needs always. Does anyone feel this way? Do you feel guilty or is this normal to extreme caregiving?
I was driving by the hospital so I went to the emergency room. They were so nice and helpful. After 4 hours of tests and just resting I was sent home with instructions to follow up with my dr.
A bit embarrassing but a sort of wake up call to slow down and take care of myself. Especially after the dr kept telling me that my age, 65, does put me in the age bracket for a heart attack.
Are you looking ahead at finding a placement for your mum? It seems you are pretty stretched and things are only going to get worse as her diseases progress. If she isn't able to fund her care there is medicaid. Meanwhile have you checked with the local agency for aging to see if you can get some help weekly for her so you have some hours to yourself? If she ends up in hospital again please take some time out for yourself. The staff there will care for your mother. You don't have to be there all the time. You count too!!! ((((((hugs))))))
Hugs 🤗
“When i tell him he needed help that i can't do it all day, he said he doesn't need me or any help...yet he calls me 15 times a day for this or that.” ... I have learned to set boundaries.. I don’t go to my mom’s at the drop of a hat, actually I drop by every other day or often 3 days .. I also have her over Sunday’s for dinner. I get her to her app’ts & keep control & track of her $ to pay her bills etc .. as POA. I was warned when I got mom moved close to me to NOT go over every day, to NOT be at her beck/call .. it becomes expected —
again, the saying “we teach people how to treat us”
You are doing lots right, you have help hour him... take time with your family & esp. dear grandchild ... we never know how long our health will last ourselves.
all the best - you’re doing awesome - scale back & KNOW you are meant to live your life as well & not be sucked in yo the vortex of your dad’s world ❣️💗
You tube has tens of thousands of sermons, self help videos, all of our happy songs are on there, books, movies etc. all for free- make a pair of ear buds one of your favorite things.
Psychologically I think it even helps us In blocking out the bad and feeding ourselves only the good. Streamlined right in to our ears and mind.
i would quit everything and go and dedicate my time to making the rest of her life the best it could be, and really enjoy maybe 80% of it ;)
but I too am concerned of loosing my life while doing it, because I’m recently divorced and nearing retirement age myself in 5 years. Moms health is pretty good, and from what I understand this battle of the mind can actually last decades. So there is a little fear inside thinking I will wake up one day and she will be in eternity and I will be in my senior years, alone, with no retirement in place and my best years behind me.
We have to keep our bodies and spirits nourished. There is so much out there to feed our minds and spirits, it’s hard to make time.
One thing I do for myself is listen to books, while I’m driving or while I’m cleaning house, even sometimes when I’m at moms, I let her know that I’m listening to something really important to me, and I need maybe 20 min while making her dinner to not chit chat so I can listen.
When frustration overwhelms me, I literally talk myself through it. Walk outside to my car and seriously, take some deep breaths... Playing worship music is another thing I do, but listen, I truly don’t feel like it sometimes, but I push myself to do it, it’s like good medicine for the soul. Take the time sweetheart, the more you do it, the more natural it will feel.
Praying over the anger, oh I feel
it, but through consistent prayer, God has helped to turn it into compassion. No doubt sweetheart, it is a tough road, truly what we don’t allow to bury us 6ft under, will for sure only make us stronger... and feeling a little like MRS. Hulk here lately. ❤️
ital or rehab I get a break I get no help no support. This will be the last time I will be doing any type of care angry that no one seems to care or wants to help or even take me out or get me out of the house for a while. Just angry at certain people how long can I stay angery we all need breaks but then again when no one wants to help you out.
The thing that was glaring & you know it .. is “I tend to let people use me in relationships”.... that is not just romantic relationships - remember this “We teach people how to treat us.” THAT is why .. you’re allowing it, teaching others.. everyone, how to treat you.
I’ve been there .. you have some limiting beliefs that consciously &/or subconsciously, are letting people walk on you. I learned from a counsellor his to specifically stand up to my mom, how to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ... that means I changed & b/c of that others (my mom, husband etc ..) all had to recognize I was requiring more of myself, believed in myself more & not allowing the behaviour anymore .. it took time, bs y steps but they have all gotten used to the fact & respect me for it. Those that don’t are free to leave my life ... I can tell you, my mom & husband are proud of me, my mom sees me as much more capable & strong ... The best thing you could do for your mom, your family & mainly YOURSELF is to get some counselling & learn to stand up & set those healthy boundaries ... when your mom is gone, yo7 will still have your life. At 47 you still have a lot of life left - this is the time to take stock & grab hold of your life. NO FEAR .. let go/surrender expectations of outcomes, it is SO FREEING ❣️
Do something good for you .. learn to take hold o& yourself & your life. It may just help you get your sanity back & feel less of a victim .. I have bern there & come out the other side.
i wish you the strength & determination to move forward for yourself. I wish you ALL the best to come out on top, it may seem impossible but you CAN have a real change of attitude by growing & healing yourself first 💝
xo
Yes I have loads to work on. Its overwhelming everyday all the stuff that falls on me. So I always put myself last and usually there's no time for my needs and too exhausted to make changes even for the good.
Amen to that!!! I wish someone had been able to get that through to me early on. Knowing and respecting that it does unfold in its own way and there are many aspects you just cannot control would have been helpful. Planning was one of my "go to" coping techniques - if I had a plan in place for every little thing - I just felt better. Well needless to say - things rarely go according to plan. Control what you can - which is mostly yourself, your ways of coping - sometimes stepping outside your comfort zone - if needed - for help..... I make plans with a friend for dinner (for example) and then it would take every ounce of strength and then some to actually go, but I was always thankful afterwards. Buckling down and doing necessary legal paperwork was the biggest drag - but totally worth it when done.
How hurtful, that your mother didn't think enough of you to hire help, but she does for him!
When my mother was hospitalized in October 2018 and then went to rehab, I was very mentally stressed. Before that time, I would get very anxious after spending my required hours with her each week. There was no question that my health was being affected. I was angry that my brothers didn't have to do any of this. If my mother didn't repeatedly tell me my time wasn't worth anything and treat me like a child, I probably wouldn't have ended up charging the trust for my time ($20/hour). I emotionally disengaged from her, because I am simply NOT a martyr.
It's as if you have a magic window into my life!
And to be realistic, the lives of so many (adult daughters) on this forum.
Way to figure it out and get it done.
Well done, you!
R27
I miss mom but not the agony. I won’t be around my toxic brother just to see my mom. Not doing it.
My mom got the majority of my life being a wonderful daughter to her. Now I am going to be wonderful for me, myself and I!
I feel the same way.
My sibs work at outside jobs and have no idea how good they have it, the normalcy of that existence. Work would be a break.
I think about what I'll do for work when my caregiving duties are over. Aside from how enervated I am, and wondering how I'll cope upon my return to the regular world, hope that my next employer will be empathetic regarding the reason for the gap in my employment history, and hire me anyway.
I wish you well.
R27
Now that mom is living with him. He’s going to see what I went through for 15 years. Oh wait, no he won’t because mom hired help for him. Never paid a penny for me to have help though.
Amazing, how parents can make differences with their kids. If confronted, they lie and deny it so I don’t put myself through the torture of a discussion anymore.
Ricky, hope things get better for you.
Maybe place cameras where you can follow his progress that would not allow someone to spy on you and him in private areas.
I believe that you can get a life alert with fall detection.
this link takes you to the 6 stages - video for each stage - and the top in green bar navigates you everywhere through the site. I especially like the STAGES drop down & have printed out my stage as a reminder of what I am doing and what I want/need to focus on .. it is crucial that we get support in our journey & stay focus. there will always be down times... :) ♥
caregiving.com
I’m sorry you feel criticized by the forum and that is because you have some self respect.
I’m going to add to the criticizing (sorry, not sorry) by saying you need to assert that self respect in dealing with your mother. She is totally reliant upon you, yet she verbally abuses you?
Your roles have reversed. She is now the stubborn child and you the parent. If she can’t be nice she shouldn’t get her demands. Isn’t she the one who taught you manners?
What can she threaten you with? It would be a favor if she fired you with this thankless job.
You sound as if you are just plain exhausted. That’s because no one is caring for you. Not even yourself. She can hold off on some of her demands and allow you some space to take a breath.
charlotte