Mom is 91, has moderately severe dementia and NPD. Brother, 60, is former meth addict, NPD, Borderline PD, TBI, and has moved in with her. He is the type of narcissist that can talk for 1 hour without taking a breath and doesn't even know it. He uses anger, self-pity and charm as forms of manipulation to get my mother to do whatever he wants. He is extremely competitive and jealous of anyone who has even a little bit of my mom's attention. I choose not to go no contact due to being in charge of her trust (there is a large inheritance that I don't want my brother to steal). I am working with a therapist who says I should study Gray Rock and recommends that as the way to go. Can anyone share some insight or tips from personal experience with me? Thank you
I was tutoring the child of a celebrity who had nannies and housekeepers waiting on them hand and foot. The child took his pet rat out of the cage and attempted to scare me with it. When he got no reaction, he said his nanny always screamed when he did that. With a blank face and monotone voice I said, "I have 2 children. There's nothing you can do that woul scare me."
He put the rat away and got to work.
Thank God it was not a snake. 😜
I was doing exactly that with my toxic brother and didn't even KNOW it. I had learned the technique during some therapy sessions, but my therapist didn't call it "grey rock".
You cannot cure this type of personality problem, mostly because they do not WANT to be 'cured' and part of what makes them so hard to deal with is that they have zero interest in anyone else. They are right, all the time, no matter what evidence you may have to the contrary, they are always right.
I didn't fight with OB (he has since passed, and had such PEACE after he died. How sad to die and have maybe 3 people who cared) I just listened to him rant. And, yes, a one hour, nonstop talk session wasn't unusual. I actually recorded one, just out of curiosity sake--played it back to DH who was pleading with me to turn it off NOW. Just random nonsensical blathering.
He was able to talk my parents out of the equity in their home, their silverware (real silver, people don't really have that anymore) coin collections, Indian artifacts, cars, and simply the cash in their wallets. And somehow they bought into all the lies and stuff he told them. It was beyond sad.
He was never 'cured' although he had plenty of psychiatric help. The only was we in the family could deal with him was by being, well, rude. we'd call him out on his lies and didn't support him with anything beyond maybe a meal and $20 here or there.
My mom is a little bit that way.She isn't very sympathetic and does most things to 'look good'. I have to sometimes take long breaks from her. I mean, 6+ months of no contact.
Do go google this. It is a pretty effective way to handle the narcissists in your life, and believe me, we all have some.
This is so true, especially recognizing how transformative it can be to try to be altruistic rather than narcissistic. Thank you for this post.
We have so much to deal with as caregivers & in life in general & need to find ways to cope. This discussion made me think about when it's obvious that someone is using a learned technique on me. If I wasn't so darned angry & frustrated it almost makes me laugh sometimes. At Mom's nursing home, after usually listening politely to me complain or request something, I see the social workers' eyes go blank, they then promise to do whatever they think I want to hear, and then that's the last of it.... until I bring it up again later. Then... Listen politely, Promise, Ignore.... Repeat.
My brother is a doctor. When we were kids he often made a point of taunting & riling me up to the point of tears. As an adult he still does it occasionally, but now he knows when to shift to his Calm Doctor Voice & Demeanor, especially if anyone else is around, so it makes me seem like a raving lunatic. Will definitely try Gray Rock with him.
"I hate you, why don't you die, I want you dead' and such crap. I got where when she did that, I'd reach up and twist my hand like turning her off. That really blew things up. Not long later I got hearing aids and would make a show of turning them off.
The big thing about Hate is: "Hate will destroy the hater long before the hated"
I've seen that several times. I just reply: "that means I won't have to put up with you much longer" "what do you mean?" "your hate will kill you soon". Couple neighbors, wife, a girl friend, guy at work that thought i'd one upped him and never knew what I'd done he was referring to. One thing in common: They're all dead!
I bought a big old boat and when she'd get to ragging I'd just go fishing and spend the night about 60 nights a year just to get away from it all.
I'd never heard of gray rock til this.
Here's another thing many of you may not know. Wife sprayed furniture wax in my face one day after I'd asked her to wait til I got out of the room. Since then I've had bad allergy problems. She knew strong smells attacked me bad. While she was dying from cancer she got some of the most obnoxious stinking stuff in a bottle and set it around. It took my breath so bad one day I went to the allergy clinic nearby and had to go thru three full treatments before testing showed my breath was still just a third what it should be.
When I told the dr. he called and told her: "IF you put anything out with smells that bothers him again I will call the law and report you, knowing it bothers him and still do it is the same as pulling a knife or gun on someone and the court will put you where you can't do it again". Then he wrote the same thing in a letter and had it signature to addressee ONLY so she had to sign it.
Best wishes to everyone dealing with these people.