My sister and I are deeply concerned that our mom is being taken advantage of by her Catholic church. When our dad passed away 5 years ago, our mom turned to the church and we were wholly supportive. But over the last few years, she has become increasingly obsessed, her once wide circle of friends is now reduced to only church members bar 2 neighbors. All she talks about is the church, it dominates her life to the exclusion of all else. She has developed friendships with priests which we worry are inappropriate (going in vacation, spending nights at her home), taking gifts etc. To clarify, these friendships are not romantic in any away more that she sees herself as a mother figure. She is talking about dissolving the family trust set up with my dad with the sole intent of benefiting his grandchildren to leave money to the priests. These are very large sums and absolutely goes against our dad's wishes and hers at the time. My sister and I don't know what to do. There is an increasing gulf between us all and we have tried to discuss it with our mom but she gets angry and shuts down the conversation. It feels like we are losing her.
There is Something Rotten in Denmark here.
Call the bishop or the archbishop and report these priests. They are not always the "holy men" they claim to be. The altar boy assaults ALONE that have been outed should be enough to convince you of that.
Also, have mother tested for cognitive issues, please.
Good luck.
Vacations? Sleep-overs? NOT appropriate.
I would think that the diocese would be quite open to listening to you, as they're in enough trouble with inappropriate actions by priests.
On one hand I get that , this is moms business, and forget the inheritance, on the other hand , Churches can take advantage of older people.
This was not so in NJ. Had trouble downloading the article.
"A 2014 file photo of Archbishop John J. Myers' retirement house as the Archdiocese of Newark spent more than a half million dollars for a 3,000-square-foot addition with an indoor pool, fireplaces and an elevator."
He was an Archbishop but the diocese saw it unappropriate and sold the house. So where did that Priest get his money? I would report this to the higher ups. If Mom offers gifts, they should be turned down. Staying the night is weird to me.
I guess it would be best at this time that the family know it cannot expect an inheritance off mom's money.
If she sets up estate documents showing the money being left to individual priest(s), I would notify the archdiocese immediately. A priest takes a vow of poverty. They have no business being the heir to a congregant's estate.
Now, if mom decides to leave the money to the church, that's a different story, and a battle you won't win if she is still with it, cognitively speaking. When dad died, mom became the beneficiary of the estate and is now entitled to do with it as she wants, regardless of your dad's wishes. It's unfortunate, but true.
If mom is planning on giving this money away while she still lives, I would tell her that it might mean a penalty if she should need long term care under Medicaid, and that you and your sister aren't going to bail her out by bringing her into your home or taking care of her in hers. If she has the cognitive ability to change her estate planning, she should have the cognitive ability to understand there might be repercussions from her decisions as well.
Sometimes, unfortunately, churches will prey on elderly people, especially those who have some financial means, to "remember" the church in their estate planning. There are actually groups of "estate planners" that will come to a church and teach the church leadership, be they clergy or laypeople, how to "talk" to people in that demographic about "estate planning". In my opinion, it's immoral, but there isn't anything illegal about it.
You might want to try a different tactic with mom. ASK her where she got the idea of leaving money to the church/priests. Talk about it in a non-judgmental way. Often, they use a mixture of playing on a congregant's guilt and pity, talking how much the church needs the money, and what good it will do. Point out that her grandchildren also need the money, and what good THEY can do with it.
It could also be that your mom feels that the church has "been there" for her, where perhaps her grandchildren have not. It's a complaint you sometimes see from the elderly, where they feel that their family is just waiting for them to die so they can get their hands on their inheritance. It's not an uncommon feeling; maybe that's where mom is with this? If so, you need to be prepared to hear that as well.
I would implore mom to make sure she has enough money to take care of herself, sit down and go through everything, as for how much money she will need to go into a nicer AL, a month. All the expenses, and tell her you will not ruin your life if she gives away all of her money.
I hope others have some better suggestions for you.