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I visit Mom 1-2 times a week (live 20 minutes away) and call her twice a day. I am very nice to her and try to comply with the guidelines of dealing with a person with dementia. It has become increasingly difficult because she doesn't want to hang up the phone unless I say I will come over to visit (which I cannot, that's why I'm calling.) I am her only living relative and POA. It crushes me to tell her I can't see her and wonder should I lie and tell her Ill be over or just not phone at all? I feel like I'm calling to ultimately turn her down or disappoint her. Comments?

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I would phase out the phone calls. Much of the time there is a disconnect with a voice that comes out of a box and a person. If someone can not see who they are talking to there may be no connection. At least if Mom can see who she is talking to she might have a connection and at some point know that she knows you.
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I would cut back on the phone calls, visit her as you do and let it be. Someone once said this to me about my mother and something I was doing...that I said I was doing for her, she said "Be honest, you are doing this for you, trying to make yourself feel better", She was right, it was all guilt driven.
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I, too live too far to visit my mom often. When we are on the phone together, she kind of lights up, though I don't think she knows who I am. I think she recognizes that I am a friendly person who knows her oh, but she does seem to enjoy the phone visits. With me, on the phone she is willing to hang up when there is nothing else that she wants to talk about.

However, when I visit, she cries when I say goodbye. I have changed that now to "I will see you again as soon as I can" or "I will see you soon," knowing that "soon" is a relative word. I don't feel as bad stating it that way and she is okay with that. The bottom line is that she won't remember anyway if I called 5 minutes ago or last week or even at all.

We both feel good about the call for the moment, no strings attached.
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I’m long distance from my dad who’s in memory care. Dad is just in the moment now and I don’t phone him anymore.

I think so so much about caregiving parents triggers the guilt thing. Emotionally I feel guilty and sad for not talking to dad. Rationally though, I know there’s not much to be gained other than him being confused about who I am till it’s all forgotten in the next minute.
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Amygjoy Jul 2019
I did struggle with the same thing with my dad. I was close enough to visit weekly and maintain a schedule. But I found that to much caused more confusion than clarity. Good job seeing the big picture. I am now struggling with my mother's mental decline and find the rules have changed but the prize is the same. Peace of mind....for all.
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I would phase out the phone calls. Much of the time there is a disconnect with a voice that comes out of a box and a person. If someone can not see who they are talking to there may be no connection. At least if Mom can see who she is talking to she might have a connection and at some point know that she knows you.
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II wouldn't call so frequently. One of the things that I saw with my dad was that he didn't need to engage and try to make friends because I was around to much.

He could use visits and calls as justification to not be part of his new home. He did better with less contact.

I know it is hard when they forget your name, but it is her broken brain not her heart towards you. Maybe when you first arrive say hi mom it's (your name) your daughter. Then let it go.

It's okay to visit when you can and then let her live her life the rest of the time. Humans are amazing beings, we can adapt to anything.
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I feel the same as the other posters. Forget the phone calls. Often they can not put the sound of your voice to your face in their mind or their connection to you. I could tell that my mom had no idea who I was but she “faked” it without ever addressing me by name.
Then 5 minutes after the call, all is forgotten anyway. I would visit when you can. I used to start out the visit by saying, “Hi Mom, I’m your daughter, Sue.” She’d say, “Oh, you ARE? I didn’t know I had a daughter.” Then I’d start (each time) with how old I was and a brief rundown of my life. Sometimes she’d be so amazed. She was always glad to see me because she recognized my face as familiar.

Don’t feel guilty by not calling. Instead think that she won’t be confused by not wondering who she was talking to. You are NOT ignoring her. She won’t miss the calls.
You’re a GOOD daughter by your caring. Calling doesn’t make you any better.
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Thank you all for sharing your advice and thoughts. I will ease off calling Mom and focus only on the visits. Appreciate your guidance, God Bless you all!
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Amygjoy Jul 2019
I wish for you everything that I want for myself. Time for me, peace of mind when I get it, and a clear set of priorities so that you make the most of each opportunity. Believe that the decisions you make are for the right reasons, that you do what is best for everyone and that at the end of the day you know you did the best you could. That is all we can do. I believe in you.
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As long as she doesn't mind being called mom, that should be fine. My dad was very ill with dementia or worse, but he knew, when I didn't come & was rather upset with me. He was on his death bed & I couldn't bare to see a once strong man,reduced to a dying man. It just about killed me. He was so lonely. If I were you, I would take it down a notch & see how she reacts. Don't lie, to your mom, out of respect.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2019
Lying to a person with dementia has nothing to do with a lack of 'respect', and everything to WITH respect, in my opinion! Sometimes we MUST lie to them to get them to calm down, or to make THEIR lives easier, let's face it. I will tell my mother anything she needs to hear to make her feel better, no matter if it's a 'lie' or if it's the truth. She will forget what's said within a short period of time anyway, so why be burdened with the 'ethics' of such a thing anyway? All bets are off with dementia.
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I have found that phone calls ease my mind because I've spoken to her. But when I am with her she tells me that no one comes over or calls. So it doesn't matter if you call, to her. She will most likely forget. My mom forgets that I'm in her house and why. She calls me by name but dosen't know who I am. Eliminate the little things and focus on the important ones.
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I would cut the calls down to once a day, max. When the phone becomes a real nightmare, that's when you know something has to change. If she doesn't want to hang up, that's a problem. I used to call mom 2x a day, until it reached the point it was affecting me very harshly. At that time, I cut the call to once a day and it's been better. Nowadays, she either can't hear the phone, can't figure out how to answer it, I get a 'busy signal' which means the phone hasn't been turned off, or I can't reach her at ALL and wind up getting worried and feel the need to call the nurses station. So, the phone has become a problem. If you have to lie to her to calm her down, I say go for it. Chances are slim she'll remember ANY part of the conversation anyway, so whatever it takes to make her happy and diffuse the situation. It's not about 'ethics' at this point but about doing whatever is in HER best interest. It's a tough, ugly situation and you have my condolences.
Best of luck
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Can you seek advice for any carers or aides as to how she behaves after you have called? Its hard to determine if the calls have a positive, non existent or even negative effect from where you are. I think we have to relay on the experience of those who are with Mum to answer this type of question for us.
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I have struggled with the moral and ethical dilemma of whether or not i should call my MIL at long term care because her short-term memory is gone and 1 minute after any call she doesn't remember it. Maybe it's better to call the nurse station and just get an update on how she is (in general, not like a care conference). If the calls only agitate her, and exhaust you emotionally (because it's like 50 First Dates or Groundhog's Day), then either reduce calls or don't call her directly at all. I feel your anguish in this. I also have a 97-yr old aunt that I grew up with who lives out of state and has same issues as with your mom. I've gotten a lot better at just telling her what makes her happy. No harm done as long as it keeps her calm and satisfies her. Then we have a good call or visit.
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A great resource for your questions is the Alzheimer website. Also try googling "therapeutic lying"...it's an interesting read as to the pros and cons and can give you some great suggestions as to alternatives you can say to your mom instead of lying.
My mom just had a mild stroke with short term memory loss which is improving. I fully believe in end of life discussions with family while they are still "with it" so there is no confusion as to what "they" want. My mom told us, with no promoting "if I get Alzheimer's and don't remember you you don't have to come and visit me all the time. Just come to see thst I sm being properly taken care of".
How thoughtful of her as it will ease our burden and wondering if it ever gets to that point.
I strongly urge all those struggling with aging parents now to have these conversations with your own kids right now. Let's lessen the burden on the next generation with open communication and clarification.
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I don't think calling hurts her at all. Even if she doesn't remember you, she probably is happy to have the attention a phone call gives her. If a little fib is necessary to end the call, she is none the wiser. She won't remember if you said you'd visit that day or a week from then.
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Gosh, twice a day is quite a lot - !

Don't worry, call your mother as often as you are happy with, and end the call when you need to. Your mother does hang on to the call and won't be consoled except with your promise to visit, but do not fear that she then sits there sobbing and holding the phone. Once you're off the line, I can almost guarantee, you will also be out of her thoughts.

Could you get a bit creative with the promise to visit? I mean, you ARE going to visit, you're not lying - just being vague about when exactly. "I'll see you next time, it's not long :)" is one way to put it. And perhaps you could mark your regular visiting days on a nice cheerful calendar, and refer her to that too.
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I don't call my mom at all, since she is not capable of finding and answering her phone on her own. She gets calls and then she is frustrated because she can't figure out how to return the call or listen to the message. It's just one more huge frustration in her life.

I talked to her yesterday as I head through the grapevine that she had fallen pretty badly. She hemmed and hawed and flustered her way through some story she made up about how/why she'd fallen. She finally was so mixed up, I just gave up and hung up on her. She tries to shift any conversations about her health, etc into talking about other people, and frankly, I don't CARE what her friends are up to.

So in the end, I don't KNOW how or WHY she fell. I emailed my brother and he called her to go do a check up on her and she told HIM she had a nasty cold and not to come up. That was a flat out lie, as she was perfectly fine when I talked to her a couple hours earlier. She can't keep a lie going......well, not a lie, exactly, a refurbishing of actual events.

(She lives in an apt with YB's family, so she is never really alone).

She said she was looking to have her knee replacement re-done. That was the reason she falls. It just 'gives out' on her. Well, that's why she has a walker and grab bars all over the house. She is never more than 2' away from something to steady her. She's 90. That's not going to happen.

I think she is becoming much, much more slip sliding into dementia, but she can still do enough things independently that she'd probably 'pass' any kind of test. I don't know if one would even really help.

I cut back calls and visits to bare minimum, she's so confused, even if you do make the effort to go see/call her, she likely doesn't remember who called or who came by.

So sad, really.
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As long as she, therefore you, are getting anything positive out of it, keep calling. I found that my mom enjoyed my singing to her (she would join in) and reading poetry or telling a joke. Just make the call a light-hearted one, no matter who she thinks you are:)
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disgustedtoo Jul 2019
I agree - maybe not twice/day, but certainly if it keeps mom's spirits up, no matter who she thinks is on the other end of the phone, that's a good thing! You can be Aunt G on the phone and whoever she thinks you are in person - if visiting and calling helps YOU, at least you get that benefit. Socialization of any kind can be a benefit to a person with dementia. Mom's hearing loss is contributing to her decline, I believe, as she cannot participate in much and certainly doesn't carry on a good conversation of any kind.

As for those who say don't lie to get her off the phone - true lies are said to HURT people. Therapeutic fibs are NOT done to hurt people, but rather to avoid hurting them. What is the harm in saying something like 'Okay, I have to go, I have an appt (or some excuse), so I will see you later!' Keep it bland and non-committal (soon, later, shortly, tomorrow, as we know it never comes!)

Personally I do not like lies. However, when my mother asks about her mother or for me to take her there, am I supposed to tell her over and over and over again that her mother is long dead???? That WOULD hurt her, whereas the "fibs" or as some call them, the "lies", help to divert the topic and avoids the hurt that would happen if I told her the "truth." In her mind, aka HER truth, her mother (and father) are still alive! Why should I tell her the "real" truth, so that she would be hurt or devastated???
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Don't stop calling. She is your mother even though she might not always remember that. If her memory is bad, she may not even remember that you said you would visit on same day. Just call and go with the conversation - if she thinks you're someone else, go with it. There's nothing wrong with saying you're going to try to come over. And keep doing regular visits like you've been doing.

You can't really disappoint someone who doesn't always remember what you said you would do. Might be hard to see her like this, but the alternative can create huge regrets. And, you never know, there could be at least one more visit where she has more clarity.
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Once we moved my Mom from our house into MC, I called her several times a week. The facility was wonderful about getting her to the phone and she always seemed so happy to hear from me, although she didn't remember that I had called or what we talked about. In all honestly, there were times I called more for myself than for her. Even with her advanced dementia, I could still hear my Mom's voice and sometimes I'd even get a quick glimpse of the "old" Mom during our conversations.
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As my2cents said, you never know when they will have a lucid moment.

And while Mom may not know - you will know for the rest of your life if you call or not, if you visit or not.
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It does surprise me that occasionally, my mother accurately remembers a phone conversation. But if she was agitated after most calls , I’d not call. My mother just gets mad if anyone dares challenge her memory ( including the neurologist who my mother claimed to her face the dr. , the head of a major world renown Brain Health department, “obviously wasn’t very intelligent” 🙄) but if she had a different personality and felt badly when she couldn’t remember, I don’t think it’s a kindness to put her in a frustrating situation.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2019
"My mother just gets mad if anyone dares challenge her memory..."

Been there, seen and done that!! It isn't pretty, is it?
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Call her and cherish her. Even if she doesn't know who you are every time, you are making a connection with her and that's good for your soul as well. We're only here a little while on this Earth. Call her. She just may say some very sweet things to you that you needed to hear your Mom say and I bet that will bring a smile to her face as well. Call.
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My mother never listened to anything I said when I called her 365 days a year times 2 or 3 times per day for 6 years. She was thinking about what she was going to say. This does not mean I stopped calling her, of course.
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Keep calling as long as she will answer and carry on a conversation. It is alright to let her think you'll be over to visit soon since you do make frequent visits. It is not lying to her. Just don't say exactly when. It has been about 2 years now that my mother has forgotten how to use her phone. I used to either call her or she would call me daily. I was the only number she could remember. When she would like to continue the conversation or ask when I'd be down to get her, I would tell her soon or tomorrow. She wouldn't remember. All to soon she just quit answering the phone, thinks it's someone else's phone ringing. I tell my brother to call the nurse's desk and they will put her on the cordless to talk to him. He tries to call a few times a month even though she does remember him she never recalls that he has called. I think we make our calls more for our own peace of mind than anything else. Evenings when she is sundowning the staff often will call and put her on the phone with me to help her settle down. I'm glad it helps.
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Where is your mom living? - if she is at home then she is past time to live without assistance

Theraputic lying is about telling our LO what they want to hear not what we want to say - try saying that 'I will be later as there is a cake in the oven right now' or similar - she will take it as she wishes & will hang up happy which should be your whole goal in the long run
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