My mother was never warm and fuzzy to me, or anyone else, but now she is getting rather mean. She says horrible, nasty things about me to other relatives, and then says nasty things about them to me. Is this her true nature showing through after a lifetime of control and restraint? Or is this a new form of personality developing out of her unhappiness and confusion of rapidly worsening dementia?
My Mom suffered from hallucinations and some paranoia but on the whole she was nice. The aides loved caring for her.
She's 94 now with moderately advanced dementia and even MEANER than ever before. Filthier mouth, cusses like a sailor, has nasty things to say about everybody who's 'abandoned' her, and yada yada. So her 'new' personality is the same as her 'old' personality, just saltier and even more intolerable than ever before. Now she blows kisses to her caregivers who think of the world of her in the Memory Care where she lives, and curses out her family members like we're dirt under her feet.
Old misery = continuing misery but worse nowadays with dementia. That's my take on things. Add to it a huge amount of confusion and confabulation, and you have a real MESS on your hands!
Saying untrue and totally fabricated lies about how horrendous her family is likely gets her the sympathetic attention and comfort she wants.
It's part of the job to go along with some nonsense if it helps to keep a resident cooperative. That goes a long way when the care has to get done. It's easier for everyone to get the care done when the person is calm and compliant.
If they were to contradict her and call her out on the terrible things they hear about her family and the profane language, she would very quickly stop being well behaved and it would make the care work that much harder on us to get done.
Take it from an experienced elder caregiver. They don't think the world of her. They're doing their jobs. If the work gets done smoothly by not contradicting some dementia resident's harmless nonsense, then we won't contradict their nonsense. Most of us who've been around for a while can usually tell. Either way we really don't care if what they say about their family is true or not. We do our jobs and try to get the work done with as little upset and fuss as possible.
Please, don't worry about what her caregivers might think of you or your family. Most of us take what we hear with a grain of salt, or sometimes ten grains.
If the person has behaved a certain way all their life, and they then had a traumatic brain injury and began to act differently, what would you think was the cause of the behavior? She's undergoing similar damage, but it's not visible.
Her poor brain is all jumbled -- who knows how she's able to interpret her day?
It's not her, and it's not you, it's the disease. Doesn't make it any easier though, right? But be assured that if you got along tolerably well up to now that this isn't some dislike that's been supressed for years, but just all the connections in her brain being haywire.
I imagine some brains as having lights flicking on & off, sometimes data getting through, sometimes not. Other brains with permanent dark sections.
I wonder what the various losses do? Does loss of reasoning means people stay in an anxious mode? Being unable to use common sense to find solutions.
Does loss of understanding others intentions result in mistrust?
The lost handbag, becomes YOU took it! No comprehension it was merely misplaced.
I've known scores elderly people (with and without dementia) would say terrible things about their families that weren't true.
Many times the reason they were like this was that they didn't get from their families what they expected and felt was owed to them in their old age.
Even though their adult kids took care of them, paid as much attention to them as possible, brought in caregiver help for them, and even moved some of them into their homes, it's not enough. Nothing is enough for some because many resent needing help and are no longer in full control of their lives. So they blame their family for the situation and solicit pity by saying terrible things about them to anyone who will listen.
My FIL has always been sweet and quiet, his vascular dementia has made him quieter. And he is still sweet (at least for now).
My MIL had also been sweet (not as quiet), but when cancer metastasized to her brain, she became like a different person, mean and violent. After radiation and targeted cancer meds, she became her old self again.
I don’t know for someone who is already a pill to deal with it will make a difference. I think any brain issues magnify their personality and for some - their internal filter goes away and they will say whatever comes to mind.
A couple of the replies were helpful in that we don’t always know what area of the brain is affected at any given time.
I’ve never encountered this level of meanness with the 6 people I’ve known well up to their deaths, though none of them with outright dementia. I wonder if it was more acceptable in the past (perhaps in the USA, though this is unlikely). My mother had a tart tongue, but the caring was there just below the surface. Perhaps we should all pull up the people who behave like this, younger in their lives. I can’t see why family members should accept this, no matter what the ages of all the people involved. Is that just naiive?
She said some very nasty things to me, and I figured it was probably the way she's always felt about me. I wasn't the daughter she wanted to have. Of course I was the only local sibling. I found the brother worship hard to take (particularly of one of them; the one who hardly ever visited!).
I have never believed in the "put up, shut up, offer it up" advice, and I greatly resented the stress I was put under. The solution for me was to request payment for the time I spent with my mother. The POA brothers had no problems with that. So once I was being paid $20/hour (gifted, as Medicaid would never be involved), I treated my time with her as just a job.
Whatever the reason behind the verbal/emotional abuse, none of us have to put up with it.
People who were mean all their lives and become sweet and mild are harder to understand, but I think that perhaps those people lived their angry lives according to a perceived threat or trauma that caused them to hide their softer impulses and dementia allows their inner child to emerge.
IME, a kind person remains kind or becomes KINDER. A grouchy person becomes more so--and on and on.
BUT, there are those who seem to 'improve' with aging and that, to me, is interesting to think about. A gentleman in my neighborhood never had a kind word for anyone in all the years I knew him. He develops dementia and becomes so sweet and kind. His poor wife--all she said about it was she wished he'd aged backwards. She'd dealt with the crabby guy for so long--and this nice new man only appeared at the EOL.
Sometimes, the 'filter' that we're dealing with all the time that keeps us from saying/doing what we FEEL like doing just disappears and all the bad language and nasty comments come pouring out.
I always explain this to any family. That the work for the client must get done for their own health and safety. Also, I have boundaries in my service that I will not tolerate being crossed.
For example, a client who becomes verbally abusive and physically aggressive because they don't want a soiled diaper changed or to be cleaned up. When distraction, subject-changing, and promise of a treat fails, then a drill sergeant's yell in the face becomes the necessary response to get it done. Yes, this sounds harsh and it is, but a person recovers a lot faster and easier from a little fear and hurt feelings then they will from incontinence sores and UTI's.
I've had many who would start up with vicious insults often seasoned with extreme profanity. Ignore the language when you can but not the work. My first response it to let them know that I don't care what you call me or what language you use, you're still getting changed, washed up, and taking your medicine. When that wouldn't work, I know how to insult and swear too and will.
I find that if a person with dementia is still verbal, they still have self-preservation instinct intact. Part of them still has understanding if they can verbalize and get aggressive. It has served me well professionally to not be passive in such care situations.
personality changes with the progression of cognitive issues and it emphasizes what used to be prior. As an example my dad has always been careful and untrusting of others and now it is worst, he does not trust his shadow. Because they are having problems recalling current events and do not understand what is happening to them it augments their defense mechanisms.
Please know that deep down it is not meant to be harmful or hurtful towards you, it is the illness acting.
it is a cruel illness with no known cure or treatment, there is no harm or malice involved from your Mom’s part. Give her all the love and compassion you can, it is absurdly difficult but in the end you will know that you did all you could.
I wish the best to all of us who are copping as caregivers, it is not an easy task and we are all learning as we go, but together we will get there. Whatever that there is.
I blame the disease and don't believe that it's uncovered some behavior she was secretly suppressing all along. She behaved in a socially acceptable manner toward others when she was able to be aware of what was socially acceptable, but I don't for a minute think she would have been flipping the bird at people all the time without those customs. She was just a different person than she is now but you still see occasional glimpses of her old silly, snarky self.
The one thing that tells me she's not behaving in a way that she's been covering up is that she has an imaginary husband who is apparently a private pilot for the Kennedy family. She HATED the Kennedy family -- pre-dementia -- and that was ingrained from her father who similarly hated them. There's no way in the world she was secretly hiding her love for them all these years and dementia has now freed her to speak glowingly of them as her "husband" flies them around the world! :-)
On the other hand, another lady I knew was sneaky-stab you in the back-mean all her life. Her personality stayed right on course and even got worse as her dementia progressed.
I feel that while the ground work / reaction might be somewhat them,.. the way they deal with emotions, fear etc is not rational.
Thinking about myself,.. for instance if I’m stressed at work, I may take it out on others close by. Now mix into that equation confusion, denial and possible hallucinations,.. I could picture myself getting pretty nasty as well.
I know with mum there’s often a deep rooted reason, something from the past,... ie she had to place one of her sons in a care facility ages ago and she planned / promised to get them out and care for them later. Obviously that’s not possible anymore as she needs care herself,.. I can tell deep down this upsets her. I often hear her say, I should have done different in the past about a lot of things, she gets teary,... so feeling like you can’t fix things must feel horrible. She feels I’m stopping this but I’m really not,... so naturally I get the blast and any parent would if told they can’t help their kid. Today again she’d like to go discuss it so I’m trying a different tactic and saying... sure when do you want to go rather than saying it’s not possible to avoid conflict.
Yes, the present situation is rather terrifying and sad. However, it is not your fault in any way nor an indication you will face the same problems. Dementia that begins with those over 60 is NOT hereditary. However, all dementias are progressive, so it is important to work out how to face the future: For how long will Assisted Living cope with him? What might be your next move? How do your (and his) financial resources apply to this situation? Take care. We all do the best we can with the challenges life throws our way.
Love and Prayer
She also lies to my face.
I have been cutting her hair because of COVID, and she would compliment my work effusively. Last week I overheard her telling the neighbor that I do 'okay, but she can't wait to get a real, professional cut'.
And after telling me a quilt I made my hubby was 'beautiful', she announced yesterday it was ugly, and needed to be put away because it was ruining her beautiful chair. The chair is 30 years old, faded and so worn you can see thru the fabric.
In other words, I remind myself daily that I am taking care of the mom who has loved me all my life, even though we have switched roles. I put a note on my computer monitor; 'Be cheerful and kind, and then go live your own life.'
One lady in particular went to church and that was her "circle of friends". When she got past the obviousness of dementia she would cuss like a sailor and say obscene street words. Everyone was in shock and embarassed. We don't know if she "thought " those things before or if a switch just flipped and she became someone else. It was not medicine related either.
No
Maybe
Some can have personalities change. Some can become violent while others become more docile, kind.
Some remain the same.
With dementia it will depend on what parts of the brain are affected by the damage done.
It can depend on the type of dementia
Often with dementia "filters" or what hold us to the "norm" are lost or at least dropped a bit. This is why someone may become very interested in sex, begin swearing, become violent, begin to steal.
You have to keep telling yourself it is the disease that is causing this change.
If it becomes more than you can handle then getting caregivers to take over for you might be the best thing. In some cases where someone begins to wander or become violent placement in a secure facility is the best course. In some cases medication can help lessen the anxiety that might be the root of some of the triggers.
When I do this, I remind myself to not take things personally.
Their personality changes because of the disease. It is horrible getting old. Think about how their body feels. The elderly have pain much of the time. Their body does not function properly and they feel useless and feel like a burden to all. To make matters worse, now their brain gets broken.
Best we can do is be informed, be patient with them, love them and try to help them feel useful.