My mother has been in a "Bridge" level on an Assisted Living facility . "Bridge" means between independent and memory care. She is in the middle stages of dementia, with a happy inviting personality , who love to have people come to her house.
She has been in the assisted living fascility for 4 weeks. She is not doing well, she tells me she is afraid and does not know where her family is anymore. Her hands shake when I she first sees me and she tells me again how frightened she is. She has a service dog for the deaf and he cannot stay with her because she forgets to feed him and pick up after him. Therefore he lives with us and we take him to visit. This is the most painful of separations for her.
Now to my real concern, I see a dramatic change in my Mother's spirit, in her eyes and the way she looks at me when I visit. I have taken every seminar offered by the Alzheimer's association and by Ms. Teepa Snow, a most remarkable woman. I have also read all the recommended books. However, I know there is still more I can learn. But, I truly believe that this stay in the fascility has worsened my Mother state. She is quickly becoming like the other residents. Zombie like. I am sorry for such a cruel statement, but that is what I see happening to my Mother. We, my husband and I, are now contemplating returning her to our home and seeking full time in home care. I know, don't move them twice. But I can't bear to see her disappear in that place.
She has lost 9.5 pounds since she moved in and developed pneumonia. She is well now. However these events only strengthen my belief that my Mother and we will do better at home with a new arrangement. Your thoughts and suggestions please.
I have heard that some elders will tell their grown children that they dislike the place, are afraid, want to go home, etc. They try to guilt the grown child into having them live with the grown child.
Your Mom has only been in Assisted Care for 4 weeks, I have heard it can take months before the resident settles down. With your Mom being deaf, that can make the adjustment more complex. I think once she finds a resident who she can buddy around with, that will make a difference. Would the facility allow the service dog if your Mom hired a dog walker to feed and walk him? My Dad's Memory Care allowed dogs and dog walkers.
I really was lucky, as my elderly Dad was the one who wanted to move from his house into senior living. He was happy as a clam in his new "home", and I give credit to his private caregivers who helped him set a routine. The caregivers were the same gals he had at home, so that made it easier for him.
Then there is the cost. When my Dad had around the clock caregivers at his home it was costing him $20,000 per month, yes per month. The caregivers were from a private licensed Agency. Excellent caregivers. Once Dad moved into senior living that cost cut in half, and he was able to bring his favorite caregivers who worked morning with him. Same when he moved to Memory Care.
I suggest you give your mother at least a few more months. With any luck she'll settle in a bit and spring back to life in this new normal. That being said, my heart does go out to you. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'll share with you two things that made a huge difference with my LO who has dementia. She initially was placed in a regular AL. Soon her needs were too much for their care. She was not happy and it was apparent. She would worry, wouldn't eat much, cry, resist care and call me a lot. Two things happened that really improved her life. She was placed on anti-anxiety/depression med AND I moved her to a Memory Care unit. Both things changed her life for the better. She became content, energetic, positive and regained a great appetite. She told me she loved her little apt and that the people there were great. There she got hands on care and she seemed so much more comfortable with her surroundings. She seemed to sense that she was understood there. The staff are trained to work with dementia patients and it showed.
I would work with the facility to see what level of care that she really needs. Sometimes, it's difficult to face that there is progression to a higher level.
I would also have her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if medication can help her mood. The meds my cousin takes do not make her drowsy. She's very alert and scoots around the facility in her wheelchair throughout the day. She normally doesn't even sleep when they put her down for a nap in the afternoon.
I'd also read on this and other online boards of the stories about caring for family members with dementia in the home. Then, determine the cost it will entail to bring in help, since, it's really a 3 shifts a day thing. Is your mom incontinent yet, is she still mobile, does she pace, have sleep disorder, resist bathing, etc? I'd just figure out the details for her care, before you move her, since, if it doesn't work, you'll have to move her back to MC later.
I hope you are able to find the right thing for you and your mom.
Moving a parent into AL is never easy. After I moved my mom, she changed, but she is going to change and get worse over time that is the nature of this illness. Also there is a transition period for them to adjust My mom has Alzheimer's and bladder cancer. The cancer is worsening and she is now under hospice care, she has lost about 10 pounds and she does eat. Due to these circumstances I know placing her was the right thing. I did not want hospice in my home, I also work fulltime and cannot be a fulltime caregiver.
Look at the big picture: How old is your mom, how is her health, how is your health and financial situation? Are you able to provide for her when she gets worse and she will. The guilt will always be there. At times, I also think mom would be better off with me and at times I am glad she is where she is. There is no perfect situation. Sadly most people in these facilities want to go home. My mom now speaks of her childhood home and tells me she is going to live with her parents. Think this through, talk to staff about your concerns, don't make any rash decisions.
I'd also explore her physical health to see if anything else is going on. Depression can cause weight loss. They may check her for a UTI as well. Does she have pain that she is not able to verbalize. There are some ways to check that on the Teep Snow videos.
I'd check her for dental problems as well and make sure that she is able to eat the food they are serving. Are pieces too large or difficult to handle? Most Memory Care serve in small, easy to bite pieces.
You might consult with the staff about the activities. Are they engaging her and making her a part of the social events and activities?
I'd discuss this look that you describe as Zombie-like with her doctor and also revisit the material you read about the progression of dementia. Mental alertness will decline as their dementia progresses. I'd explore if that is something that you can stop. I used to be so glad that my LO retained her ability to converse, but, now that is going. Her normal conversations are now reduced and a conversation is not really possible. She now only gives a short answer or no answer. It's difficult to accept, but, I know that I can't stop the progression of the dementia.
I hope not to experience that with my mom, her wishes were not to be institutionalized and that is my goal for her. Now, will I succeed to the end, I don't know but I do know I will do everything in my power to make that happen. But, I am not sacrificing my own health. My health is first and then mom's care. It's been working great so far. Easy, NO, but it's working.
But I was recently backed into a corner by the POA and was told I had two months to figure out what to do because she was not providing but X amount of money for mom's care, the X amount being far less than adequate. In New York they have Community Medicaid which pays for in home care. They also only look back 3 months, and not 5 years. It's been quite the process but the end result has been a win. They have approved 24/7 in home care. My mom is in the later stages of dementia. So now it's moving on to finding the right people to fill the time slots. Even though I know this part of the process is going to be difficult, I have faith it will work out. The goal is to keep mom home.
Listen to your gut, talk with your husband, do what you both feel is the right decision and the one you can both live with. There isn't a right or wrong answer, it's just what it needs to be. Take care of yourself.
The staff tells me she seems to be adjusting and getting involved in some of the activities. When I go to visit on weekends, she tells me she doesn't like the other residents, that they are boring, that the activities (like Bingo) are "beneath" her, and asks if there is any chance that she can come back to the farm (where she complained about being lonely all the time). I give her the standard answer, that she is not safe alone, and that I have to work. And then I change the subject.
I'm not giving up on the facility. I have spoken to many of the other residents, who said they hated it at first, but are very happy there now. One woman told me it took her 18 months to be happy. Not all the residents have dementia, some have physical disabilities.
I think the other suggestions about hiring a dog walker to help with caring for her service dog is an excellent idea. Many of the residents where my mother lives have little dogs, and they tell me it makes all the difference. My mother's short term memory loss is too advanced for me to consider getting a dog for her and she does not even ask after my three dogs that she lived with for 3.5 years here.
Hang in there, 4 weeks is not long enough to make a proper assessment of how your mother is adjusting.
The past year has been difficult for us both and it is only recently that I have begun to see changes in her - she's 93 1/2 and much to my reluctance I had to agree to giving her an anti-psychotic drug - it is not easy to let go of the guilt
If you have energy and time and desire and you believe your mom is a sweet easy to handle soul then yes I believe she would be better off living with loved ones than with strangers
dementia is a long tiring journey and some progress faster than others - many who are younger than my mom at her facility have left this earth already and compared to a long suffering end they might be the luckier ones
Weight loss and pneumonia are serious issues and you have a right to be concerned
my mom has had a UTI nearly every month - it is really important to stay on top of their care - make friends with the hands on staff and med techs - these folks are your first line of defense not the administration - I often find her sitting in a soaked or soiled diaper and I have private aides with her 12 hours a day - the other 12 I'm holding my breath