My mum is a dual citizen and since her retirement years, has been going back and forth.
She came to live with me for what was originally planned as a year, this was benefit us both, I’d moved, started a new job, broken up with my partner and was saving to buy a place. It was thought that we’d both be better off living together rather than her renting on her own, she’d have cheaper rent and I could afford to save more. The year that she was meant to return to her birth country to live, my brother passed away. So we flew over there and organised all of that and it was then decided Mum would return with me as she was not in a good state. In the meantime Mum developed dementia which has spiralled down since the passing of my brother.
its been 2 years since the passing and we are at the stage where care home will soon be required. I’m caring for her and working full time at the moment.
What bothers me is whether this should be in her birth country OR the country she immigrated to? Before all this happened she was so set on living in her birth country that it’s hard to forget those words. But that was on the basis that my brother who passed was going to be there for her and she was fully independent.
pro’s and cons:
-There is more high standard rent alike care facilities in her birth country as majority of people do not own properties and any pension is paid monthly and matched to a percentage of past working income. There’s no lump sums at retirement unlike here.
-She’d have staff that speak her mother tongue and thus better able to communicate with her. Her English has become almost non existent as her dementia has progressed.
-She would be in her birth country that she has strong roots to. She has another son over there in a care facility.
-However, she’d be across the world from me and there’d be harsh, cold winters that she hates. I am the only family member that can lookout for her. She has cut ties with relatives long ago.
- If she stays here, the accommodation is probably not as high standard as things work different here. Most elderly care homes are for sale not rent, she doesn’t have 400-700k as she has no property to sell.
- She would find it hard to communicate her desires to the staff but I dare say, she’d probable receive more friendly care here, lol.
-I would be on call here and could visit her, take her out, lookout for her welfare.
So where do I go from here, what would be best for Mum?
I’ve tried asking her but she doesn’t understand the magnitude of the situation. She thinks she still has loads of time to cross that bridge.
I personally feel she would be happy here but interstate in a warm climate, sipping on her coffee, looking at nature while I’m able to visit but it’s hard to know what she’s thinking. Note: I’d also move interstate.
I should add at this stage I do not have POA as she hasn’t wanted to cross that bridge either. I’ve already told her that to even go overseas, she would need it as she struggles with writing.
So that’s another factor, whether the POA would be recognised in her birth country. If she was in her birth country, how much could I help.
does anyone have experience with dual citizenship and how they went about it?
I think without a shadow of a doubt that you want her to be happy. Your happiness is equally as important. Would you be miserable if she went back home without your brother there to oversee her care? I’m so sorry the loss of your brother. My mom buried a son too. It’s very hard for a mother to bury a child. I lost my brother years ago. My mom recently died and I am glad she is reunited with my dad and brother.
You can contact a social worker to learn exactly what services are available to her. Start with that. Sometimes, there are programs available that you may not be aware of. A social worker will guide you in the right direction for her future care. Make a list of everything before speaking with her. Share all of your concerns with the social worker.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
not to mention,.. as harsh as this sounds,.. when the time comes,.. I do not wish to go though another death/burial process in Finland. I had to do it for my brother 2 years ago due to Mum being in shock and it was just awful doing it in a country I’m not familiar with and no support from anyone else. I’ve grown up in Australia so although I speak the language, the processes and documentation language was difficult for me to understand.
I just don’t want to only think of myself and I’m just careful not to fall into that way of thinking when I want the best for Mum. Mum has another son in Finland who has been in a care facility due to slight disability. I sometimes feel keeping Mum here is robbing him of her but Mum is in no way capable of looking after him anymore even is she returned. In fact his probably on a higher mental capacity to Mum nowadays. His an eternal young teen while Mum is forgetful.
You have already found that elders often lose their first language. National groups here in Oz have set up facilities that have staff with their native language. It could be worth checking whether there are any similar situations available for your mother in the US. You may not have had much contact with the National social club or welfare association, but don’t assume that there isn’t one.
My local experience is with Greek migrants who chose to ‘go home to die’, after many years here, but they are usually returning to a village where they still have many relatives (and they have often sent money for years). We have some locals with parents from India, who stay long enough to qualify for the OZ pension and then go home with what is a very good income locally. They also usually have relatives, but they often go back and forward (like your mother has done in the past). Our Italian migrants often go back, then return to OZ disgusted that ‘Italy is just like Australia now’.
I think most migrants who ‘go home to die’ are of retirement age and can cope with the changes. I would guess that when your mother said ‘she was so set on living in her birth country’, she may have been thinking that things would be the same for her as they were in the past, not realising that she is older and things cannot be the same.
In your shoes, I think I’d invent a reason why she simply has to make a decision. Perhaps the reason is that you want to move to the warm climate yourself, and you need to know her plans. You simply can’t delay the decision. If she decides to go ‘home’, I think I’d not try too hard to set everything up for her there. There is a good chance she might change her mind, so treat a return as a trial run, and don’t invest too much energy into it.
You have my sympathy – and so does she! Love, Margaret
If TV or radio are on the list, have you sorted out all the new technology that means you can get it anywhere? We have locally produced foreign language TV and radio here, and my Greek neighbor Helen had it on all the time (which didn’t help her to keep her English!). Mostly Greek news and footage, just a bit of local and international (in Greek, of course). My DH Tony has just bought a mobile phone ap that lets you get any radio station in the world. You say ‘Hey Google play 5MU’ and it plays Murray Bridge radio (we are away from the farm so at last we have mobile reception, but he misses the farm’s local radio station). It’s surprising how easy it is to feel ‘there’ when what you are seeing and hearing is ‘there’. There may be other options, so it’s worth checking around.
I hope these ideas help a bit. At the least, perhaps you can have some enjoyable conversations about the good and bad bits of ‘home’. Yours, Margaret
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I was wondering if they would know if there was a Residential Aged Care where Finns have grouped together, like the Greek community have in Oakleigh. That would keep her close to you and maybe meet some cultural needs... as some other residents & families may speak the language?
Your situation is a hard one.
You know her previous wishes but then the situation changed. I am sorry for the loss of your brother. It is a big factor.
I suppose another factor is how advanced her dementia is & what type.
Unfortunately there are some who lose language skills faster than others. It is common to retain the childhood language the longest, but some people lose ability to comprehend & speak coherently in even their primary language. Then the care becomes more about visual clues, hand gestures & regular routines.
It may even be that the pandemic makes the decision for you at this time as international travel is so hard.
Not exactly within easy dropping-in-for-coffee distance, either.
It does occur to me that two years since you lost your brother and she her son is not very long. Are you sure that all of the deterioration you've noticed in her is dementia, and not grief descending into depression?
You are wise to look ahead. When she says she has plenty of time to think about the subject, is she just closing you down because she doesn't want to talk about it or is she really unrealistic about her abilities?
And yes I think she’s closing me down as she doesn’t like facing things, she never has. Even with my brother she kind of stayed in denial about him ever being sick. She would always downplay it and refused to read up about it or know the facts. He had a life threatening genetic heart condition and moderate COPD. He ended up getting sick and developed pneumonia. Upon searching for answers and when his doc signed the burial rights without an autopsy, The doc simple said “because it was evident, we already knew this was ahead” which was a further shock to Mum. Being a typical man he never informed us on the last couple of days how sick he was. He’d released himself from the hospital only to die at home. This we found out going to the hospital and the letters that followed from the hospital. Mum hates herself for not being there. I think deep down Mum knows what’s going on as sometimes when she lashes out she apologised later saying,.. it’s not me, it’s her,... that she just hates who she’s become. So there’s that self awareness but she will only admit to it at times. At times she is unrealistic about her abilities. I don’t think she really realizes or thinks how much help I am on day to day stuff. I try remind her, lol but think she takes a lot of it for granted,.. like the fact that I cook breakfast, lunch, dinner, remind about bills, help her grocery shop etc etc. I personally feel she’d be better off near me but I just want to know I’d be doing the right thing and not thinking selfishly.
She is in a LOVELY memory care facility.
I trust them. But, I still need to be able to check on her. I notice things that they don’t.
For example, she was stuffing tissues into the gaps on her window blinds. They wouldn’t have caught that this actually meant that she was terrified of people looking in at her.
I made a call to her geriatric psychiatrist, who is attempting to assuage her fears with medication adjustments.
The staff is understandingly busy. They catch the MAIN things, but I catch the little things.
My mother is having difficulty expressing and understanding ANY language at this point. The staff even speaks her language.
If I were in your position, considering the above, I would lean towards keeping my mother closer in location.
Best wishes.
If Mom goes back to Finland who will oversee her care? Are you going to try and do it from afar?
My DH felt I was a little selfish when it came to Mom. Her Daycare provided transportation. First day she told me that I could take her, she didn't like the bus. I said No. It was 36 miles a day going to and from. They picked her up at eight and dropped her off at 3pm. This gave me time to shower after she left and DH and me time to do something before she got home. If I took her I would have to get up earlier than her to shower. Then the time it took to get her there and back, would really eat into the time DH and I had.
I felt from the beginning of my caring journey, no help from brothers, that things would be done at my convenience. Facilities and doctors as close by as possible. Mom had "in home" in for PT/OT. PT wanted to be here at 8am. I told them that was when Mom got up on her own. To wake her any earlier confused her. Then it was getting her dressed and breakfast. I couldn't do it. So we agreed on 10am. (I am not a morning person)
So, if it would be easier on you to keep her where she is then do it. Her Dementia will progress to the point she will not know where she is. But you will be her constant. Even when she forgets your her daughter, you will be someone familiar.
There are a lot of foreign language apps around. Some will translate if you say a phrase, that could help them understand her. Maybe record some phrases for them? I don't know if this is a possibility, but if there is a college in your community, a student learning the language might enjoy some practice and you could hire for a few hours a week to go and speak with her.
Make it as easy on yourself as you can, first and foremost. Your mother's wishes were from a different time when she knew those places and could be independent. She needs to live where you can most easily manage her affairs now and in the future, so move her close to you.
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