How can I get my grandmother to understand that I need to live my life?
I am 33 and taking care of my 80 year old grandmother. I moved back from Paris France to New Mexico 7 years ago after my grandmother told me she was dying. I came to take care of her, but the longer I stay the more like a slave she treats me. She only continues to do less and less. She still says she is dying every day (but aren't we all?) even though her doctor says she is doing well. Her doctor is also part of the problem, he acts like I should drop everything for my grandmother, including my own health issues. I have been diagnosed with stage 3 NHL (lymphoma) and caring for my grandmother is severely hurting my health now. My grandmother does not seem to even acknowledge my health, nor does her doctor who actually one time told me to blow off my surgery to remove tumors from my lungs to get my grandmother's toenails cut, he totally acts clueless that if I die then she will have no slave left. My grandmother refuses to go to a retirement home, she insists that I have to take care of her or I am the worst person on the planet. I can only work part time while taking care of all of her needs and it is putting a strain on me financially, all the money I saved in Paris is gone now. Anytime I go out my granmother pouts and calls me names. To me it seems like she is a miserable person and she wants to make me as miserable as she is. Now that this is affecting my health, I need to find a way to cahnge this. I can no longer act as a slave for my grandmother, but I also know that if I just walk out the door she can't/won't take care of herself. Her doctor is no help, she plays the part of sweet, quiet old lady in front of him and he buys it. He also does not care for my health. I believe my grandmother needs to be placed in assisted living, but she has never been declared incompentent nor do I have any power of attorney. She won't listen when I try to talk to her. I am at the end of my rope and don't know what to do that will be good for her health as well as mine.
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Please remind yourself daily that you can only control yourself....SO TAKE CONTROL of yourself!
You have health issues, take care of them. Find someone who can look in on grandma, or take her to a area daycare, etc... Then if she refuses the alternatives that is her decision. Take care of your health issue. If need be don't ask her...inform her. Inform her doctor of the days you will be away from your grandmother, the days you need to recoup and not available to assist her, and if she refuses help...advise him of that and make it clear you will not be able to assist her from this date to that date. Then he is on notice of the situation.
When you get have recovered I'd get a calendar and inform grandma of when you are available and when you are not. It is up to you if her negative comments make you feel guilty or not. Offer to set up alternative care (some to come in and visit, etc..) and again if she refuses get over it. (I know that is written easier than it can be done.)
Consider getting her involved in something outside the home. Church, a community activity for her age group, bridge group, social organization, ... anything that will make her feel valueable and needed or with a purpose. Invite friends or family over to visit for tea, coffee, or brunch. If she has knowledge about cooking, a craft, gardening ask her to share the info with you and make her feel valueable.
Get her out of the home for drives. Help her to gain a life outside the walls of her home or bring a life to her within the walls of the home if her health dictates.
Maybe set it up so that she goes to the hair dresser every week at a certain time, has her nails (fingers and toes) once a month and when you get there take her in and drop her off. Have them call you when she is done and come back. Give her time on her own and it give you a break too. Get out the photo's and rework a photo album. Consider going to the movies on another night once a month, out to eat another night and share the time. She needs something positive to look forward too. And if she won't go then go yourself.
My advise is live. Try to help her to create a life to live. Take care of yourself. When necessary don't ask to discuss just inform.
The only one who can change here is YOU. You have to find the way to live despite the name calling, despite the demands. They have to mean way less than they do now. Whatever you would do if that bad behavior stopped -- do it now. It's time. Otherwise, you are waiting for "permission" from a woman who will never give it.
Where are other family members in all this? My guess is they, who did not get away like you did, are well aware of the swirling vortex of drama that granma is and avoid her like the plague. You are the new target for her and she know she can use a guilt trip on you. She's successful so far on it too.
My suggestion to to lay down the conditions to her, that you expect to have her share her financial situation with you and have the following done:
- Durable Power of Attorney (not just POA)
- Medical Power of Attorney
- Living Will &/or Advance Directives (DNR)
- Declaration of Guardian in Event of Incapacity
- HIPAA Waiver
- Will or a Living Trust
I'm a firm believer in having an elder care attorney take care of all this. It will not be expensive as most is done by the paralegals. You do want to go in prepared with what the information is for the documents (e.g. the residence located at 123 ABC street, aka parcel #5678; Ann Smith, wife of John Smith, with the info on all the births, deaths & prior marriages) as well as valid ID for the elder. If the decisions have been already made, this should all simple, straightforward paperwork. Should take 1 - 2 hrs for intake & then 1 hr a couple of days later for the signatures.
If gran has assets, then all this should be paid from her assets. You & another family member (as a second because you are going to get out of NM) should be named on all the documents so that you or them can do what is needed.
Start looking for IL places, at 80, she is still young and sounds like she is capable and cognitive. IL will be significantly less than AL too. I imagine she'll hate it and rant about it and what you've done to her, ignore it and think of being in the Metro.
You have got to look out for yourself first & foremost. At 80 she could live to her mid 90's and you'll be 45. Think about it. If you don't do what's in your heart you will be very bitter later on, that is not tres-chic in a woman, french or americaine.
Lived on Rue St Andres des Arts on the LB and those years were priceless.
I have looked into IL and she is not independent enough to qualify. And unfortunately the AL places with good ratings in town all have waiting lists of 1-2 years. I still have a few more to check out, but this is not looking promising.
And I need support and documents from her doctor and that is still a huge issue. He just does not seem to even listen when I speak. He does not understand that my health is important as well and that I can no longer phyically do what he and my grandmother expects. Yesterday I took her to the nurse practioner at her clinic and flat out asked for senior affairs refeeralls for these reasons and she just gave me a dirty look and said I don't think this situatoin calls for that. I now have calls into the state services, but that is a waiting game.
I am feeling like I am just going to have to walk away for them to understand. Maybe then her doctor will work on getting the resources needed to help her from outside the family.
Sincerely,
Jill