I have a elderly Aunt that I'm caring for.She's 88 and lives at home alone.She appointed me her DPOA about 6 months ago.She has me go to her bank to get spending money for her once and sometimes twice a week. Each time it's $300.
I have no idea what she does with her cash I get for her from the bank. But, somehow she's always short on money she says. I think she hides her cash then forgets where she placed it.
This is becoming a problem for me as her POA.How can I account for money she hides and then misplaces it?In turn this makes me look like the person taking her money.It's her money not my money.I shouldn't have to account for money she hides then misplaces.Why should I be the one to think of a accuse where her money went?While she seats back and worry free?Not fare to me.
In the last month I drawed out of her bank account for her $600.I only seen her with maybe $150 out of that $600.If this keeps going on,this will become into the thousands.I don't want that to happen.
She has full control of her checkbook.She feels she has no problems paying her bills on her own.I ask her many different times to let me handle her bills and checkbook.There's times to where she would agree to give me her checkbook to attempt to take charge of paying her bills.But,with her dementia she forgets!Then,she would attempt to accuse me of taking her checkbook.I don't want to go to jail because,of her dementia accusing me of taking her checkbook.
She's starting to accuse me of spending her money.She writes a check out for something.Two days later she accuses me of writing in her checkbook saying it's not her signature when it really is her signature in her checkbook.
When I do her grocery shopping for her.She never has cash to give me for her groceries.She tills me to use her debit card as credit because,she forgot her 4 dight pin to use as debit.Then,when her bank statements comes in the mail she accuses me saying what it all of these charges for."Accusing me".I'm getting tired of all of this stuff!..I'm helping her not abusing her or taking her money as she thinks I'm doing.What should I do?
Every situation is unique. Yours, mine, the next person. We care about what we are doing, we sacrifice, we take a lot of abuse. We don't always feel that we are qualified for the position -- believe me. no one would ever hire any of us to do the job we end up doing. We aren't qualified by any medical standards. Sometimes I think I wouldn't hire me. . . But we do the best we can because . . .
Caregiver or POA should never cash a benefits, pension, social security check. All checks should go into an account under the payee's name and that the POA should be on file with the bank.
Bills should be paid by check and any expenditures using a card, keep the receipt and be sure the receipt abbreviations are clear. If they aren't, immediately write in what was purchased. File them and keep them safe. Paper is your friend.
I take care of my mom's finances because she has dementia. It is very very difficult when they are used to doing as they please with money. She still thinks she has lots of money sometimes, but doesn't, it has all been used on assisted living, etc.
Keep a close eye on those who come in to do nursing care. Those who seem the most honest might be the ones stealing from her. That happened to us. When elderly person is resting or doing something, the aides have that opportunity to slip around and look for things, as in our case. If you could ever talk her into coming to live with you or something, you can keep a closer eye. Otherwise its is very hard. You can have her sign stuff, but then she might say she did not sign it, etc. with dementia, you can't win at all sometimes. Best for you to make things as transparent and lucid as you can on your part, so if anyone questions, they will have a better idea of what might be happening and not be able to accuse you.
If I were you I would get a conservator for her and that way it would be out of your hands and thus relieve any potential for suspicions on the part of some. Until then, you will always have to be sort of fearful that she might accuse you big time and get you in trouble. Set up cameras in her house to see what she's doing with her money, that's another idea. You can see if she's giving it away or something.
First: keep a diary. This was mentioned earlier by vegaslady. She is right. This will help you keep track of day to day transactions (and a total record of the decline) and will be your protection, should you ever need it, in the future. It will also help you communicate better with her doctor. That in itself if very important for him to determine how best to treat her.
Second: if necessary, do your transactions in front of a witness and LOG it. She will tire of this very quickly in the future, believe me!
Third: Fib. If she wants say $200, per petzva, give her $20 or $40 of "your" money out of your pocket and say you will give her the rest when you get a chance to get to the bank. She will forget this transaction. But she will remember have gotten some money.
And lastly, if it looks like she really isn't managing the checkbook very well, take it away from her (not physically), but it can go "missing" one day (I had to do that with my MIL's passbook); "oh, my gosh, Auntie, what did you do with your checkbook? Did you loose it again? Do you want me to help you look for it?" She definitely will NOT want you 'messing with her things" and will spend the time looking for it -- probably coming up with a stash or two of the cash she hid and forgetting what she was looking for in the first place. (Stashing is classic dementia - it will drive you nuts! Just expect it.). You are going to have to control the situation making it look as if she did this not you. She can accuse you, but it doesn't matter: You have the power of attorney.
I went through many of the same scenarios while caretaking two aunts and a current mother in law. I was accused of trying to poison one with fish I made for her for dinner (left the skin on which was normal until she determined I was dropping it on the floor then putting it back on the plate with the dirt on it. Try explaining that to the family members she called!); my current loved one one day took all her pills (4 different kinds of High Blood pressure type) and dumped them on the kitchen table . . .and not a few on the floor, then tried to 'select' which one's she should take (that was an eye-opener) -- fortunately she got frustrated and called me to help her figure it out (whew!). I was obligated to take everything away from her. Big fight. Many accusations. But is saved her life and probably the dog's. She has accused me (to every other member of the family) for years of trying to take her house away from her (I live there) when I cut the grass, bring her her meals, clean her apartment, take her dog for grooming, etc., etc. This one is tougher and meaner than her two older sisters combined.
As tryinghard54 says, the POA gives you the right to act in your loved ones best interests.
Taking care of someone in this condition must be considered a job and a responsibility, but cannot ever be an emotional binge. From the sounds of it, you are doing the right thing by your Aunt.
Good luck. And from now on, no more guilt.
Understandable, thanks!
Sounds like I need to slow down on going to her bank to get her spending money for her.Rarely does she go anywhere.She has a caregiver & nurce that comes twice a week to see her.Maybe she's tipping the helpers who knows.
When someone cashes a retirement check for their elderly loveone as all POA's do.There is no proof that shows that the elderly recieved the cash from that retirement check other then who 's Signature and Memo.Other then that there is no proof that they recieved the cash.It is her money in her account.By rights she is allowed to do what she desires to do with her money.My job a her POA is to get her money from her bank to her hands when needed or asked to do.Any shopping/spending I do for her I keep all recepts for my records.If my Aunt ask me to go to her bank for her to get her $200 in cash so she can have spending money.That is what the POA is used for.When elderly people can't no longer do it for them selves.If I lived with her or if she lived with me I would know what she does with her cash.But,I don't live with her.I'm not their 24/7 to know if a visitor stopped bye and asked for money or if she gave money to someone.All elderly people hide money that's a fact.It's just unfare for POAs to be pointed towards when money is missing from dementia elderlies actions.