82 mother moved into our home, from hers, after falling back to back, breaking a few bones and spending a several weeks in a rehab center. Staff says she shouldn’t live by herself anymore, due to cognitive decline. She is getting to be a lot of work to properly care for her and I’m not sure how long this can go on. I help some with meals and housework, wife deals with getting her dressed, showers, meds etc. We both still work, as well. We have someone come over during the day. Advice?Advice?
Only you can decide if your mom living with you can work. You can look for resources such as Meals on Wheels, Adult Day Care, and an aide/companion. Other things to consider is are there personality issues, how much she can do for herself, how mobile is she or is she needing assistance at night. Are you trying to do too much? My mom liked staying in her pajamas, so being homebound, why not (and one less time to change) Are there nearby famiy members who can help or give you a break...or is there a place that provides respite care?
Of course the other option is to find a facility for her to live in. I wondered what I would do if my mother's care became too much. After a hospitalization she went to rehab. It wasn't a good experience, I signed her out early (and got Visiting Nurse services at home) and knew I wanted to avoid this option. They were short staffed and used contract help and that seems to be common.
Hope you can find arrangements that work for everyone!
While your mother is still able to acclimate to a new environment move her into one. Find an AL facility.
As it so often happens with a woman who does not work outside the home. People take this to believe that she is available for everyone's child and elder caregiving needs.
You don't have to do it all single-handedly. If your mother likes to be involved in activities, put her in adult daycare a few days a week. You don't have to do it all alone.
If your mom is open to the idea of being in an assisted living situation DO IT ASAP!
I do find it difficult, but not every day. I would not even dream of putting her into a care home, I have worked in many and I have seen horrendous attitudes towards the elderly.
You have done the right thing and you should be proud of yourself.
I do get woken up alot, but they have just put her on to a low dose of melatonin. hoping it will help. So I sleep when she sleeps. no matter what time of day.
It's a very American and British thing to do. is to put parents into care homes. Other countries this isn't a thing. families come together to help look after there aging parents
Ask family members to help out, if possible, I do have a carer who comes in once a week so I can go out and breathe.
Don't feel guilty about your bad days, or your patience was not great. You remind yourself that she is at home.loved and cared for by her own family not strangers.
Find time for yourself no matter how small that time is. Find what relaxes your mum. Mu mother loves old musicals so we watch alot of those and cooking shows. We go out for long walks in parks in her wheelchair and cheap places for lunch. This help both of us get out of the house and stress also boredom of staying home.
But please remember what you are doing is honourable and you won't regret it when you look back on your life and your mother has gone
I wish you love
Angela in Coventry UK
I’m in the US and I can’t quit my job. I’m helping support my own family, raise my young kids, and fund my own retirement and healthcare. I’m sure your situation isn’t easy by any means, but it’s a luxury to be able to quit and manage a loved one’s care and not an option for many of us for many reasons. I just felt I needed to push back against the stigma of residential care here because fear of judgement and a negative view of residential facilities keeps people from accessing the support that both they and their loved ones need. My mother is doing very well in her assisted living facility and I still spend a lot of time and energy supporting her. She loves the staff and she is clean and well cared for in a private room.
To the OP, I recommend taking some tours of assisted living facilities or other facilities depending on what is possible financially and with her support needs.
Now that you have learned how much work it is to help care for her, you definitely need to hire home care aides to help! Use mom's money, not yours.
You say you have someone who comes over during the day. Why are you and your wife getting mom showered, dressed, and making her meals? The person who comes to the house when you are gone should be doing ALL of that! If they are not, get someone else! You can also hire additional help to tend to her needs even when you are home. It can feel a little awkward having an extra person in your home, but if you find the right person, and set clear boundaries (let them know they are there to do a job, not to hang out with you!) they may be able to alleviate some of your stress. It might be worth hiring a housecleaner to come once a week, or twice a month, just to take something off your plate and let you spend more quality time with mom and tend to her needs.
Where was your mother living prior? She may not be able to go "home" again, ever. It is time to look into assisted living, if she qualifies. Her needs may be beyond what assisted living can provide, and require a skilled nursing home, or memory care, if that is appropriate for her.
You may be able to accommodate her comfortably in your home for a little while, but use this time, right now, to set up tours of at least 3 care facilities. Go on your own, without mom, first. You don't want to scare her by visiting one that looks bad. They will have an admissions director who will be happy to meet with you, answer questions, and provide a tour. Once you find one you like, then you can take mom, if you feel the need for her opinion. Almost Everyone says they don't want to go to a nursing home, they want to stay in their own home.
At some point, you just need to make the best decision for her.
- you are finding it hard to manage work and looking after her properly
you have made some enquiries and found a really nice place
that has someone able to watch over her and look after her day and night
nothing will change in sense you will visit her as often ( to settle her in)
but she will be looked after properly by trained medical staff ?
( maybe you can explore a couple and tell her when you’ve found somewhere - good luck
Emphasize you want her to have proper, professional staff handling her care needs 24/7. You want her to be where there are medical staff on site, in case anything happens. You have realized this and need to make proper arrangements for her. Remind her you only want the best for her, and you now realize that you seriously can't provide it. Even a daily aide visit is not enough. It sounds pretty hard for your wife, bearing the brunt of her MIL's care while working full time.
Hopefully Mom doesn't have that old fashioned idea of a "home" being an asylum, or possible prison cell. You need to get the ball rolling, the longer she stays with you, it will be harder to move her out. You will end up trapped in caregiving for years and the stress will be hard to tolerate. Hiring 24/7 caregivers for Mom in her house will be way too expensive.
Good luck!
You sell her home andbyse the proceeds for her care.
You already took mom into your home.
Now is the time to consider if this can be done, if this works for all involved, or not.
If it does, you will learn as you go, all the while knowing to expect the unexpected with aging changes and increasing needs.
At present you are caring for your mother in home.
It is for you all to discuss together if this works, or does not.
If it does not, then placement in-facility is really the only option.
If I had it to do over again, I would have put my mother and my sister in a care facility very close to my home so that my own obligation would have been visits and room decoration and doing the things that would make the situation a happy one. And other people would have managed medications and general healthcare.
I would also like to say that, even if your mother is in a facility, there will still be plenty for you to do. Most likely you will still be the ones who take her to all of her outside doctor appointments. I was surprised at how little medical care was actually offered at the AL my family members were in. There were still many outside obligations. And unless your loved one is mentally very sharp, going to the doctor alone on the provided van won’t cut it.
We used a Christian healthcare service that was in the area to handle many general things for my sister. I chose to put my sister in in a assisted living facility, and then instead of paying for the care levels there, I had an outside agency go to the AL and handle showers, general cleanup, laundry, and changing linens. It was much cheaper to do it that way; so just AL rent plus outside care. Perhaps the outside care people would be enough at this time if you have them come to your home.
It was helpful for me to sit down and make a physical list of the things that had to be done and then go from there. I was feeling so overwhelmed that it all felt totally out of control; it helped me a lot to really define the situation and develop steps to attack the problem. If I had to use one word to describe my feelings about my family members’ care, it would be “overwhelmed”. I truly did not know how to do any of this, didn’t know where to start and had no one to even ask questions. This forum was a godsend for me. I didn’t really post very much, but was able to search the posts over the last years and got lots of good guidance from other people who had already walked this path.
They aren't suppose to provide medical care. They do exactly what their name says, assist.
Place her and become her son once again, not her caregiver.
She will be around ppl her own age and have activities to keep her busy if she so chooses.
One does not have to sit in the row seat to care for a loved one.
Sending support your way.
Please admit to yourselves that mom needs to be in professional 24/7 care at a facility where they can care for her in the way she deserves. Start looking now before the next health problem with her occurs. Then you’ll be prepared for that step.
I am sorry that you and your wife are going through this.