We (myself and two brothers) live in Iowa and our elderly mother (79) has recently become very mean and very aggressive toward us. We haven't been able to get her to her physician because she refuses to go but she is often very threatening to us verbally especially with regard to her will. Currently my brother is the power of attorney/healthcare via her trust but mother is the trustee so she threatens to change it all the time so random people like the person at the bank, or the mailman, or whoever.
She keeps bringing up things like people who are in the celebrity industry do not leave their children anything so she then threatens to leave all her belongings to charity like they do.
Her estate is sizeable so it is something we are all concerned about. Not to sound crude but as her children and as she took the time to legally will everything to us and we all have helped her our entire lives and in her elderly years for her now to be suddenly acting this way is concerning.
She had cancer a number of years ago and we do have a fear it has possibly came back or possibly metastasized to her brain or that perhaps she's developed dementia. Either way we do not know if legally my brother could prevent her from making these ludicrous changes to what boils down to our inheritance or if he needs to seek legal help before seeking medical help (again she refuses to go to the physician).
Mom’s competence as to changing legal papers tbd on what doctors find .
It seems that you're forgetting that as long as your mom is still alive it is HER money and NOT your inheritance.
Do you mean she gets physically aggressive? Or just verbally abusive? If she makes threats to you (in person) or comes at you, then please call 911 and tell them she isn't acting like herself and may have an untreated UTI or other health issue (do NOT mention dementia since this is not considered a medical emergency since it is not treatable or curable).
Your brother the PoA should also go to the ER with his paperwork and begin advocating for her. He needs to make it clear to the discharge team that she is an "unsafe discharge". If her testing comes back negative on all fronts, then it may be possible to get her in a 72-hr "hold" in the psych wing to see if she might comply with medication for her agitation. If she "showtimes" well they will release her back to her home (and no one should take her there -- let the hospital deal with her).
Really I can't think of any other options if she's managing most of her ADLs and no one outside the family is having trouble with her behavior. You can ask to have the police to wellness checks on her, and what this does is let the authorities know that you are trying to take care of her but she's not allowing it. You may need to just wait for a medical event big enough to send her to rehab or transition directly into a facility.
I agree with others to ignore her baiting and manipulations regarding her Trust and Will. She may not get up the energy to go do it, and an attorney may recognize that she may not have capacity to be doing it.
Many years ago when my own Mother threatened to write me out of her Will (for religious differences) I told her to "go ahead, it will be a relief to not have you try to control me that way anymore". She never did it and she respected my beliefs.
I'm sorry your family is going through these difficulties with her. May you receive wisdom and peace in your hearts as you try to help her in the best ways possible.
If you wish to remain slave to her threats hoping you will eventually receive her funds, then I wish you the very best of luck. To me that is making bargains with the devil. I would be out of her general premises so fast her head would spin and she could give her money to the Funding for Ferrets for all I would care.
You are a grownup. I respect your right to make your own decisions for your own life and wish you the very best of luck playing games with this old bat.
She sounds like dementia may be starting, or Mom is sick of hearing about her Will and feels her kids are being greedy, caring about money more than her.
If she won't go see her Doctor, she won't go see her lawyer either. With sudden bad behaviors, it usually is a UTI. Buy some test strips from a drugstore for her to try. Or offer to take her to a local Urgent Care.
myself and my two brothers have built our own lives successfully and have never taken advantage of my mother in any way and when she set up her trust years ago she made it a point to tell us all that us three children inherit everything. Which is fine.
my brother is in charge and takes care of all her needs and is always keeping us in the loop. No one has ever given her a reason to be angry about anything and we’ve always be an extremely close family.
my biggest concern is her health. We don’t want to lose her but of course know that that day may come and it’s hurtful that she’s almost wanting to purposely cause friction and fighting by even bringing up things like her will.
we never bring it up - she does.
anyway I don’t think the responding people here are understand completely why I posted. Anyway thank you.