I have lived in a condo complex next door to three elderly family members (not MY family members, to be clear) for about 18 years - Jane, her sister Sue, and Sue's husband Joe. Joe passed away 4 years ago, and Jane passed in December last year, leaving Sue alone. Sue is 78 years old but in many ways has the mental faculties of a much older person.
A couple of weeks ago Sue came to my door crying, saying that she's trying to figure out who owns the condo now, how her daughter won't speak to her, how anyone she calls hangs up on her and how the condo board is rude to her. She had mentioned thinking about writing a suicide note, so I sat down and let her talk - for three hours. It was mostly in circles...she would bring up the same 3 or 4 topics every few minutes and tell me the same thing again and again. I let her just talk away, asking the occasional question to let her know I was paying attention - but much of what she said didn't make sense and seemed to come from a place of paranoia. By the end of 3 hours she had calmed down quite a bit.
She had briefly mentioned having a new great granddaughter a year ago and having never seen her - I am pretty good at tracing lost family members, so I spent the better part of that weekend tracking down her granddaughter, who told her mother (Sue's daughter) and said that the mother would be up to visit and evaluate what to do with Sue.
This past week I've checked in on Sue every other day and sat and let her talk for 2-3 hours at a time. I brought her some of her favorite chili, which she mentioned in passing a long time ago, and helped clean up a little bit of her condo, which is a bit of a hoarding zone. I have tried not to bring up her family because I didn't want to know I was involved in any way with communicating with them, until yesterday Sue brought up that her daughter came up a couple of days ago, was "badgering" Sue, got into an argument with her and left. I asked Sue to define badgering and she would just start crying for half a minute, then go on like normal talking about other things. This is another thing she seems to do - start crying and then flips it off like a light switch.
Yesterday she told me I'm the only one she trusts, and asked if she can call me if she needs to ask questions about life. I made sure to tell her that I may not always answer as I have work and other life stuff but I would do my best. It seems like - to her - everyone has betrayed her and I'm sure at some point she will feel that way about me for the most random thing.
She never brought up the suicide thing again, thankfully - but I'm wondering if there's some resource I can look into for her. I don't have the money to support or pay for service for her and it seems her family isn't super involved in her life, so I'm curious what I can do to help her, if anyone has ideas. Thank you for reading my rambling wall of text, and for any help you can offer.
I would suggest to daughter that at the least SHE make daily contact as wellness check; and if she cannot reach her mom she should call authorities in your area.
Step away. You cannot help and you may be hindering her getting much needed care.
Take heed.
Be careful.
Does this neighbor also drink? (You have smelled it on her breath.)
Now that APS has been called in for help, the best you can do for your neighbor is to keep a very low profile, be less available.
Understand that NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED.
Your heart is in the right place, but admit, this burden has you a bit on edge, and thinking about your neighbor's plight just a bit too much, distracting you from your goals, your work, your sleep? You did the correct, brave, and right thing by calling for her. She may not have much time for you now, even if it is only temporary.
BTW, there is another neighbor just down the street from you who has already exhausted all friends, family, and available resources and needs to talk to you for about 3 hrs. Asks if you will run to the store to pick up some bourbon and apple turnovers. Are you available?
Apologies for presenting the downside. But when I read this, I can hear my
former neighbor's voice speaking. Her daughter came and took her away, she had a diagnosis of Alzheimer's caused by alcoholism.
Maybe go help someone who needs help, not someone who is using and manipulating you. imo.
I'm not sure if she's manipulating, or if she needs someone to talk to, but she does need some help.
But you are right, I did what I could and need to go back to my life and not always having her in the back of my head. Yesterday I injured my foot and she tried holding me up to talk and I politely declined and told her I needed to rest. It took two tries but it worked.
Her daughter is coming back into town next week so hopefully she has some kind of plan in mind.
Please, do not involve yourself anymore than you have. You did the right thing in finding her help. Her daughter should be helping her now.
My mantra " I am here to help people find a way, not be the way".
P.S. 9 years ago I hired an Elder Lawyer for my Mother and it cost my Mom $5,000.
It would be good to find an Elder lawyer for her locally, to see about the condo ownership situation first. They probably all owned it together and title paperwork needs to be done. The people left behind are usually unaware about getting the deceased names off the title. She probably has Medicare, and should see her Primary doctor for a referral for grief counseling, or possible depression.
You, as a very kind neighbor, should NOT be paying for any medical or legal issues for her. She owns property and is not destitute. The best thing to do is some research for her to get her back on track. Give her the tools to do what needs to be done. She's stuck in grief mode and needs some direction.
According to her, she contacted an Elder lawyer and he told her "You can't afford me". This is coming from her so I'm not sure what to believe. Everyone she's brought up in a story is "against her" one way or the other.
I did hear back from my state's aging center and they told me that reports to them get passed on directly to APS. I am hopeful they will provide her with info and/or care she needs. I certainly cannot afford legal or medical fees for her.
I wish you peace in your heart as you watch and wait.
I've known her for 18 years - not super well, but well enough to know that she's taken a turn lately, so even if they don't deem her situation as bad enough, I'm hoping they can do something to help improve her quality of life - whether it's providing a caregiver or something else. I certainly don't want to enable her but I don't mind lending an ear occasionally.
So, in being dragged into all the mess, and constantly being pressured to get aunt into a facility, to which she fought constantly against, I stepped away from it. Aunt, aunt's neighbor, family close by were wearing me thin trying to get me to take it all on.
So, long story short, aunt's neighbor has moved on and away from the neighborhood, I have stepped away, aunt no longer trusts me, either, and aunt now has a caregiver coming in from time to time set up by my cousin.
It's easy when you have a kind heart such as yourself and myself to get dragged into this. I tell you like others to set boundaries. She probably gets into arguments with her family because they want to put her into a facility and she probably refuses to go. Set boundaries for yourself and don't get sapped into this.
I did let her know that I will not always be available but if she wants to vent and I have time, I will listen. But I won't get in in the habit of bringing her things and doing things for her. I hope APS will pay her a visit.
You are going to get a lot of really good advice here about how you might be able to help this neighbor.
But frankly, the person I am most concerned about in this scenario is - you.
My advice may sound cruel and heartless, but it needs to be said nonetheless.
It is very kind of you to want to assist your neighbor, but please - make sure you establish some very rigid boundaries, and stick to them, even if your neighbor won't. That means: when the phone calls start coming fast and furious, when Sue is knocking at your door all hours sobbing, when you are getting more and more requests to do things for her - know in your mind what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, and STICK TO THOSE BOUNDARIES!
This is what so often happens in caregiving - you get pulled into the rabbit hole, one chore at a time. "It's only one ride..."; "It's only one grocery store trip..."; "It's only one load of laundry..." and so on, and so forth until your life slowly disappears into the ether while this other life becomes first and foremost in your universe. And the next thing you know, you're on the "list" of the family members and the doctors and the hospitals as the first person called; and then you become the one expected to be the caregiver when Sue is released from the hospital when she really shouldn't be because she has "support" at home.
Keep in mind - Sue has a family. There is usually a reason WHY someone is estranged from their ENTIRE family, and it's not usually the fault of all the other family members. Could her family just be extremely obtuse and have their heads in the sand that mom isn't really as bad as all that - oh sure, that can be the case. Or mom could have chased away Every. Single. Offer. of help to the point that her family refuses to stand by anymore and watch this insidious decline helplessly. BUT - either way, if there is a warm body (that's you) ready to stand in for Sue, there aren't going to be a whole lot of people who will advocate for YOU when you are losing your life to caregiving for this woman.
I think you're a very caring soul, and that's commendable, but PLEASE!!! don't let yourself become so enmeshed in this caregiving net that it drags you to the bottom and drowns you!
You aren't qualified to treat her mental illness. She has expressed suicidal ideation. You truly need emergency help now for her and proper assessment. Provide the phone number of the relatives to APS.
Were I you, in all honestly I would involve the condo assn. Together you should be reaching out openly to APS without worry about "who is reporting".
She says they are "rude". This means they are in contact and aware on some level about how bad things are, but likely not aware enough. They clearly know something is wrong here.
Again, this isn't something that you can take on as a neighbor or a friend. This is a senior gravely ill who is in serious trouble. Your entire condo complex could go down in flames from the Assn and others aware of the danger she's in trying to "help her".
I am keeping boundaries with her - there is no way I could possibly take her to doctor or shopping excursions as I work days and sometimes evenings. If she calls me while I'm out or with family, I don't pick up.
I reached out to my township's elder care/APS via two separate emails they provided, and will actually call them if I get no response.
You are providing a bit of talk therapy for Sue. There are therapist who will talk to her over the phone if she doesn’t drive. Medicare will pay for ongoing therapy depending on her policy. My friend rescued her sister in a similar situation after her sisters DH passed. She was about to lose her home to a “social worker”. Friend contacted the Area Agency on Aging and her sister’s insurance. They were both great in getting a plan in place to get her sister started on therapy and find her a psychiatrist who managed her meds. Her sister didn’t have dementia but some sort of mental condition made worse by the isolation.
Another gov resource is APS. Depending on how this plays out, you might want to let them know that Sue is a vulnerable adult living alone, if that is an accurate description. They may or may not contact the daughter.
Be careful that you don’t become a resource that Sue relies on too heavily It’s a fine line between being neighborly and propping up someone who needs more help than you are able to provide. Sometimes it’s better to let her needs be made more visible in order for them to take action. Not that she doesn’t need the help, she obviously does. If there is a senior center nearby, Sue might find some friends to meet for lunch or a friendly place to spend some time.
Area Agency on Aging is where I would start. Perhaps they can help her get to a doctor and see if her medication is correct for her current situation. It sounds like she needs medical help the daughter may not be willing to manage.
EDIT;
I just saw your question on can the call be anonymous. In my area, yes. Just ask when you call. They won’t report back to you either way. Sue may be upset and suspect you called, but she needs help.
I know one of the board members called the city (or some other resource) to report hoarding and they called Sue but never came out. I'm not sure how true the events are as they came from Sue herself but the state of her condo alone is no way to live.
She might have a history of mental illness, or she might have dementia. I would report her to APS if her family doesn't intervene very soon. Also when well-meaning non-family members intervene in these situations they can become suspect to family, especially if Sue tells confabulations or has a faulty memory.
Unless family shows up to intervene tomorrow, I would report her to APS and I would call the family and tell them you are concerned enough for Sue to do this and make sure they understand that you are not willing to be responsible for her any further.
If the family sees you as a solution they won't act fast enough to help Sue. They will become complacent.
Bless you for helping her.
If there is a local Senior Service Center you can call there and express your concerns. Most have a Social Worker that will take the call and they are mandated reporters as well.
You are a good neighbor for being concerned but this can get real involved and complicated so try to pass this on to people well equipped to deal with this.