My 75 year old father is in a lot of debt. His only income is aged pension and owes $30000 (US) across 3 maxed out credit cards. He still sends $310 a month to two ladies overseas - one he has been supporting for years,the other he met online a few years ago. Most of the credit card debt is from spending money on one lady in particular and her children (one of whom is now an adult). He was visiting regularly. At the time he started doing this he was working - he basically moved them out of poverty into a much more comfortable life with their own rental house, power, internet etc that he was paying for. But he ended up losing his job when he was 70 as he no longer passed the medicals so retired. He didn’t adjust his spending and continued to give them a lot of money until he ran into debt
He doesnt really see an issue. Rather then saying he’s out of money etc, he will start hinting at me (talks alot about when next pay day is, or makes fantasised reassuring statements like ‘I’ve only got 5 slices of bread left but it’s ok that will easily last me a week’ ( which it doesn’t). So I picked up there were issues and have seen his bank and credit card statements. They are all maxed out and over limit once the fees are added at end of month. He pays the minimum and then withdraws straight away on the cards (he refers to this as the bank giving him money back, which is just annoying). I found out he’s been pawning stuff to make ends meet, and the interest has been ridiculously high. I think he paid back three times what the items are worth. He’s then resorted to asking me for money to buy essential grocery items and obviously I have given it. Despite this, he still ended up in hospital recently as he fainted at shops, they thought he had a heart attack but turned out to be from not eating which he told me was because he didn’t have money, and he doesn’t know how that happened he’s usually fine etc etc. He always tries to put a positive spin on the situation.
I recently set up a meeting with a financial counsellor with him present, and received guidance on how to approach creditors for more manageable payment plans. However the creditors are awful to deal with, and they all want to see what arrangements are in place with other creditors, so it just goes around in circles.
Im starting to feel really stressed. He doesn’t want to talk to creditors and wants me to do it, but I’ve always got to do it at his house as they want authorisation to talk to me each time. There’s always more documents to send them but no resolution.
Another thing the financial counsellor mentioned is that he should reduce how much he sends overseas to look after his own long term health (he originally denied to financial counsellor that he was sending money but it’s clear on bank statements, so then he admitted it). He’s now told this lady that he will need to reduce the amount he sends but she says she needs more. She does have a part time job now days and one of her children is now an adult. They live a better lifestyle than him and I feel that it needs to be a bit more balanced. He thinks if he reduces money they will be homeless and the kids might be taken away etc. He’s living in extreme poverty yet although they live in a disadvantaged country, they have money for private schools. He also told her that it is me who said he needs to reduce money he sends, so I feel like I get the blame for trying to help. I’m like the ‘not fun’ person because I talk about spending and budgets and not getting involved in scams etc, while he prefers to live in denial. He is very familiar with scams and always picked up on them in the past, but now he keeps signing up for them, I just had one of his cards reissued because he gave it to a dodgy site site. Thankfully the bank blocked the larger transactions. He owns his house with no mortgage
Theres no other family except myself and I feel really stressed and tired. I feel irritable at times and I have work and family commitm.
I would say sell his house and pay off the debts then shred the cards. Find him a nice one bedroom apt for low income. Tell him the only way you can help him to live on what he gets, is to make you conservator. This will give you access to his money and he can't touch it. You will be responsible for paying his bills out of his money. If ur in the States you can become payee of his SS and maybe pension. You will set up an acct that only you can access.
You then write these two women and tell them you are now in charge of Dads money. Because he no longer works, he can no longer send money to them. The money he receives only covers his living expenses.
I would see a lawyer with what are the steps (and costs) you need to do.
Here I don't know really who isn't doing clear thinking because to me the choices of both Dad and Daughter are almost equally out of synch with reality. But neither is likely to meet criteria for Dementia. Just in my opinion.
My father is currently supporting a least one woman from El Salvador with children there. He gave her 1000.00 to buy clothes for them.
There is not a thing I can do about it.
My suggestion would be that you stop dealing with the creditors, and in fact you suggest that one of them starts debt recovery proceedings. F is not going to change through your tactful suggestions. Let him blame the creditors rather than you. I also suggest that you stop ‘drip-feeding’ him when he asks or hints that you should subsidise him. Write a brief summary of the situation to explain when he faints from lack of food and people blame you. The legal system may be the best and quickest way to sort out what is a debt problem.
Take a lot of care to make sure that the creditors do not get the idea what you are responsible for any of this.
Then you say "OBVIOUSLY I give it to him".
I honestly don't know how to respond as regards TWO people making such horrid decisions. Both YOU and your father.
So I will say this:
You are an adult. If you wish to enable and foster this horrific behavior or your fathers, then that is your decision.
In no time at all you will BOTH be broke.
That makes me very sad for you, but there would be little I could say or do to change it.
We have a right to use our money however we choose. Your father has chosen to give his to these women. You choose to give yours to him.
So be it. I wish you the very best of luck; I hope you will rethink how you spend your own money, as it will take a lifetime of saving, coupon clipping, working hard and having good luck to save enough to take care of you in your elder years.
Is it a private arrangement, or a kind of sponsorship through a charity? If it's through a charity, you can approach them with the same information. Does he send the money by check, or an app like Venmo, or what? There should be some way to get the payments shut off, even if it's intercepting the checks in his mailbox and throwing them away. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.
If he were in the States we'd advise you to report him to APS and not give him another penny no matter what because this is delaying the only solution for someone who obviously has impaired judgment: that they become a ward of a 3rd party court-assigned legal guardian. Then, all his debt pretty much means nothing. But that's here in the States. Not sure what the options are for where he lives.
By you continuing to buy his groceries or anything else he says he needs, and by you stepping up to try and solve his financial woes by speaking to creditors, and you having his credit card reissued, when it should be HIM doing all of this, he will continue on this slippery slope. That my dear is called enabling.
It is like someone complaining that their parent drinks too much yet they are the one buying the alcohol for said parent.
Your father is a grown man and it's high time that he learns to live with the choices that he makes, bad as they are. He is NOT your responsibility. It doesn't matter that there is no other family but you, these are his choices and he needs to learn to live with them. And sadly because you keep interfering he never will.
It's time to step away and let the cards fall where they may. And don't you dare rush back in to try and pick up all those cards when they fall either.
Let him declare bankruptcy, but whatever you do, do not subsidize him. He is not a good risk. He is looking at you as an ATM. You will eat through your money and destroy your future.