I live in an Eastern European country where the elderly are usually taken care of by their families. My 81 year old mother to whom I have never had a good relationship due to her controlling behaviour, depression and unhappiness after my father's death led me to seek my own happiness far away from her. She had a different plan for myself and when that failed she made my 11 years of marriage a living he'll. In short my former MIL gave me everything from respect to peace of mind and trust while my own mother made my life a living he'll because my former husband didn't want to have anything to do with her. While he figured out who she was, I was torn between my husband and my mum. My marriage eventually ended because I had my own fault in managing relationships due to her lack of affection and support. She then lived her life, travelled and never thought about aging. Till the day she fell ill and I had to rescue her.She is so stubborn and controlling that I can't reason with her and she wants to go back to her house, refusing a nursing home. I can only have her in my house for a short period of time, I work two jobs and I am alone and we don't have any family. I'm exhausted and my anxiety has rocketed since I brought her here. He keeps complaining about her hard life and how she sacrificed her life for her kids and she said she believed she would simply die one day without knowing. I have been telling her for years that she should think about her age and her house and to put her things in order but she did nothing. She kept saying after me the deluge. I feel guilty but at the same time I warned her and she kept treating me like a child although I am in my 50s. I simply can't talk to her without having panick attacks and nausea. She's never been happy with my accomplishments though I am a highly regarded teacher in my community. I don't know what to do but I want to put her on her feet and send her home. But this tears my soul.
I regret it .
Send your mother back and live your own life . You have nothing to feel guilty about . You did not make your mother old . You can’t be her solution for not planning for her old age . I hope there will be social programs available in her country . I assume there is some way the government cares for elderly who have no children .
No one should care for a parent that causes this much abuse and destruction to their life . I also suggest you get therapy . What you are feeling is grief for the caring parent you never had, and how she caused destruction to your life . That is what is tearing you apart , as well as the guilt that your mother placed on you .
I wish you luck breaking from this lifelong abusive grip your mother has on you .
Onevof our members said that "honoring your father and mother" does not mean you have to care for them or be at their beck and call, it means you honor them by being the best person possible.
You don't seem to have a question for us, which is good, because I don't have an answer. When an entire culture decides that this is the norm for a girl child, to care for all elders without question or choice, there really there are no options at all.
I honestly am so very sorry for your dilemma. You must feel absolutely hopeless, and I wish there was some comfort I could offer you.
I can only tell you that this is self-limiting in that this woman won't live forever. But how sad to be put into a position where you sit and await someone's death so that you can have freedom and peace. My heart goes out to you, and I am so sorry.