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My mom is 81. She moved out here to be with me from Florida in May 2011. She is a wonderful person but suffers from anxiety and depression. I have offered to help and organize trips and daily activities for her. She wants to do nothing and talks about going back to Florida all of the time. There is no family there for her to go back to. I try to keep her company - but there are times I want to do my own thing. She wants to accompany me with everything that I do and has caused strife between my boyfriend and my son because I have no time just for ME. She cannot afford assisted living on her SS income. I am just beside myself seeing her so unhappy and I am falling into a very dysfunctional situation for my own peave of mind. I am at a loss. I want to keep her safe and healthy - but I need to do the same for myself. I feel guilty when I want to go and do things for myself because I have to argue with her to have my own time... HELP!!

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I went to an 'open house' at our local nursing home just to see their renovations - hadn't stepped inside for 15 years. While there I spoke to a couple of the nurses and we talked about 'day activities' and the reluctance of many older ones to avail themselves of them - even though they would probably enjoy them. She said it was FEAR - FEAR that we would LEAVE them there. Older ones don't want to step within spitting distance of anything that resembles a nursing home or AL facility. How sad! Our local AL has LOT of fun things going on, sittercize classes, crafts, entertainment, excursions. I know my MIL would have a good time and 'get a life' of sorts - but she flatly refuses. Vehemently refuses!! We have tried anti depressants for over a year. They didn't help her one bit. So, she sits in her chair and complains of how there is nothing to do and how wonderful it would be if she could get out and do something fun again. She rides along with me on errands from time to time - but for the most part never leaves the house unless she goes to the doctor. Not having a life means she never had anything NEW to contribute to a conversation either. Just the same old 50 year old stories.

How in the world does one convince someone that they would benefit from adult day care. Our local AL facility seems to have an excellent social calendar - it is published monthly and lots of the activities sound fun. They don't seem to 'dumb down' our elderly. They truly entertain and encourage physical activity.

I've given up unless someone can help me convince her that sittercize classes ARE NOT 'suicide classes' as she calls them. She still has her sense of humor - if you can call it that :-(
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You have to remember that your life is important too,but I realise that your mum is also the top of your priorities. When my dad was ill I tried to provide him with puzzles to keep him occupied. He was generally only able to concentrate on them for about 15 minutes, but it's a start. And if possible, get relatives to come and spend time with him.
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If she has no animals, and she loves animals,and has no allergies to them.Take her to an animal shelter,maybe she could pick out one she likes and will save an animals life.Preferably a small pet.they call them lap dogs.Or even a cat that could be saved.
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I agree that the depression needs to be dealt with and that senior centers are a good option to giving yourself some free time daily, but perhaps you could also consider looking into respite care in the form of someone coming to visit your home once or twice a week. Then she will be someplace familiar while being in safe hands and you'll have the freedom to go and do things with your son and boyfriend. Good luck with all of it....I know just how frustrating and hopless this sort of situation can feel.
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The one thing I have learned is you annot win a argument with someone with dementia-so don; try. You can however say something like, Mom, I love and care about your health. Taking your meds will keep you feeling better and functioning more normally and you will have less fears and anxities. If you cannot take your medication then I cannot take you out with me. (Or something else that she enjoys doing). Don't argue about it just make the statement and then stick to it. Maybe this will work to get her back on the meds that will keep her stable through some of the bad times. if her doctor is not concerned that she is not taking her meds you need to get her a new doctor that is more familiar with dementia.
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and i accidentally hit something on the keyboard. Anyway, I think the place was called, Emeritrus in Col, GA. The lady their said that we may have to take two steps backward in order to get her go forward. The place at time had just people sitting around and the lady that was showing us around said that they were waiting on dinner but I didn't even catch an aroma of anything cooking at the place. So, hubby wasn't to fond of that place. So, I will continue to search but this time maybe a Day Center but not sure if they r allowed to wander off?

Annet, to be honest, I don't think her clinic primary doctor even pays attention about her AZ, for she is all up and perky when he comes in and quits complaining as soon as he comes in too. Total different person, but once he is done she forget half of what he had said. I had to tell him again that she is staying with us. I know they get in a hurry but come on. Then when u ask him to repeat himself or explain like for ex; I was trying to see if she could get her Lipitor in generic. The nurse their said that, "Atorvastatin," was a generic. However, he said that, it has a generic name but its not does not come in generic. That made no sense to me so I asked him could he explain for his nurse said this was a generic. He still made no sense and he made some awful faces as if he got upset for me asking. Then he states that their are other meds for Lipitor but he rather not change it for he finally got her labs back to normal. The only thing that was abnormal was her blood-pressure running high and he added a new one for that and that she had another bladder infection for its hard to get her to drink water. I guess, one step at a time.
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Annet, she use to take that a few years back and she took them for years Then, she decided she didn't need them anymore as well as all the other meds except the baby aspirin. That why I had mention a suggestion about going back on them and pretty much the dr. said he couldn't make her if she don't won't to take them. But, for somehow he don't mind having me make sure she takes her calcium, blood-pressure, cholesterol meds. To be honest, I don't even think he even pays attention enough if she has went from mild to moderate AZ. Are they not suppose to keep a check of the AZ stage levels every so often?

I think I will start checking places out for places like that even though she don't like to socialize, do puzzles, read nor crossword stuff. i be bored to death if all I did was sit and stare at the walls or t.v. Of course, she don't tell the doctor she sats around. I did get her out today and that's because I reminded her that the dr said it would be good for her to walk half block every other day.
Schluede, We did try one place it was like an assisted living and adult center. The mnl complained the whole time while we were checking it out. She didn't like to be kept closed and locked in a place and G
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Your Mom will continue to take over your life unless you take it back. she has nothing else to entertain her except you. There are Senior Adult Day Cares Centers in every community. Tell her you are taking her there so she can meet other new friends her age. most of these have no cost or minimal cost attached. If she only has social security income she would likely also qualify for mediaid to get her into an assisted living facility. Just a few thoughts.
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door to door service not server.
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Has she tried anti-depressants as an alternative to the anxiety meds? Sometimes you have to try different ones. I went with her once and stayed for an hour and watched dancing and we ate lunch. I work full time so could not go the next day so she had to go on her own. After that she was fine. I stop in from time to time but it isn't really necessary. What I should do is stop by and bring a gift to the lady that runs the place. The city has a bus program for people who can't take the regular bus for physical or mental reasons. Her doctor signed the papers saying she was not cognitively able to take the bus alone so she is eligible and that is how she gets door to door server for $50 per month. It is awesome. Good luck!
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I may try that again with the mnl since you Annet said you gave it another try and she loves it. my mnl use to take anxiety meds but refuses and he dr pretty much said he can't make her take them. If I can get a couple of hours to myself I would not even know how to act much less get to spend it with a friend. You may have to call the paddy wagon to pick me up for going bonkers but let me not get myself to high for I got to see if I can even get her to do this stuff with other people and she is not very socializing. for she don't like when i meet a friend in a grocery store and we start to talk for she will get rude and say, I don't think I can stand still much longer, or I can't sit here too long and it only be about 2 mint! or she will say loudly, I'm right down here. Very embarrassing and my friend will stop talking to let me get with the mnl.
Annet, did you stay with her a few times or just left her their for I know I will not be able to that with my mnl.
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My mother is similar. She is 86 and was very miserable before antidepressants. We signed her up with the special bus and they take her daily to the senior center for 4 or 5 hours for either dancing or bingo. Not all senior centers are as good as ours but they are always better than nothing. She resisted going at first but now she lives for it. I had to go with her the first time. We would all go crazy if it was not for the senior center.
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Someone with depression and anxiety can find it nearly impossible to "do things," so your mother's doctor needs to be involved. While it's very good for elders to socialize, when someone is very depressed they often can't - they aren't just being stubborn.
Since she only has her Social Security, I'm wondering if there's subsidized senior housing in your area. Your mother may be able to make friends living in a safe environment with other seniors, and you'd be able to have time for yourself (which you need), as well as your son and your boyfriend. Your mom may feel that she is too dependent, and that's why she talks about going back to Florida. I'd look into assisted living or senior housing and see if there is a comfortable setting for her. At least give it some thought, but do address the depression with her doctor.
Take care,
Carol
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If she is suffering from depression and anxiety she is unlikely to get out and do something on her own. Congratulations on offering to help organize trips, etc. That is more likely to be helpful than nagging. But alas, that hasn't been successful so far. Maybe you need to take it up a notch. Don't just offer, do it. "I've bought you a ticket for the Landscape tour sponsored by the Garden Club. It is a week from Sunday. SO and I will be out all afternoon that day so I'm glad you will have something interesting to do!" It may take a lot of your time to plan things and then see that she is dressed and ready to go and to get her to events, etc., but if it helps lifts the depression it will be worth it.

Is your mother getting medical treatment for her depression and anxiety? If she has had it for month and she is not getting better, perhaps it is time to have her meds reevaluated.

Of course you need ME time. Your mother's depression is a genuine illness and you need to make allowances for it, but I think you also need to set some boundaries. Maybe you could put your schedule on a calendar, and sit down with her and highlight the activities that can include her. "Wednesday morning I'm do lots of errands and I just want to get them overwith. I'll do those myself. Would you like to go to the library with me on Thursday?" Discourage the expectation that she goes everywhere with you. Be kind but firm. Try to avoid arguing. You are an adult and you can set your own schedule on your terms.

The talk about going back to Florida strikes me like the wish to "go home" many dementia patients express (even when they are home.) Perhaps what she really wants is to go back to a past that seems more joyful, perhaps to a time before the depression set in, or before she became a widow.

Good luck to your entire housefhold!
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