Entitled aging parent. Any advice?

Not going to be a popular answer, but everyone voting for mom to take a job: What do you think the actual prospects for employment for a 69-year old are? While it's possible she can find a job, it's also as likely that she may not find a job. How long do you think her good health will hold out? For 10 years? 20 years? It's unfortunate that she lost her job during Covid, but that's no one's fault. I know that there is thought on this board that we're not responsible for parents, but on a humane level, what about planning with her for a future? Her life has been turned upside down. She had to move, her spouse died, she lost her job and now as she turns "older" she's losing the roof over her head. While I don't believe that mom moving in with you is the way to go, there has to be a way to work on making her feel less "abandoned."

When I was in my early 60s, I applied for quite a few jobs I was qualified for; I got call-backs for NONE of them. It was my age that was prohibitive, in reality. Your mother lost her job during Covid, so while she was 'planning to work until her mid-seventies', that opportunity flew the coop with the job she lost. The post Covid world is something entirely different now, so how exactly do you expect her to 'go get a job' at nearly SEVENTY YEARS OLD? Not likely to happen. I came here to write what Tynagh wrote, basically. While mom is 'able bodied and very healthy', she's also pushing 70 and not a young girl with endless energy & pep who can get up at 5:30 am to start a full time job & drive across town in the traffic to get to by 7 am every day. Let's face it. She's likely tired. And scared right now, as well.

You're calling your mother 'entitled' when she's now being expected to find a place to live AND a job to support some inflated rental price that she cannot afford. You're basically telling her she's on her own now, irritated that she's refused 'counseling' when, in reality, what is a counselor going to tell her? Go out and get a job? Or find HUD housing? Or do meditative breathing for an hour a day to calm down the fears you have at 69 years old that your life has been thrown a curve ball you have no idea how to overcome??? Of course she's depressed.......she has no idea what her default future looks like!

That's not to say you should move her in with you, or that you shouldn't move, just that you should see HER point of view and where she's at emotionally and realistically, so you can help her with this dilemma she's in.

Help your mother find suitable housing she can afford now, on her current income w/o having to find a job. Or, if she MUST find a job to stay afloat, help her find an at home desk job she can do while staying seated, where her age won't come into play. Help her get set up in said housing and/or a job before you move so that you know she's okay & not about to become homeless one day soon.

You are entitled to live the life you envision for yourself, and your mother is entitled to live a life she envisions for herself. Not one of 'luxury' and 'entitlement' where she sits on the sofa eating bon-bon's all day long, but one where she's not working until she's 80 years old just to pay rent & put food on the table. That's reasonable on BOTH of your parts. Sit down together and figure out how you can accomplish your goals and keep your relationship intact, without her calling you 'self-centered & uncaring' and you calling her 'entitled'. You can do it b/c there's love at the core of that relationship.

Best of luck.

Your mom has lost a husband, her job and is now being told that she has to find somewhere else to live and navigate a move...that is a lot for anyone, let alone a 69 yr old. She also may be a little upset that you are moving away. Kudos to you for not charging mom "full market value" on the rent of your second home. Geez.

Can you find a little grace in your heart to understand why all of this might be overwhelming for her? Do you have to sell the home she resides in? If so, can you help your mom find a senior apartment or something of that nature before you move away? Then maybe she can create a network of friends so that she has some healthy socialization and someone she could call if she needs assistance. It doesn't sound like you or your sisters are wanting to be that "someone" for her.

There are obviously issues between you and your mom, so moving her in with you is a no go. I don't know exactly what you have been enabling all of these years, but your mom is reaching an age where she is going to need some assistance. At the very minimum, if you can find it in your heart, I suggest you help her find a great place to live and help her move.

Of course, your mother is not doing anything – – I bet she's frozen with fear. She is facing homelessness. All these recommendations on this forum to get section 8 housing and section 202 housing and various other resources are wonderful opportunities, but they usually take years to happen. The waiting list for these opportunities are years long. it's also very difficult to get into Medicaid senior housing. Your mother has to spend down her assets in a way that Medicaid accepts.. She can't just give money to people. Medicaid looks back five years.

You've been very generous in providing your mother and stepfather with a home to live in at below market rents. But as you stated, your mother is stretched financially to live at below market rent. What were your plans and intentions when you moved your stepfather and mother in? What was your mother's understanding when they moved in? Did you provide any kind of termination agreement or expectations? Your mother may have thought that she had the house for the rest of her life.

While your mother may seem healthy at 69, I'm younger than your mother and I'm seeing friends drop. I am amazed at how many people from my high school class have died and I am amazed at how many of my college buddies have serious or terminal illnesses. Once the body hits the 60s, it declines rapidly. There is a reason why age 65 is considered the retirement age. People are now starting to work until 70 because medical advances have given us opportunity, but not many people are working after 70 unless they have to. Furthermore, finding a job at age 69, is very, very difficult. I know this for a fact. I lost my career as a corporate director because I was forced to take care of my parents and sister with autism. I got back out into the working world in my late 50s and I have not been able to find a job that gives me even a quarter of the responsibility or the quarter of the pay.

Your mother has a very tough road ahead of her and a very scary one. She is fortunate to have a daughter who has looked out for her and given her the opportunity to live in a decent place at a decent rent. She still needs her daughter and her other daughters as she transitions into a new life. This is the time to hold her hand and help her move forward. Help her find a new home and help her find a job. She is clearly overwhelmed by the prospect in front of her, It is obvious you love your mother and you are torn between your own family's needs and your mother's needs. Giving her a deadline is not going to work. Give her the help she needs, and both of you will find much greater peace.

Your mother enjoyed living a nice lifestyle because of the reduced rent you've charged her for the house. You can sell the property and don't owe her anything.
She's a senior brat and is really acting like one. As I see it, she has two choices:

1) Go back to work and buy the house herself (which would probably be a mistake at her age).

Or

2) Don't go back to work and move to a nice, affordable senior condo community. Enjoy retirement in good health. Maybe work a few easy care gigs paying in cash and take up a hobby with the money earned. Or join a 'silver' senior travel group. Go to Paris. Eat nice food. Drink good wine. Enjoy beautiful artwork.

Your mother is 69 years old, very healthy, and is retired.
The world is her oyster. She should be enjoying it, instead of spiting you with her co-dependent and gaslighting nonsense.
Her problems are not your responsibility. She is the cause of them, not you. At some point she is going to have to find a new place to live. Don't let it be with you. DO NOT move her in with you because you'll regret it.

Hello,
I really feel that I need to weigh in on this predicament because it hits so close to home for me. I am a 68 year old single never married woman who has had two narcissistic parents. So I definitely understand your “please everyone” mentality because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past seven years. My mother has passed and I just learned that my dad has six months to live. He is 97 and thankfully is just an old man now, not a manipulative bone in his tired body and I love him dearly.

I am retired. I retired at 65 early because had I not the workplace would’ve driven me to a nervous breakdown. I kind of have to take issue about retirement goals not being met by your father or your mother, in that we were not fortunate enough to have 401(k)s until we were in our 40s and even then a lot of companies did not supply it. You are in a much better position regarding finances and retirement than your parents ever had the opportunity to have. Also, Social Security as a general rule will pay 1/3 of what you’used to make and for anyone regardless of their income level that is a huge adjustment, it took me an entire year to re-do my budget and figure out a sustainable way to live off of such a low income even with my savings.. I am fortunate that I have my own home, and I am very healthy, but my mortgage is not paid off. Anyway, I feel you are being overly critical of your mom because she truly does not have any money to pay for a house. That’s outrageous and the notion that she can go back to work, and earn a high paying living is outrageous as well. That will not happen , no one is going to hire her and certainly not at a really high rate of pay if she is lucky to land something.

All that said, I know that you are a good daughter and you have done more than your share of what your sisters have done and that needs to be addressed and good luck on that because generally, it’s just one child does all the work so I commend you for all the care you have given your mother, and I understand you have a family and a life and other things to do with your time than care for your narcissistic mother, who is ugly to you. I get it. However, maybe she can rent an apartment or move in with a friend of hers and they can share the rent or she can look online and try to see if she can rent out a room in somebody’s home that they need extra income something along those lines otherwise I’m afraid she’s going to be homeless, literally homeless. Especially in our times right now when everything is so high all the groceries have gone up and utility bills have gone up. My HOA fees have skyrocketed and I feel that I am in a pretty secure spot but in reality who knows I mean it’s really frightening when you are alone and you are retired and you have a limited income. Please place yourself in that scenario and then I think you would understand where your mom is coming from . I would urge you to help her find an alternative living arrangement that will work within her budget of Social Security, and it will not be what she is used to living. I don’t know what part of the country you live in and hopefully it is not a high dollar state , but I would urge you to help her find somewhere to live before you move. I can see why she’s totally paralyzed by the situation because it is overwhelming and I’m not even a narcissist.

I feel your pain on dealing with our mom's being upset when we make decisions that are good for our future but make big changes in their world. My mom is adjusting to assisted living but is NOT happy about it. So, your mom is going to be upset. BUT you are doing what you need to do for your future and your retirement. Sorry mom but that's the way it's going to be.

Just curious - where are you moving? Locally or far away?

I agree with others that if mom has limited resources, she should go into government assisted over 55 housing. My MIL was in such an apartment and her only income was her meager SS check so she only paid $200/month in rent cuz that was literally all she could afford.

Not sure why you're waiting a year to put the house on the market? I'd pull the band-aid off and get her move sooner rather than later. Do some leg work and look at a couple of the apartments that could be feasible for her, take her to look at the top 2 and get her on the waiting list.

Good luck.

If this dynamic has been going on for years with your mother, you are not going to ‘talk her out of it’. You have enough on your plate talking yourself out of it. The year’s notice hasn’t worked, so action is the only thing left. Consider the following:

1) Give her legal notice to leave the house on a particular date. It’s necessary, you can’t just evict her without the correct legal steps.
2) Arrange to take a real estate agent through the house, and make any pre-sale suggestions.
3) Go through the house and make a list of the furniture that belongs to you. Decide what you are going to do with it when the house goes up for sale. Take it with you, sell it, give it to her, what?
4) Wherever she goes, it will be smaller, possibly only one room. What furniture can she take, and what will happen to the rest of it? What else will she need?
5) See if you can find out her income. Has she claimed all pensions etc that she is entitled to? How much rent can she afford? The usual rule of thumb is that rent shouldn’t be more than a third of income.
6) Talk it through with your supportive sisters. Ask one of them to come with you when you go to the house. You need support, then and there.
7) Forget about the job. Particularly with her attitude, she’s not going to get one.
8) If none of this works, rent her a small unit and take the necessary furniture to it. It won't be 'good enough', but she can look around for better herself.
9) Remove the bed and table from the house. It’s hard to stay without them.
10) Change the locks if necessary.

With any luck, you won’t need to go down the full list. The first 3 steps should do it. She will be furious, and you will be very upset. If you can think of a better approach, go for it! Otherwise, hope for the best in about a year’s time.

This has been yet another case where ‘no good deed goes unpunished’.

Your mom is young and healthy and more than capable of moving forward in her life in what ever way she sees fit. I'm guessing that because she is 69 though that she like a lot of us as we age, doesn't like change, as it can be quite scary. And that's what you're seeing in her reactions to what is going on.
But in reality change is always good and is a constant in all of our lives, whether we like it or not.
So keep on with your plans of selling the house and DO NOT under any circumstances allow her to move in with you. You will certainly live to regret it if you do.
Your mom will be just fine once she gets used to the new changes in her life, so continue to stand your ground.

I think you need to do the looking for another place for her. There must be low income housing where u live. Check them out. In my area HUD offers apartments and the rent is on scale. So if her SS is $1000 a month, her rent is about $300. She can try for Medicaid Health as her suppliment. In my State it covers medical, prescriptions, dental and vision. My Mom was under a State prescription plan. There's food stamps if she qualifies.

So, if you charge her, then you are responsible for the taxes and upkeep? Right there is a good reason to sell, her rent is not covering your out of pocket. Your actually supporting her. Mom has to realize that it won't be long that you will be looking at retirement and Medicare. As middle aged people, you need to seriously look at your retirement. You need to put away as much as possible because of inflation.

I just ran into a friend whose Mom is going to be 90. She just stopped working and hates it.