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I am the POA and errand runner for my elderly parents (90s) who are still living together in a retirement home. Both are fighting cancer, diabetes and heart issues so there are many medical appointments each week. It is a toss up who is going to pass first. Dad is easy going. He sleeps most of the days away now. Mom has always been on the narcissism scale, difficult and combative and is becoming more so as the days go by. I understand she is terrified, but it is becoming difficult to spend any time with her as she verbally attacks anyone that comes close. She has alienated the other residents and the staff seems to avoid her (who can blame them). She works herself up and doesn't get any sleep. She refuses to take any medication to help with sleep or mood. If it wasn't for my Dad, I would pull away, but I want to see them both to the end with dignity as best as I can. I try not to take her attacks personally but they sting and I feel very sad that her life has come to this. Any advice for me?

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I don't see where you mention dementia for your mom? I can tell you this; without anti depressants (the max dose of Wellbutrin), my mother is absolutely unmanageable and miserable with her behavior. When my father was approaching the end of his life & the two of them lived together in a small apartment at a local ALF, she was on him like white on rice, 24/7. It was a terrible thing to witness, really. I hated going over there and watching my father get berated for his every movement and his every word, but what could I do about it? Nothing. I avoided my mother as much as possible and spoke to my father on the phone primarily, to see what HE needed and what I could do for HIM. Mom was going down the dementia highway at that time, but she was always a mean and selfish person even before the dementia set in, to be honest.

I truly can't understand it when seniors 'refuse' medication that will help them cope with all the anxiety and fear they have on their plate. Perhaps if your father spoke to her and asked her to consider taking something, do you think that would help? Or if you spoke to her doctor about urging her to take some meds to 'help her sleep'? It seems very selfish for one person to be acting this way and making so many other people miserable due to their behavior, but that's how people like this ARE, it seems to me.

Wishing you the best of luck trying to talk some sense into a stubborn and sickly woman. Godspeed to you with a difficult situation.
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Gwenivere Nov 2021
There has been no diagnosis of dementia for my mom, but I am sure that we are in the early stages. I think she refuses medication because she thinks it would silence her and she thrives on telling everyone how little sleep she got and how bad things are in her world. When I am alone with my father, I do my best for him. He has checked out for the most part. He has his routine and sticks to it. Thanks for your good wishes.
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Mom isn’t changing, except possibly to worsen. So protect yourself. Sticking around and listening to the stream of negativity is bad for the soul so limit your exposure
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I think that you are doing all that you can at present do. From what you say Mom has a personality that is little changed over time, just more severe as dementia complicates her life. You seem to have a good perspective on this. Try not to pick up the baggage she sets at your feet at every visit. If you need to seek help from a few visits with a Licensed Social Worker who works with life change challenges or with a psychologist, just to learn better coping skills for yourself, do that. But as to Mom, she is unlikely to change a whole lot.
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Gwenivere Nov 2021
Thank you for your reply. I am trying to balance good self care with being useful (not used).
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Oh God. Im in exact situation. Narc mom who emotionally abuses me and dad is an angel. He just had a heart attack because of her stressing him out. She gets jealous when I pay tender attention to him. At this point I realize im helpless and can do nothing but watch them and let them be. I did get them a condo so they can seperate if need be. Im on eggshells each day thinking of what news I hear from them (the’re out of state). Our happiness is important. Hold onto it tight.
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I am going through the same sort of situation. It is disheartening. I structure visits, stay for lunch time, bringing their favorite foods and always a treat for her [doesn’t matter what, as long as she feels special]. When I control the amount of time that I know I will stay for it is more bearable.
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First of all, you don't have to be anyone's door mat rather they are on death doors step or not. It's not like she has dementia and doesn't know what she's saying.

Have a talk with her and let her know that things have to change..

Go visit and as soon as she starts up her bad behavior, Leave!
Don't have a long discussion about her behavior, just say short and sweet you will be going now and maybe the next visit will be better.

She'll either change or your visits will be short.
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One out of left field – get industrial strength ear plugs for yourself, and put them in before you get there. You can take them out if you are alone with Dad, although he may be happy with you just being there. They don’t cut out hearing speech completely, but they dull down the impact. You can say they were prescribed if it annoys her. It may even stop her if she knows she isn’t being heard!

My DH was an engineer, used these professionally, so we have always had them around. They improve all sorts of things for me, including letting me sleep through the most spectacular thunderstorm in 20 years on Tuesday night this week. Three inches of rain overnight in the central Australian desert!
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This woman is angry and afraid but that does NOT excuse her behavior and it must NOT be allowed. She has to be told she has to behave and must take proper medication and not attack you. If at all possible, see your father but totally stay away from her and do not see her - she does not deserve the privilege of seeing you. You have to get tough and set boundaries and be ready to enforce them no matter how nasty she gets.
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Wow! Your mom sounds just like mine. My mom does have dementia though, and she takes her pills really well, but she doesn't have a clue what they are for. My mom takes Buspirone, and I call it her happy pill because a day without it and she's a bear, like she used to be. Too bad you can't get her on something and tell her it will help her feel better.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sure does seem like the nasty ones outlive the others. My dad, step mom, step dad are all gone, and the difficult one is probably going to outlive me. She is almost 89 years old and none of the other 3 lived to be that age.
At least you know you are doing your best, and you have the understanding and support of a lot of people here.
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Dementia, of any type, changes the personality and behavior of the affected person. Besides, it starts many years before a diagnosis. This has no been mentioned in the answers to your request for advice. Please disregard any recommendations of "tranquilizers" and medicines unless they come from a physician (preferable a geriatrician). Somebody suggest an intelligent approach: short visits that you finish when the situation is too hard to deal with it. And always remember: Your mother, when behaving as you describe, even if she seems to do it on purpose, is not trying to get you. She is not doing it to you: Is her brain doing this to her.
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