Family behaving badly. Any advice?

It's always the non caregivers finding fault with the caregivers. I'm an only child but mom has 8 siblings. She's the oldest ,the youngest is a few years older than me. The youngest took care of their parents with very little help from the others although there was plenty of criticism for the caregiver. So when I started caring for my mom I let it be known that if anyone didn't like how she was being cared for they were more than welcome to take her lock stock and barrel. So far no takers.

What a difficult situation. I would just focus on Mom and what I can do for her. Limit communication with the troublemakers to what they need to know about Mom. Just let it go!

Siblings seem to know what buttons to push to get the negative reactions they seek....try your best to not be responsive to their actions/words. You can't change them and holding bad feelings will only cause you problems. The troublemakers are happy and will only make you younger ones upset...don't give them that power.

Perhaps a family meeting with the nursing home social worker can get you all past these feelings and in one accord to taking care of your Mother!

I wish you the best!

There really should be a law to protect siblings when caring for a parent its just so soul destroying that we cannot be on the same page and ALL do our bit fair and square am so tired of fighting and have given up as my health is my priority now! xx

What I am learning is what you learned in childhood comes back in adulthood. If you were taught to have respect for your siblings, things work much better. If the parents showed respect for their children, things work much better. If there is little dysfunction with the family, things work much better.

Understand the dynamics of the family and how you can work with that dynamic.

Jinx4740. Here's an example of what has transpired since my mother had a stroke in August 2012. My mother lives in a rural area; when she had the stroke she was promptly transferred to a large city hospital that handles stroke victims. Pre-stroke, my 92 yo mother was a social butterfly and, for the most part, alert and oriented. Post-stroke, she had debilitating R-hemiplegia, confusion, disorientation and an inability to "find" the correct words to form a meaningful sentence. Although the physical paralysis was devastating, the mental changes and confusion were the most heart-breaking. Pre-stroke, she walked with the aid of a walker, even though she weighed about 230 lbs. This, along with almost total blindness secondary to macular degeneration, and severe osteo-arthritis, were not conducive to a swift recovery. Regardless, my brother (who my mother was living with) and I pretty much dropped everything going on in our lives to be with her during rehab and recovery.
I have a degree in biology and nutrition. I worked in the nutrition/dietetics field for a few years and then changed careers. I have one sister who is about 20 years older than me. She is retired and worked most of her life as a registered nurse. My sister was already married and had left home before I was born.

Fast-forward to the first week after my mother's stroke. I was spending 8 hours a day at the hospital with my mother. Because of the R-hemiplegia, blindness, extreme confusion and weakness, I decided to assist her with her meals. Based on my work history in clinical nutrition, I felt that if she was going to have a fighting chance at rehabilitation, she had to keep her strength up. Yes, she was obese, but this was not the time to become dehydrated and malnourished. I felt that if I did not assist her, she would rapidly lose weight and muscle mass. My goal for her: weight loss was fine; losing lean body mass was no good for her. I knew she would lose weight, so my goal was similar to a protein-sparing fast. I wanted to ensure that all the weight she lost was not muscle mass. (By the way, now it is 13 months later and she is 28 lbs lighter).

I was with my mother when my sister called the hospital four days after the stroke. It was lunch time and I was assisting my mother with her lunch. My sister almost cried out in agony when she discovered that I was feeding her. It seemed a bit strange but she had never been empathetic or supportive of me before, so why would she start now? Then, two days later, I had arrived at the hospital before lunch time, but had gone out to buy a coffee. When I returned, my mother's lunch tray was set up before her and my sister and brother-in-law were sitting in the room with her. I walked up beside her bed to assist her with feeding. My sister verbally jumped on me stating "you are not allowed to feed her". Then, my sister got up and stood beside my mother and re-stated "You are not going to feed her." She asserted that I was enabling our mother and that I was going to make her into an invalid.
I was so upset, I had to leave the room. When I returned about 10 minutes later, my mother's tray was totally untouched. She might have eaten a couple spoonfuls of jello. That was it. Of course an argument ensued between my sister, her husband and me. It was ugly. It was so bad, in fact, that after this episode, the administrator of the rehab unit told my brother (my mother's health care proxy) that we two sisters were never allowed to visit our mother again at the same time.
Thank you for reading this lengthy account. In summary, the fact that I was with my mother at least 50% of the time for the first three months, post-stroke, is still held against me by the two eldest siblings. Two days ago (13 months post-stroke) my eldest brother said, when I mentioned the sacrifices I have made for our mother in the last year, that what I did last Fall hurt our mother more than helped her!

Sologne - can you get an impersonal professional 3rd party opinion of the value the time you spent with your mum post stoke, and have them put that in writing? I gather the hospital staff were quite happy for you to feed your mum at the time, and did not feel it was to her disadvantage. There certainly are some dysfunctional family dynamics going on here. Blaming can come with grief and with hard feelings from the past - rather than dealing with the feelings brought out by your mum's stroke your older sibs may be taking them out on you. The diet sounds good - how is your mum doing now?
After getting an opinion about the help you gave mum could you all sit down together with a mediator of some kind - someone you all trust - and work some of this out? I feel it will they will be harder on you as your mum declines as is inevitable with time.
Other than trying to resolve some of these long standing hostilities, or perhaps along with that, try to detach from your older sibs. I have one sib and have had to detach from her, as she has caused me trouble all our lives. I have accepted that is the way it is and will continue, I have POA and need to cover my butt I know. I communicate with her and other close relatives to let them know how mother is, but leave it at that. I fully expect trouble from her at some point, and will have to deal with it as it comes. I do not accept accusations, but will not fight with her.

Let us know how you are. ((((((((hugs)))))) Joan

Shellie - about your uncle drinking and hitting you -- you need to set boundaries. Have a rational but firm conversation with him when he is sober and tell him you will no longer put up with this. Explain to him:
1. Drinking will be in moderation; if he can't do that - you are no longer going to be his caregiver and he will have to hire in-home care or go to a facility.
2. He will no longer be allowed to abuse you physically or emotionally - if he does it again, "no sorrys allowed" - you will make arrangements to leave and he will have to hire in-home care.
3. If behavior continues, let him know NOW that you will leave and you will notify APS of his drinking and that you feel he is cannot safely manage his diabetes.

Stick with it. You do not have to put up with this and you've changed your life to caregive for him; so he needs skin in the game and he has to change his lifestyle as well.

Feed empowered and stick to it. Walk out the door and don't answer your phone next time. He should consider above as his final warning.

As for the sib issues; its a never ending battle -- this website is proof of that. You can have a family meeting with a counselor or mentor (should be one at the NH) and everyone gets equal time to state their case. Everyone comes with different history, different experiences and different perspectives esp younger vs. older sibs. Best case is you respect each others perspective and agree to disagree on how you were treated; but all should be on the same page as to the path forward for mom.

If you can't compromise, then you have to look inward and let it go. Do what you can; express what you will and won't do, time, etc. to your sibs and leave it at that. Accept that it will never be resolved and once mom passes, you may or may not have contact with your sibs -- although I hope you do.

In my case, it has brought my brother and I closer through the stress; but we aren't fighting over my mom's care -- yet!

I am sitting here with my aunt my mums sister my mum has dementia and she wants to travel to the city on her own tom and my aunt says she will be fine I am screaming here she is not able to travel she is not right in the head i just give up I hate this family and thier STUPID opinions have really had it 2 sisters who couldnt give a crap and a brother who dosnt want to hear about it i am cracking up. I can so feel your pain we just have to do OUR best and curse them all I am not putting up with this anymore on my own ive really had it think my aunt is NUTS too or maybe its me maybe im nuts because I give a crap. Sorry but am fuming at thier total disregard for my mums safety and welfare I am sick and cant wait until my aunt goes home tomorrow, as much as my mother is hard work ITS NOTHING TO THE STRESS MY FAMILY CAUSE ME. My advice ignore them all your mum will not be here forever and you can look back with peacee knwoing you did your best. I so understand your stress its unbearable I want to scream at my aunt but just want nothing to do with this family as you say UNCONSIONABLE. Sorry for ranting on but i cant take anymore of this. HUGE HUG!!

I have spoken to alot of people and your story does not seem unique. I think you should try to ignore the drama of your older siblings. Your mom is 94 and her time limited, why don;t you have a family meeting and for the sake of your mom try and be civil towards each other. It isn't the younger siblings fault that you guys had it easy. Also children don;t come with owners manuals. I am the eldest in a family of two and yes I had it harder and my brother easier because my parents were alot more older and tired when they had him so yes he had it easier. Maybe their financial situations was better or whatever. My take on it is life is too short to be hauling heavy loads so let go. No one is going to resolve anything with this kind of behavior. If your mom is in a nursing home what care do you have to provide it seems like she is 24/7 care. If your mom isn't properly being cared for by teh institution you should look into that. Who is your mom's power of attorney?

Lots of emotional baggage here and Mom's bedside is not the place to be going through it. Her brain may be damaged by the stroke but on some level she feels the hostility. There is no need to be giving exhaustive care if your mother is being properly cared for in the N/H. Discuss with the nursing staff the need to feed your mother which is what you should have done when the confrontation occurred. if you were being physically prevented from assisting your mother the nursing staff could have alerted security and had the troublesome duo escorted out. I agree with the decision to request (not order) that the three of you do not visit at the same time. If your mother is not feeding herself she needs to be fed. if she is going to eat and when you are not there the staff should assist her. she is an invalid, she is hemiplegic, almost blind and cognitively impaired. Just because someone has an RN after their name does not mean they know everything. if you can try and approach this with a calmer attitude and maybe talk to the N/H social worker it would help you. Ask to attend your mother's care planning meeting and be prepared with your questions. You understand the need for good nutrition, that is your area of training and expertise so speak up. Jello may be quick and easy to eat and appropriate in some situations but it is not good nutrition.
Take a deep breath and plan your battles, your sister is good at sabotage. Good wishes your priority is your mom's wellbeing.