My elderly (85) father, whom my sisters and I believe has early-to-mid dementia, doesn't want us to visit him or call him at the hospital. He had a minor stroke 3 years ago, and lives at home with a caregiver of his own choosing. He has grown increasingly distrustful of my sisters and me over the years, for no good/rational reason. Now he is in the hospital with pain that might be due to a pinched nerve and/or muscle spasm. He didn't want his caregiver to let us know, but she did because she felt we should know. I am the only daughter who is local, I live 15 minutes away from the hospital, but he does not want me to visit. I feel helpless. I think he wants to maintain his independence, but I also think he does not trust us & fears that we want to force him into assisted living. We have told him over and over, truthfully, that we support him living at home with his caregiver, with whatever adjustments need to be made at the house for his safety. It is heartbreaking to me that he doesn't trust me. I don't know how to handle the situation. He doesn't want me or my sisters involved in his medical care, at all.
Hopefully, the hospital staff will pick up on how capable he is to live at home and if concerned, they will discuss with his doctor and social services.
Now I wonder if your Dad has someone as his Medical and Financial Power of Attorney. If not, there is still time for him to do that before his dementia progresses to a point where an Elder Law Attorney won't allow him to sign any legal documents.
One has to remember at your Dad's age, the sound of assisted living or a skilled nursing home brings up a mental picture of an asylum, which is how it was a half century ago. Parents don't realize today's assisted living are more like hotels.
My Dad's Assisted Living/Memory Care had quite a few fellows on his floor, so Dad made a lot of new friends. Before Memory Care, my Dad was in Independent Living, in the same complex, in a really nice large apartment, plus he was able to bring along his caregiver. He really loved living there :)
I know elders can be so scared of being "put away" and I have heard them speak among themselves of this fear, and state how scared they are of their own families. I have seen them take great efforts to cover up tiny mistakes that *may* appear as dementia, or take offense if anyone says *you are getting old." I have decided not to say that to a person since even joking around like that is probably a form of ageism, micro-ageism or whatever.
If you think of the fear of being put away, or exaggerated fear of it as like the media hype of many things (such as certain cancers that are actually rare), such fears can become exaggerated, especially when an elder is isolated, or anyone is isolated. Isolation causes any fear we have to loom larger than it did previously. it takes up too much space in our lives, becoming central when our other lives which used to occupy our minds aren't there anymore. One's home and what is left of one's possessions is all one has left. That little world shrinks and shrinks.
We're thinking of you - this is a tough one.
Carol
.? For you? Is the current caregiver ok with caregiving of dad IF dad ends up coming back home and needs lots LOTS more care. Strokes, dementia & nerve issues probably with pain(?) plus post hospitalization, well he could be quite the handful to deal with. What happens if current caregiver stops? Dad being in rehab gives everbody time to see if it at all makes sense to return home. Dads in safe environment with 24/7 and getting PT /OT rehab, totally a good thing.
Social services can nudge dad to do DPOA, MPOA and HIPPA as part of the discharge. If he balks at it being you, let it be a sibling. Whatever. Just so somebody has it. Having to go guardianship is nothing but time & $ which you want to avoid if you can. Try to learn to pick you battles, he's likely to fear you the most as your nearby and know his reality. Good luck!