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My mother recently passed away. My 92 year old father now lives alone. He has multiple health issues and is on oxygen 24/7. He is not strong and has fallen. He has a medical alert button. He doesn’t drive. My siblings and I do his shopping, laundry, bring him meals, do house and yard chores and visit him frequently. Most of his needs are being met except the emotional ones. I know I can’t replace my mother but I feel sad for him to always be alone and unable to leave the house. I also feel guilty.....should I ask him to move in with my husband and I...we are in our mid 60s with our own health issues. I also have a slight feeling of resentment too, which I hate because he is a kind dear soul and is appreciative of all we do for him. I can’t seem to find peace and want to know if we are doing enough.

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Thinking that you can be the Entertainment Committee for your father is a mistake. Many times, a parent is taken into the home b/c we think we can be All Things To All People At All Times. Which is a lie. We can't. We work, we go out, we wind up leaving them alone most of the time which is not fixing the loneliness situation, and then we find they're invading our privacy. So we've managed to not fix one problem and to create another, all in an effort to avoid guilt.

Your father sounds like he needs a higher level of care, #1, and connection with peers his own age which translates to Assisted Living. He'll be cared for, as needed, in an ALF, plus there is the added benefit of having other guys to pal around with and play cards, shoot the breeze, talk with, walk with, have meals with, etc. In general, the men in ALFs hang out together; I see it all the time at my mom's place. He can have his own apartment with independence and freedom, but also have the companionship he's missing now that his wife is gone.

Tour some places and see what you think. Ask the RESIDENTS how they like living there and if they enjoy the food and activities, etc. That's really the best way to find out how an ALF is; by polling the people who live there. Find a privately owned one, too, if possible.........b/c there tends to be a lot of red tape and nonsense involved with large, corporate owned chains like Brookdale. I had my folks in one and had to take them out and get them placed in a much nicer privately owned ALF after 9 months of extra charges on a monthly basis, all trumped up and nonsensical.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward
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Maycaper Jul 2020
Thank you for the words of wisdom!
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He won’t consider assisted living?
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Maycaper Jul 2020
It has been discussed. Right now he would like to stay home. Mom died in February. Maybe he will come around in a while.
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How long ago did your mom pass away?

You are all adjusting to the new normal and grieving. Going forward, it looks like dad needs a higher level of care.

Consider asking his doctor to order a professional "needs assessment" to figure out how best to address his needs. Al sounds like the best option.
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Maycaper Jul 2020
Will talk to his doctor....appointment next week. Thank you!!!!
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Oh my goodness, his loss is so recent!

Please talk to his doc about encouraging dad to participate an online grief group if possible. And make sure that there is an ongoing evaluation of depression.
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