Follow
Share

caring for a mom. have been for 5 years now since father passed. she has melanoma and possible other, but her decision is no more tests. ( 87, 3rd time cancer). BFF just finished with a full year of treatments. stem cell replacement. she has been deemed clean right now. have older siblings. 3hours and 1 1/2 hours away. I am youngest and single. parents were each others best friends. did not have many outside. mom starting leaning on me. I was ok with it when she was much more mobile. but now it is wearing me out. I get angry at how I feel. I know I shouldn't. work has FMLA but I do not have the financial means to take any time off. everyone needs from me. work, home, friend. I am trying to get all my bills paid off. so I have very little money left for "fun" I am trying to take a children lit class via mail. but that is getting "chorefull." am I crazy? is it too much to ask to want someone to care for me? to send me a card or flowers or take me out to lunch? all my friends at work have left for other jobs. getting together has become more difficult. is it separation anxiety?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

37 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
P.S.: I left this out: I carve out an hour for myself about 2-3 times a week. It has been a godsend, despite having a sibling who offers very,very little support. A good girlfriend whom my dad has become very fond of will come & stay with him. You can do this! It might get hard to motivate yourself but keep in mind that your health and well being are essential and you absolutely need time away from this tough, tough job. Much love and best wishes to you! Keep writing here. It helps.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NOT! In fact I feel it essential. Do you have any neighbors/friends/outside resources than can come stay with your loved ones while you carve out at least an hour? I find that a hour or two browsing at Goodwill, reading at the library, walking alone drinking in the beautiful weather is essential. Check with the Human Resources dept where you live (they are particularly good in suburban areas) and ask them for leads. There are social services out there that will stay with your loved ones either for FREE or a nominal cost. DO THIS! You desperately need it! You cannot give good care unless you love and care for yourself!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You're Welcome:))) xo
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I am always glad when I see I follow up and I thank you. So thank YOU.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Does your Mom get Social Security payments? She should if she or your Dad worked. Make a list of her needs and then decide on an amount for her to pay towards rent, food, utilities. This is only fair. She would have to pay this if she were living on her own. I made the mistake of thinking Mother would offer to pay her own way. Now the more she has the stingyer she gets. At least it will be mine if she ever dies so I can put some back for my own care.
You need to talk to you family. Tell them to pick a week they will be able to take THEIR Mother and keep her so you can have some rest. If they hedge--pick a week and tell them what time you will arrive with her. If they don't respond then just show up with her. One of my siblings flew 2000 miles at their own expense to stay with Mom so I could get away. If you don't have a car that will make the trip, rent one. You can make either place in a days drive.
Have you checked about a Senior Day Care near you?
Hang in there. There are a lot of us out here in almost unbearable situations.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
thank you all for your answers. logging onto this sight has helped so much. even in reading everyone else's 'opportunities". ( trying to change words to sound positive). I have and am taking a writing course for children via mail. it does help. I actual do play a computer game with some interaction. not much, I do not rust a lot of internet things. thanks to all of you who have answered. keep you chins up too. here is a big hug OOOOOO
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This forum is full of posts that indicate caregiving is a thankless and usually lonesome job. Siblings, for most caregivers, are a negative element. I have to share a story that goes against the norm. When my FIL was dying and I wanted to see him before he passed, I didn't see how that could happen. My siblings and niece came together to cover my round-the-clock care of Dad for a full 7 days. My older sister did the night shift, sleeping at my house M-F. My younger sister covered nights on Sat and Sun. My niece came to my house from 40 miles away, everyday for 6 days and my brother made that trip on Sunday. I got to my FIL's bedside the day before he died - they said he was waiting for me to get there. I told him how much I loved him and that is a gift from my family that is more precious than words can say.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Just a comment on asking siblings for help: it usually doesn't work. My sister does the bare minimal amount. She is also the POA and gets incredibly angry when she has to drive the 16 miles out here in order to "do" something for our mom (who is in a nursing home) or our dad, who lives with my family. So I've stopped asking. She will have to live with herself on that issue. Yeah, it makes me angry and bitter sometimes; then I realize she's the one who needs help, not me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Oh gosh, everyone here feels this pain. Time for yourself really takes a back seat when taking care of our elders. It reminds me of when my daughter was young...it never ended and I was tired all the time. I try to carve out an hour at least twice a week and go to one of the public libraries, sit and read quietly. I turn off my cellphone and NO ONE can reach me there. I realize not everyone likes to read or enjoys libraries (my daughter makes fun of me because I am a huge reader), I do know some simple relaxation exercises help too. This is all very inadequate I know, and I realize the pain you're feeling. Some days are better than others but oh, I keep myself just thinking one day at a time. If I focus on any sort of future I get too downhearted and can't get out of bed in the morning.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
As I had said in another post, take a walk, even for five minutes for yourself, and God Bless You for helping out!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Absolutely not. It is easy to lose yourself in caring for your parent(s). I am going through something similar myself. You want to come out on the other side still "you." You need to find time during each day, if possible, to do something on your own, whether it's working out, going shopping (fun shopping), going to the movies, the library, a coffee shop, the park . . . whatever. Even better, do so with a friend. On the days I don't get to accomplish one of those things, I go for a drive after I've tucked my parents in for the night. That's usually when I can get a good cry in, when I need one. You are doing one of the most important jobs there is: Raising your mother to her end glory. No guilt. Hang in there.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Bewell is right. Accept any help offered. Look for help until you get some.

NICELY ask siblings for help - time or money. If they say I can't, then ask what they could do - even once a year.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
No, it is NOT wrong to ask for some time off!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
No what you are experiencing is normal, we have probably all had the same exact feelings. Are you acting as a 24 hour/7 day a week caregiver? If you are you need some time off. It is now summer and possibly you need to contact your siblings and tell them that you need them to come to your house for a week of THEIR VACATION, to give you a break. I get one vacation a year for about 2 weeks and I really need it when it comes around. I might also suggest that you look into therapy, don't get me wrong I do not think you are crazy. I go to therapy once a week for one hour through a senior program for seniors but there are others for those not considered seniors. It is free and it is an hour to voice your concerns and needs and the therapist can really help you with what you are feeling. It can be very pleasurable and help to take a load off your mind.

I have felt like I have had to put my life on hold to care for my parent, which means no income while other siblings are still working. This hurts your self esteem and it will also affect you down the road where social security is involved as you will have missed out on years of work and paid nothing into the system. So keeping your job is probably a good thing. You might want to check into churches or other organization within your area for support. We discussed in another post trying to date during this time and it is honestly almost impossible.

I can honestly tell you that you are not wrong or a terrible daughter to feel the way you do, we all have at one point or another!

God Bless you on your journey!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
To you slad1956 and all caregivers, you all know that caring for a loved one is a very difficult 7/24 self-sacrificing task that stress you emotionally, physically, financially, and socially, While sadly seeing your elderly loved ones continue to deteriorate and become an unrecognizable shell of themselves. So first of all, give yourselves all a pat on the back for continuing to take on this challenge!!!

YES, you need time for YOU and this is NOTHING to feel guilty about!!!

From doing it alone for 2+ years, would like to share experience to hopefully help you:
- If assistance is offered from neighbors, friends, family, or elderly organizations, please utilize it even if it is only for a few hours.

- If no assistance offered, seek it out and don't be shy for example to ask friendly neighbor to help check on your mom, when you have a chance to meet up with friends.

- Approach your siblings for help despite the distance, even if they are able to help only once a year it's better than nothing.

- So many have said that you MUST take care of YOU, otherwise how can you care for another? They are 100% correct!

- Whenever frustration boils over, have to keep reminding myself I chose NOT to turn my back when a elderly parent needed help because of their love/care provided to me. Never mind Alzheimer's has resulted in causing them to be almost a difficult stranger.

- Loneliness is a sad reality for caregivers (have been away from spouse for 2+ years and lucky not divorced), and you have to do what you can to balance your own well being (proverbial "easier said than done") with caregiving.

- Use these forums as there so many nice people willing to answer your questions and provide you with moral support.

Please take care of you! Wishing you slad1956 and all you caregivers good health.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Christina0000, I suggest you start your very own thread( ask a question category) because this is worthy of focus.
Meanwhile, if your father has been diagnosed as mentally ill, that has it's own set of family rules. No one is going to yell at you here for what you said. Please don't put your children at risk by having him around. You are trying to establish
" normal." Go for it!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My father is 74 and has never really taken care of himself or anyone else for that matter. He worked very little and I started working (consistently) when I was 13 to help with family needs. So, when my mother passed and he got old, things didn't really change much except he wanted more from us. I have very little to hang on to in terms of memories of anything that he did for us, but there is this terrible sense of obligation that we take care of our parents. So, how do you find the line on how far you go to care for a parent? I have children and a husband; so, when it affects them, I stop and 'correct' the issue. My father was diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic. Imagine this guy talking to walls, hitting, punching. We let him stay for a month. He's taking medication, totaled his car, fell down 3 times in our house (all due to the medication); but, he's much better and the voices are controlled. I've given him a prescription on how to take care of himself and he's back at his apt. So, unfortunately, I call this "limits". We are all human and sense of obligation can only go so far. I should feel guilty for what I'm saying and putting my family first; but, I will expect that when I am 74, my children will do the same and I'm okay with that. For now, while I'm young(er), 41 yo, I make sure that my future will be enough so that I can live ok. I know there will be many who disagree with me and say that under every circumstance, we take care of our parents; but, I live very comfortably knowing that I do my best without jeopardizing my own health and family. In a sinking ship, we save ourselves and our family first, then we save others around us. Sorry. I know I'm going to be yelled at.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My heart goes out to you. You have received many good suggestions from the other Aging Care members, so I have nothing new to offer. Just want you to know I will pray for you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
If it's wrong, I'm guilty as sin! But I'm still alive and kicking, and I still have a zest for life, which is natural. Maybe you could get some respite care soon so you can have some time to yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It is most definitely not selfish to want to take care of yourself. I don't know why we feel that way about our parents. Perhaps it is because we feel an "obligation" to care for them since after all, they took care of us all those years.... In actuality the only things we are responsible for in their care are to insure that they have a warm safe place to live, food to eat and good health care. That is truly it - nothing else. This concept is difficult to accept - it took me quite a while - still struggle at times. So if you need to place your parent in an Assist Living or Nursing Home and they are giving you a hard time - do not feel awful. You matter too - after all if you are not in an excellent place and become ill, physically or mentally, who will then step in to take care of your parent. Call your sibilings and tell them you are taking a vacation, even if it is only for a weekend, and they need to come stay for that time period. Don't give them a chance to say no. If you need help finding someone to give respite during the week to go out - call your county Department of Human Services and ask for the Adult Protection unit worker. They will be able to send you in the correct direction. Sign up for some yoga classes, practice meditation, take a night class. Just get away! Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
No you are not wrong for wanting some breaks. And you should be taking some. Caregivers wear out if they don't have them. Try no to feel guilty about wanting it and give yourself some breaks.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Slad, your mother must have money to pay for incidentals as well as her care? She is not depending on you to pay for everything, is she? Tell her you need some time to live your own life and get someone to come in. You are her security blanket right now, but she will understand when you put it to her in a non-threatening way.
She wants you to be happy and progressing, not being miserable and stuck.
Have a heart to heart with her. Forget about the siblings. However, if she is at the place where she is only thinking of herself and will not consider your needs, then just do what you need to for yourself because maybe she is in reverse focus. Back to the belly button. That 's life. Take care of yourself:) xo
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
slad1956-You have gotten some great suggestions, and we all are saying in effect, if you do not take care of yourself, how can you care for someone else? God loves everyone to recognize He is in control, not you. Earthly beings can only participate in their lives, whereas God is the pilot. We are co-pilots. Placing yourself third might seem righteous, but no one would want you to sacrifice your life for theirs (well perhaps if the house were burning, or a car was racing toward a child, etc.). The point I'm trying to make is, you deserve time off and I'm not sure that taking a children's lit class via mail is going to give you social interaction which you need. Try downsizing your responsibilities first, and perhaps pay a little less on those bills so you can enjoy a movie or spa day (whatever you like to do). Trust me, no credit card company went out of business because you did not pay them $5-$10 per month. Save up, then treat yourself. My best wishes for your down time!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Part of the stress of caregiving is the quilt for wanting our life back. That's absolutely normal but you should try some 'self talk' to counteract it. And then take steps to have as much time for yourself and friends as possible. Adult daycare at a local community center or a volunteer from Alz Assoc. Maybe one of those siblings can come for a couple of days and you could check into a local motel. Read a book, take a long bath (with candles) or go sightseeing. Whatever floats your boat. This time for yourself is not just something you want, it's something you need.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Caregiving is a job that is physically and emotionally taxing to be sure. It is hard to hear someone say that you are a 'saint' for doing what you are doing but often you don't feel like one. Sometimes one is filled with anger and resentment and other very 'unsaintlike' feelings. Guilt is HUGE. Society fills us with what we are supposed to feel and act like in the caregiving capacity and we struggle with our own self perception when we don't. I feel guilty when I do ANYTHING that is for pleasure. My mother is not able to enjoy much (she has dementia). The only thing that I can feel less guilty about is grocery shopping or my part-time work. Taking her anywhere for an outing is taxing on me (and her). She is extremely fidgety and tires and complains alot. She also gets anxious when her surroundings change cause she doesn't recognize things---even her own home when she returns. Bottom line in all this is I feel the guilt you speak of when I try to do things for myself and all the reading I do says that I shouldn't. We have very little budget to spend on Adult Day Care and family is always 'busy'. So I try the little things to release me temporarily (i.e. read, walk, pc movies, creative things). Do whatever it takes to take you away for a bit.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Have you heard of the cup half full/empty scenario??? If your cup is empty because of the constant caregiving, you need to fill it back up. How will you do that?? What fulfills you?? Being in a similar situation, just not having to answer the phone or go over to moms and know that she is ok, fills me back up. Pretend this is a special card just for you filled with caring wishes from all your friends out here in the caregiving world. Best of luck, enjoy your break ASAP!!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Caregivers can burnout when we don't refresh ourselves. We can't give what we don't have.

I learned the hard way, with angry and difficult behaviors from siblings added to the pain. In stepping back and doing some "me" time like spending time with all of you sometimes, I'm better in handling their "issues".
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
No, you are not wrong in wanting some relief. Caregiving is a job, sometimes unpaid. We all need time to ourselves to remain a physically and mentally healthy person. Have you tried any agency like one on aging to get help. Sometimes they have funds to pay for occasional respite. Try as many as you can find in your area. My neighbor lady gets help from Easter Seals. Another suggestion is to try your local hospice. Just remember you need to keep yourself healthy.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Caregivers forget to care for themselves first. You will not be productive , as a caregiver if you don't care for yourself. It is easy to feel guitly! We have all done it. Hang in there and take of yourself first. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
It is not wrong. You need to take time for yourself. If you do not, you are doing a dis-service to both yourself and your loved one, because you cannot be an effective caregiver without some "me" time.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter